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The Golden Candlestick (Free verse) by phbiscuit
Tear it all apart with these hands That laid the bricks before it existed. Before these hands was dust, Before the dust was an eternal wind, Blowing like blustery autumn leaves to gather In masses far from their home, Where they once grew green, Where we once were single cells floating together, Each one particle In a mass choking under the weight of So much life, So much indecent need for A place to hang a hat And eat a meal By a fireplace with a gorgeous wife And two lovely daughters. Still, staring at the table, Accompanied by the simple sound of mastication, Leaning forward to examine (Unknown to anyone else) The fine lines between every sliver of wood, With my spoon hanging in mid-air Between my mouth and my bowl, I pause and realize There is so much about A golden candlestick That cannot be comprehended.

Up the ladder: A Cautionary Tale

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Arithmetic Mean: 4.75
Weighted score: 4.970199
Overall Rank: 8431
Posted: March 23, 2004 7:58 PM PST; Last modified: March 23, 2004 7:58 PM PST
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Comments:
[8] Shuushin @ 147.154.235.53 | 25-Mar-04/3:16 PM | Reply
Something about the cadence of this:

"In a mass choking under the weight of
So much life,
So much indecent need for
A place to hang a hat
And eat a meal
By a fireplace with a gorgeous wife
And two lovely daughters."

that works quite well; the line breaks together with the prep phrases - usually I hate that.

somehow works here, in that part at least.

I'd like to see that last stanza reworded so "golden" doesn't sound like a cheap modifier, as if you said "oh, I have to put an adjective here"

-a candlestick of brass/gold
-a reflection in candlestick gold
-a slice of cheddar cheese

(usw)
190 view(s)




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