Meaning aside - which is fine, the flow of this is a few extra words past something that I might like very much.
It has a musical flow to it that I often strive for.
But I'm not thrilled with some of the simple descriptors and imagery - while the cadence is melodic, the language is uncomfortable.
Does that make sense?
windy warm
formidable
long and tenderly - could do without those, in particular.
It has a musical flow to it that I often strive for.
But I'm not thrilled with some of the simple descriptors and imagery - while the cadence is melodic, the language is uncomfortable.
Does that make sense?
windy warm
formidable
long and tenderly - could do without those, in particular.
on some deleted poem
20 Mar 2004, 6:17 PM
I was thinking this could make a good ghazal.
on some deleted poem
20 Mar 2004, 6:18 PM
what is this a glosa _of_?
on some deleted poem
21 Mar 2004, 7:44 PM
I like the thought behind this -
I'm going to suggest a word change - and its pretty ironic too, considering what I just posted (and zodiacs love of it) - funny thing is I would suggest the same regardless of what I posted.. anyway...
consider changing "clothes" to "adorns" - both for the word choice and also for the aliteration.
I like "imagining" there.
I'm going to suggest a word change - and its pretty ironic too, considering what I just posted (and zodiacs love of it) - funny thing is I would suggest the same regardless of what I posted.. anyway...
consider changing "clothes" to "adorns" - both for the word choice and also for the aliteration.
I like "imagining" there.
on Poetry in action by Bobjim
22 Mar 2004, 8:54 AM
nothin says lovin' like a limerick.
on Ramblings of Senility by Lifeboatman
22 Mar 2004, 7:25 PM
Nicely constructed, nicely done.
on urge purged by caffrey
22 Mar 2004, 7:29 PM
I don't "get" the last stanza, but I like the rest quite a bit. I hangs just on that edge of tongue-in-cheek. works for me.
on Dissenting voice by richa
23 Mar 2004, 8:09 AM
"Kivi veereb"?
I like this one quite a bit - do we need the last line?
I like this one quite a bit - do we need the last line?
on some deleted poem
23 Mar 2004, 10:49 AM
try it on poemosrankeros.com
on Sitting in a damp refrigerator box, wondering (ODE) Basque by zodiac
23 Mar 2004, 11:04 AM
glosa?
on some deleted poem
23 Mar 2004, 5:03 PM
Spongebob would be proud.
on some deleted poem
23 Mar 2004, 6:19 PM
yet time has not forgotten,
soft cotton
soft cotton
on some deleted poem
25 Mar 2004, 6:28 AM
What's this about? Conistoga wagons, colony trade?
Feels short.
Feels short.
on Style / Ffordd by Nicholas Jones
25 Mar 2004, 6:30 AM
While you wait for Godot, I wait for poetry.
Actually, this makes a solid point... if only it were SPANISH, well then - ooo that would be sumfin.
Actually, this makes a solid point... if only it were SPANISH, well then - ooo that would be sumfin.
on Misplaced Life by Richard
25 Mar 2004, 6:32 AM
"You, a new flavor expanding
Across my windshield."
Richard, for this kind of [sadly very common] subject matter it needs to really stand out to, well, stand out.
Some good imagery here, but not truly striking.
Across my windshield."
Richard, for this kind of [sadly very common] subject matter it needs to really stand out to, well, stand out.
Some good imagery here, but not truly striking.
on I'm Alive! by sonawrote
25 Mar 2004, 6:34 AM
Hey - not a bad hook. Could make a good song.
on Reunion by syrusstone
25 Mar 2004, 6:36 AM
hmmmm.... some line breaks would give this a better flow.
Some fresh thoughts on a pretty common theme.
Some fresh thoughts on a pretty common theme.
on My reflection by singinkygal
22 Mar 2004, 7:57 PM
I'm going to echo caffrey - but elaborate by saying the “too many” words are precisely the ones you've put in to sound like “poetry”.
Here's a test - take out the rhyming words - does the meaning change? If it doesn't - why have them?
You word choices should add value. You've got shattered twice, btw - and five "t"'s between them. And my pet peeve, extraneous prepositional phrases.
Try not to trade meaning for rhyme – what you are trying to convey (the idea of which I like, btw) is complicated enough as it is – focus on that.
Maybe, as an exercise, make the same poem without rhyming?
Here's a test - take out the rhyming words - does the meaning change? If it doesn't - why have them?
You word choices should add value. You've got shattered twice, btw - and five "t"'s between them. And my pet peeve, extraneous prepositional phrases.
Try not to trade meaning for rhyme – what you are trying to convey (the idea of which I like, btw) is complicated enough as it is – focus on that.
Maybe, as an exercise, make the same poem without rhyming?
I think you should build something bigger with it (ifn't you gonna call it a lyric)