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Puritans (Free verse) by zodiac A windy warm summer night like this is
no good for prohibition -
it unravels the dreams of Christian
women (rungs
on a rope-ladder, a scarecrow hung
in a broom-closet) and pulls
them in their formidable night-dresses
out into quiet hallways, to kitchens
animate with moonlight, stirs their tongues
on the cool white skin in the sugar-bowl,
long and tenderly as greedy kisses.
Up the ladder:
Just A Thought
Down the ladder:
BreakBeat TimeTravel
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 8.272727
Posted: March 20, 2004 12:06 PM PST; Last modified: March 20, 2004 1:16 PM PSTWeighted score: 6.6363635 Overall Rank: 573 Comments:
Oh, and thanks, richa, for letting me try out your style. I couldn't work in any woodland animals, though. Or A#P#P#L#E#S.
Mediocrity code: 20841404
-6-
Rhyme/intentional-line-break code: AB-BCCD-ABCD-A.
Why don't you look it up, -=Dark_Angel=-?
'Bowl' doesn't rhyme with 'pull'. Check and mate.
It does in the Southern United States.
(1) Wipe. (2) Weep. (3) Repeat as desired.
The point is, I've written something like a thousand rhyming poems since high school. It's getting hard for me to find new rhymes or structures. My line breaks are arbitrary in that I try to make the rhyme come at an unexpected part of the sentence, almost never at the period or some tidy clause-end. But if I didn't have rhymes I would have no idea how to line-break. Really. I've tried, like in that dreadful 'Joe-Joe', but it feels like utter bullshit to put in breaks where there's no reason to. I respect a lot people who write good free verse (including some here), but I can't understand how they don't feel like flaming bullshit poseurs doing it.
you can break based on rhythm. You can break an image in two, to overload the separate parts, creating synergy. You can break to make the pome parse awkwardly, because awkwardness is the feeling you're going for. You can break where you breathe, to create a sense of inevitability. You can break in syncopation with where you would breathe in speaking, to create a sense of breathlessness.
I'm not claiming that I do any of these things myself of course. I break by using 2d10 to roll a letter count for the line.
Meaning aside - which is fine, the flow of this is a few extra words past something that I might like very much.
It has a musical flow to it that I often strive for. But I'm not thrilled with some of the simple descriptors and imagery - while the cadence is melodic, the language is uncomfortable. Does that make sense? windy warm formidable long and tenderly - could do without those, in particular.
Thanks. I'm working on it.
alright first of all before I get angry I have to say I respect you very much as a writer, and as someone obviously much younger, I even look up to some of it.
But there is absolutely no way that I could ever let myself feel like a "flaming bullshit poeser," just becasue I don't write many things that rhyme. There's just no ground for it.
I'm sorry, Fear of Garbage. Utterly seriously. That's not what I meant. And I was fucking around to begin with. I meant what I said, though: I respect and admire people who write without rhyme, though I don't know how to do it myself. You should know I think you do it very, very well.
No, you're not a "flaming bullshit poeser"; you're a "deep and meaningful poete" -10-
you are an incredibly pretentious little flaming bullshit poseur. You write about things about which you could obviously know nothing, as the haughty spoiled little 17 year-old you are. All your images are needlessly opaque, probably because you create them by pulling magnetic poetry from a hat, and the reason you don't write many things that rhyme is because you have only a very clumsy command of the English Language and because your grandmother took your rhyming dictionary away from you after you wrote that pome about her in the hospital.
P.S. Please send as much more of your flaming bullshit poetry to this address: "GoadToad@hotmail.com" as you possibly can, as soon as possible. I need it. Uh, for a, uh...study. That I'm doing on pretentious child prodigies. Er, that is, poseurs. 406 view(s)
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A Puritan woman's night-dress is formidable to protect her from her husband's (and her own) sensuality - which, as you should know, is shameful and wicked.
I don't know why sugar is like a skin. I just imagined what it's like to touch it with a tongue. And I wanted it to be sensual. I guess if I have to explain it, though, it didn't work. I'm trying to make less sense recently, but not too little.