Replying to a comment on:

Puritans (Free verse) by zodiac

A windy warm summer night like this is no good for prohibition - it unravels the dreams of Christian women (rungs on a rope-ladder, a scarecrow hung in a broom-closet) and pulls them in their formidable night-dresses out into quiet hallways, to kitchens animate with moonlight, stirs their tongues on the cool white skin in the sugar-bowl, long and tenderly as greedy kisses.

Shuushin 20-Mar-04/6:14 PM
Meaning aside - which is fine, the flow of this is a few extra words past something that I might like very much.

It has a musical flow to it that I often strive for.

But I'm not thrilled with some of the simple descriptors and imagery - while the cadence is melodic, the language is uncomfortable.

Does that make sense?

windy warm
formidable
long and tenderly - could do without those, in particular.




Track and Plan your submissions ; Read some Comics ; Get Paid for your Poetry
PoemRanker Copyright © 2001 - 2024 - kaolin fire - All Rights Reserved
All poems Copyright © their respective authors
An internet tradition since June 9, 2001