on Life is my agony by Prince of Void
23 Jan 2005, 7:35 AM
"I must despairs" is intentional for the second to last line?
Definitely conveys a sense of hopelessness.
Definitely conveys a sense of hopelessness.
on Resurrection by Dreammaker1024
23 Jan 2005, 6:05 PM
Intrigued at first by the style. But this has a teen-angst thesaurized feel to it, still.
"emitted"?
I do like this though: "Weakened by your taste, aroused by the newly
formed light has made this midnight a lamp unto the darkened soul within"
gotta say.
"emitted"?
I do like this though: "Weakened by your taste, aroused by the newly
formed light has made this midnight a lamp unto the darkened soul within"
gotta say.
on Early Morning Thought by Dreammaker1024
23 Jan 2005, 6:07 PM
line breaks would really help this.
on some deleted poem
23 Jan 2005, 8:46 PM
an abrubt ending, but still some nice tidbits in there.
Maybe tone down the punctuation, let the form drive the timing. Good one.
Maybe tone down the punctuation, let the form drive the timing. Good one.
on Unwed by gilded in gold
23 Jan 2005, 8:48 PM
nice tone, but too short - it doesn't bring me anywhere or even full circle.
and I want it to.
and I want it to.
on Before I met you by *.*ReAdY To SnAp.*.
25 Jan 2005, 5:10 PM
That is pretty damn sweet, I gotta say. Enjoy the emotion, my friend - enjoy the emotion.
couple spellings for you if you like:
"wasen't" s/b "wasn't",
"haden't", "hadn't" - except, as you may know - the misspellings add to the effect of the poem.
Good luck.
couple spellings for you if you like:
"wasen't" s/b "wasn't",
"haden't", "hadn't" - except, as you may know - the misspellings add to the effect of the poem.
Good luck.
on "I" became "We" by *.*ReAdY To SnAp.*.
25 Jan 2005, 5:19 PM
I like these - I'm not keen on the god theme (and I noticed you capitalized it here, and not on the last one) and I think it would be fine without it - but hey - it's your thang.
Carry on.
Carry on.
on Ode 2 2Pac by PodPoet
24 Jan 2005, 7:07 PM
A nice job with a topic I know nothing about - having said that, I think you ran out of steam at about here:
"Why couldn't you have survived
And let the dark angels pass you by?"
From that point on... I dunno, it looses something.
What is there, however, is very strong.
"Why couldn't you have survived
And let the dark angels pass you by?"
From that point on... I dunno, it looses something.
What is there, however, is very strong.
on Feudal Conflict by Dovina
24 Jan 2005, 7:10 PM
I think you got word-heavy on this one, D - but I agree, it is a little ominous.
on An Ode To Mr. Moon (Acrostic) by Bhaskaryya
25 Jan 2005, 2:27 PM
"Revivifying " don't see that one much. Consisten rhyming scheme, with a change on the refrain.
Kasturi is Indian, no?
You might want to trim some prepositions, maybe? Why do I harp on that so?
Kasturi is Indian, no?
You might want to trim some prepositions, maybe? Why do I harp on that so?
on Road of Means by MacFrantic
25 Jan 2005, 2:32 PM
You're gonna haveta help me with this one I think.
I'm trying at least - ozone layer destruction?
It is a very nice start to something - but I think I need, or most people will need, more to get involved.
I'm trying at least - ozone layer destruction?
It is a very nice start to something - but I think I need, or most people will need, more to get involved.
on Your Eyes Are Like Stearling Saphires in the month of June by tisa7
27 Jan 2005, 2:37 PM
Hi t7 - a pretty thing, but a couple spellings:
"Sterling", "Sapphires" and "threw" should be "through" and I don't know if you meant "painful" or did the painflu on purpose.
"in to" should prolly be "into"
"Sterling", "Sapphires" and "threw" should be "through" and I don't know if you meant "painful" or did the painflu on purpose.
"in to" should prolly be "into"
on In Answer To Your Question by Dovina
27 Jan 2005, 2:59 PM
3 spaces between comma and the "I'll" in the 3rd stanza
I guess it works as a "prose poem" - but why? This could be said in far fewer words and cleaner as a less verbose (or nounose) poem.
I guess it works as a "prose poem" - but why? This could be said in far fewer words and cleaner as a less verbose (or nounose) poem.
on Waiting for October by wilco
27 Jan 2005, 8:12 PM
"The flowerâs been washed clean." specify flower - fix meter.
"The ghosts are coming through" - weak description - fixable.
"The ghosts are coming through" - weak description - fixable.
on thoughts on a long lazy day by francis nor capule
27 Jan 2005, 8:13 PM
purity often wins.
on some deleted poem
30 Jan 2005, 8:39 AM
This is pretty funny in that I just posted a slightly similar thing. I hadn't read this.
Interesting. I like the feel of it quite a bit, you've got a couple capitalization things, worthy of an edit, that keep me from giving it a 10, otherwise, well, I would.
Interesting. I like the feel of it quite a bit, you've got a couple capitalization things, worthy of an edit, that keep me from giving it a 10, otherwise, well, I would.
on some deleted poem
30 Jan 2005, 3:06 PM
"when you expect something to be perfect
it never is."
amen to that.
it never is."
amen to that.
on Yes, D.A. Private Eye Guy by Luzr
1 Feb 2005, 10:58 AM
a swing and a miss.
on Dying Abroad by zodiac
1 Feb 2005, 10:58 AM
2 triolets, almost - why you mess with formula, boy? Do you feel that repeating the frame of the first line in the first line of the second stanza makes up for the change in the second to last line of the first? I might go for that. Sure, why not - you're entitled to your opinion of what a triolet is. Absolutely.
I like the second half of that first stanza, starting from slip. Has a nice flow and sound to it. Except I missss the logic of thisss sssound she makesss over the fields, or why, or how this adds to the "trouble" of the day.
These commas - are you purposely trying to kill the flow? Espec. L3 in S2
Nice solid concept though with the early snow on an uncut field of hay. Makes sense. Then, right away, you talk more about hay. Hey.
"hay-smelling" ... very evocative, btw. Does that mean it "smells like hay"? That you miss the smell of hay? Or maybe you are anthropomorphising autumn by giving it a nose. How you must miss that nose.
This is the best thing you've ever written.
I like the second half of that first stanza, starting from slip. Has a nice flow and sound to it. Except I missss the logic of thisss sssound she makesss over the fields, or why, or how this adds to the "trouble" of the day.
These commas - are you purposely trying to kill the flow? Espec. L3 in S2
Nice solid concept though with the early snow on an uncut field of hay. Makes sense. Then, right away, you talk more about hay. Hey.
"hay-smelling" ... very evocative, btw. Does that mean it "smells like hay"? That you miss the smell of hay? Or maybe you are anthropomorphising autumn by giving it a nose. How you must miss that nose.
This is the best thing you've ever written.
I like this one, MF.