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Feudal Conflict (Free verse) by Dovina On a checkerboard of days and nights,
Lined and rowed and numbered,
Pieces move about and joust,
Capture, slay, and mate.
A gallant knight, you charge ahead,
Then abruptly turn to challenge.
My pawn and queenliness
Held forked and fated,
Not both can possibly escape.
You can have the pawn if youâre so blind.
Strike it down, then gasp
while a queen smiles sassy at your king.
In check, you call a bishop,
Then she slays your holy man.
Next time youâll look beyond,
forgo the easy threat,
Leave the vulnerable pawn,
And protect yourself instead
For you, my friend,
have felt the heated eye
Of an insulted queen.
Up the ladder:
Dino's
Down the ladder:
A twisted Trail in Edenâs Garden
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 7.625
Posted: January 24, 2005 3:42 PM PST; Last modified: January 24, 2005 3:42 PM PSTWeighted score: 5.7059712 Overall Rank: 1937 Comments:
Is this about chess...or about "the look"? If it's about chess, then I'm bored....if it's about "the look" then I'm scared.
I am afraid you are bored, because it is about chess. It is also about a relationship I don't know what you mean by "the look" or why that would make you scared.
I think you got word-heavy on this one, D - but I agree, it is a little ominous.
I'd like to hear what "word-heavy" means to you here. You must realize that I wanted to keep the chess images flowing and certain words are needed for that.
Please don't take it too harshly - let's see, I felt on the first read that there were too many prepositions and too many conjunctions (thens, ands), and a couple extra modifiers - but after getting a little more familiar with it I think maybe you could hack out 2 if that (L1:on, comma after "slay", L6:"then", "vulnerable" *or* "pawn" (if "vulnerable" then maybe a shorter synonym)).
I do like the repeated "ands" in L2, because of the alliteration with the ending "d" sound (every word). What has added to my first impression is the capitalization, and the commas that precede them; highlights to ill effect. I don't know if it was you intention to capitalize every first letter on every line, but it isn't consistant. Still, a good story - and a nine.
Thanks for the explanation. Some good points there. The caps are inconsistant, and I might make them all caps in keeping with Feudal tradition. I'll take a hard look at the rest. thanks.
title: "Prima donna." I'd give that a 9.
Not a bad title. She is a bit feisty.
Feisty indeed is she.checkmate! 10
Thanks, J. You would not want to tangle with her. The best advice I can offer is buy her expensive gifts and treat her like a lady.
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or, http://tinyurl.com/498vh
Short answer - nobody knows for sure.