Shuushin25 Jan 2005

Please don't take it too harshly - let's see, I felt on the first read that there were too many prepositions and too many conjunctions (thens, ands), and a couple extra modifiers - but after getting a little more familiar with it I think maybe you could hack out 2 if that (L1:on, comma after "slay", L6:"then", "vulnerable" *or* "pawn" (if "vulnerable" then maybe a shorter synonym)).

I do like the repeated "ands" in L2, because of the alliteration with the ending "d" sound (every word).

What has added to my first impression is the capitalization, and the commas that precede them; highlights to ill effect.

I don't know if it was you intention to capitalize every first letter on every line, but it isn't consistant.

Still, a good story - and a nine.