Re: Ravings of a dreamer by SupremeDreamer	21-Apr-04/6:00 AM
one fix: "plague[']s nature" I can't help thinking there's a simpler way to say the same thing, but I guess the vocabularic diarrhea, and I mean that in the nicest possible way, is a style - and I really won't fault you for that. I think the thing does encapsulate a complete thought, as well. I'm forced to consider the merrits of this style, however; it raises questions as I read the piece ... Who is your audience? Is the style consistent with the message? And a broader question: what is the value of language? See what happens? I completely ignore the message and go right to the method of conveyance.
Re: Moving Forward In Reverse (For Ann) by wilco	21-Apr-04/7:03 AM
ahh, love songs with trains - gotta love em. Good one.
regarding some deleted poem...	21-Apr-04/7:06 AM
small nit: "beginning[']s end" (and the I'll will, but you got that one). I find the rhyming quite consistent myself, near-rhymes are fine. good job.
Re: The break-up by petite_brunette	21-Apr-04/7:07 AM
the core of a memorable pop lyric, I'd say.
Re: The Song of Summer Youth (II) by cleverdevice	21-Apr-04/7:09 AM
good language and a pleasant vignette. BUT can you do something with the last line (maybe I just have trouble with last lines?). I keep thinking of guitars... (plus you could do better I think).
Re: Left the key in dream den's door by capachijim	21-Apr-04/7:17 AM
hmmm... "deterred" - not "deferred"? okay, fine. "leaving me" might flow better. Period at the end - did you try any other last lines? I find myself wanting to know more about what the dream den is. Which isn't necessarily bad.
regarding some deleted poem...	21-Apr-04/7:20 AM
The hail as frozen tears simile has been *so* done, yet I still like this one. I wanted "feet" to be "roots", but then I thought maybe you were making an allusion to meter within the context of poetry. Maybe one more stanza - there's enough good with this one to keep going Ithink.
Re: Taupe is an Angry Mob by MacFrantic	21-Apr-04/7:25 AM
interesting (good) title. not sure I like "soil thronging" - with the surrounding text it may be [subconciously] parsed as "schlonging" ... that could just be me though. Lots good about this stanza: "I know not with what to please them They thrive like rapid wildfire So judge me now As a solemn winter Unable to ice a flame Parity in diversion" but kill the last line ("Parity...") there, and I don't like the "charcoal" refrain - for what its worth (though I liked it alot the first time).
regarding some deleted poem...	21-Apr-04/7:40 AM
Cute/clever, if orally fixated, first stanza. I think you could use "Remember" once and get away with it - the ending... would work for me if I could see the link between newspapers and fences (but I'm dense). Bleach is an evocative word.
Re: Summer Festival by wilco	21-Apr-04/7:56 AM
I think the couplets keep the thing from flowing; it reads list-like. It's worth fixing.
regarding some deleted poem...	21-Apr-04/10:42 AM
Was hoping zodiac would put his sonnet back up...
Re: The Conqueror Worm by zodiac	21-Apr-04/11:06 AM
Sure, I'll buy that. Stayed fairly iambic too - Sasha will still bitch (cuz he want to be your).
Re: Thaw by <~>	21-Apr-04/2:09 PM
I like swollen and welling together.
Re: perfection show by halofriendly	21-Apr-04/5:45 PM
has a very sweet, if cryptic, feel. I'd like to see it formatted slightly different, but the content is fine.
Re: Biography I (1996) by halofriendly	21-Apr-04/5:54 PM
the ending could have been very special I think, after such an engaging start. Something needs to happen there, after the "but..." (even if you have to make it up) and please - no talk of suicide; rather some event, or perhaps a statement of altered awareness, a re-union, somehting.
Re: do androids dream? by nentwined	22-Apr-04/6:59 AM
yes Rachel, they dream of electric sheep. A nicely encapsulated thought - and it rhymes; it must be true.
Re: Quintus: Lesson 1 by richa	22-Apr-04/7:02 AM
Tasty. Tasty like delicous little fishes.
Re: Bob Jones Walked the Biscuits by Modulo	22-Apr-04/8:22 AM
SEE - now thats a finish. Nicely done.
regarding some deleted poem...	23-Apr-04/6:54 PM
I don't suppose you married an engineer?
Re: factor me out by fluffigrbl11	23-Apr-04/6:58 PM
eenteresting... You got a ten already? Count me in.