on Moving Forward In Reverse (For Ann) by wilco
21 Apr 2004, 7:03 AM
ahh, love songs with trains - gotta love em.
Good one.
Good one.
on some deleted poem
21 Apr 2004, 7:06 AM
small nit: "beginning[']s end" (and the I'll will, but you got that one).
I find the rhyming quite consistent myself, near-rhymes are fine.
good job.
I find the rhyming quite consistent myself, near-rhymes are fine.
good job.
on The break-up by petite_brunette
21 Apr 2004, 7:07 AM
the core of a memorable pop lyric, I'd say.
on The Song of Summer Youth (II) by cleverdevice
21 Apr 2004, 7:09 AM
good language and a pleasant vignette.
BUT can you do something with the last line (maybe I just have trouble with last lines?).
I keep thinking of guitars... (plus you could do better I think).
BUT can you do something with the last line (maybe I just have trouble with last lines?).
I keep thinking of guitars... (plus you could do better I think).
on Left the key in dream den's door by capachijim
21 Apr 2004, 7:17 AM
hmmm... "deterred" - not "deferred"? okay, fine.
"leaving me" might flow better.
Period at the end - did you try any other last lines?
I find myself wanting to know more about what the dream den is. Which isn't necessarily bad.
"leaving me" might flow better.
Period at the end - did you try any other last lines?
I find myself wanting to know more about what the dream den is. Which isn't necessarily bad.
on some deleted poem
21 Apr 2004, 7:20 AM
The hail as frozen tears simile has been *so* done, yet I still like this one.
I wanted "feet" to be "roots", but then I thought maybe you were making an allusion to meter within the context of poetry.
Maybe one more stanza - there's enough good with this one to keep going Ithink.
I wanted "feet" to be "roots", but then I thought maybe you were making an allusion to meter within the context of poetry.
Maybe one more stanza - there's enough good with this one to keep going Ithink.
on Taupe is an Angry Mob by MacFrantic
21 Apr 2004, 7:25 AM
interesting (good) title.
not sure I like "soil thronging" - with the surrounding text it may be [subconciously] parsed as "schlonging" ... that could just be me though.
Lots good about this stanza:
"I know not with what to please them
They thrive like rapid wildfire
So judge me now
As a solemn winter
Unable to ice a flame
Parity in diversion"
but kill the last line ("Parity...") there, and I don't like the "charcoal" refrain - for what its worth (though I liked it alot the first time).
not sure I like "soil thronging" - with the surrounding text it may be [subconciously] parsed as "schlonging" ... that could just be me though.
Lots good about this stanza:
"I know not with what to please them
They thrive like rapid wildfire
So judge me now
As a solemn winter
Unable to ice a flame
Parity in diversion"
but kill the last line ("Parity...") there, and I don't like the "charcoal" refrain - for what its worth (though I liked it alot the first time).
on some deleted poem
21 Apr 2004, 7:40 AM
Cute/clever, if orally fixated, first stanza.
I think you could use "Remember" once and get away with it - the ending...
would work for me if I could see the link between newspapers and fences (but I'm dense). Bleach is an evocative word.
I think you could use "Remember" once and get away with it - the ending...
would work for me if I could see the link between newspapers and fences (but I'm dense). Bleach is an evocative word.
on Summer Festival by wilco
21 Apr 2004, 7:56 AM
I think the couplets keep the thing from flowing; it reads list-like.
It's worth fixing.
It's worth fixing.
on some deleted poem
21 Apr 2004, 10:42 AM
Was hoping zodiac would put his sonnet back up...
on The Conqueror Worm by zodiac
21 Apr 2004, 11:06 AM
Sure, I'll buy that.
Stayed fairly iambic too - Sasha will still bitch (cuz he want to be your).
Stayed fairly iambic too - Sasha will still bitch (cuz he want to be your).
on do androids dream? by nentwined
22 Apr 2004, 6:59 AM
yes Rachel, they dream of electric sheep.
A nicely encapsulated thought - and it rhymes; it must be true.
A nicely encapsulated thought - and it rhymes; it must be true.
on perfection show by halofriendly
21 Apr 2004, 5:45 PM
has a very sweet, if cryptic, feel.
I'd like to see it formatted slightly different, but the content is fine.
I'd like to see it formatted slightly different, but the content is fine.
on Biography I (1996) by halofriendly
21 Apr 2004, 5:54 PM
the ending could have been very special I think, after such an engaging start.
Something needs to happen there, after the "but..." (even if you have to make it up)
and please - no talk of suicide; rather some event, or perhaps a statement of altered awareness, a re-union, somehting.
Something needs to happen there, after the "but..." (even if you have to make it up)
and please - no talk of suicide; rather some event, or perhaps a statement of altered awareness, a re-union, somehting.
on Quintus: Lesson 1 by richa
22 Apr 2004, 7:02 AM
Tasty. Tasty like delicous little fishes.
on Bob Jones Walked the Biscuits by Modulo
22 Apr 2004, 8:22 AM
SEE - now thats a finish. Nicely done.
on some deleted poem
23 Apr 2004, 6:54 PM
I don't suppose you married an engineer?
on factor me out by fluffigrbl11
23 Apr 2004, 6:58 PM
eenteresting...
You got a ten already? Count me in.
You got a ten already? Count me in.
I can't help thinking there's a simpler way to say the same thing, but I guess the vocabularic diarrhea, and I mean that in the nicest possible way, is a style - and I really won't fault you for that. I think the thing does encapsulate a complete thought, as well.
I'm forced to consider the merrits of this style, however; it raises questions as I read the piece ... Who is your audience? Is the style consistent with the message? And a broader question: what is the value of language?
See what happens? I completely ignore the message and go right to the method of conveyance.