regarding some deleted poem...	3-May-04/10:56 AM
Free coupon for "Grandma's Wildflower and Mulch Mix" with every comment or vote.
Re: Black Belt by etherealmaiden	3-May-04/11:01 AM
I must say that it does convey a sense of increasing constriction. How 'bout making this a concrete with a shape like an hourglass?
regarding some deleted poem...	3-May-04/12:39 PM
Would maybe the impact be stronger if the first stanza went last?
Re: Natural Remedy by richa	3-May-04/1:26 PM
The word "can" just irks me. Given your propensity toward an economy of words you could easily just loose "can" and put an s on "cure[s]" - does it hurt the meter then? I don't think so; up to you. For some reason I read this as an Amish person might - and it cracks me up. Actually it has a comedic feel because this concoction sounds useless; it has all these disclaimers and ways for it to be messed up. In some, most things - short of illness, as long as the soil is hand-turned, specific planting depth, frequent watering, etc... So, I'm going with that you did this effect on purpose and I give you a nine for now (until you change it, because you will - and there's not a thing wrong with doing that).
Re: Gothic by zodiac	3-May-04/1:38 PM
Okay, Z - lets have a go at this... I like the cadence of it, first off. "backwards gravity" got it, like it - falls up (geographically). then an image of the black mother (had to look up "rucked") making sexual advances (I see...) I liked the car "idled into emptiness"; left running - good. I wasn't able to associate with the rot-sweetness of tragedy or the puritan wet-dreams, but I understood it to be a description of something that may be a demographic universal. then there's the suicide scene (is it?) - which I think is a little rushed - or perhaps too complex. I liked the red clay on the shoes - does this mean she's been buried? Made me think so, anyway. I guess I'm not sure what exactly *is* going on in those last two-odd stanzas. A bit more sculpting maybe?
Re: Natural Remedy by richa	4-May-04/7:33 AM
Aye - cleaner. questioning "in some" now... don't hit me...
Re: tribute by francis nor capule	4-May-04/7:37 AM
Is a good question(s), to be sure. And raises still more (nothing wrong with that). I think you might be limiting the poem's impact by making that last suggestion, somehow?
Re: I Find Myself Standing by Aetius	4-May-04/11:08 AM
Shouldn't you be chatting someplace?? ;O) Not bad, this one - not bad at all. Might be a little preposition heavy in S1 (fairly easily fixed - trade away across somehow since it's implied by the bridge). It's got a nice feel to it. ah - I just notice <~> hit on the pronouns. Those little words that offer little value are what will kill you. Over a third of the words are either preps or pronouns.
regarding some deleted poem...	4-May-04/12:51 PM
Sucked me into the story. I wouldn't have questioned the bounce if Richa hadn't said anything, but I think he has a point. Somehow it doesn't make me want to pick at the semantics of it - works for me.
regarding some deleted poem...	4-May-04/5:38 PM
http://www.poemranker.com/poem-details.jsp?id=75624 Love Sick (Free verse) by Shuushin I can't eat, or won't - nothing settles well. You don't miss me I can tell; you can't deny it - don't. When the veil of long night slips away and I'm left still alone in this bed - acres of satin desert; my head buried in the western hills, dreading the coming sunrise; another emotional theft, something gone, or left unsaid - more blanks to fill in. Sleeping pills, glasses of excellent wine in lesser company; feeling the bed spin. Wondering what's wrong with you, but knowing it’s me.
Re: Vodka kisses & the final sigh. by SupremeDreamer	4-May-04/5:49 PM
*Very* nice, really well suited to the form - Added to my faves.
Re: Funeral of My Childhood by Spindle	4-May-04/5:55 PM
-=D_A=-, may we get a score please? I'll echo that its a good story, [surprisingly] not often told. AABB rhyme scheme kicks the crap out of it though.
regarding some deleted poem...	4-May-04/6:07 PM
Liking the Title lots. Last stanza is probably optional - oneish nit, I'd not put the period after "home[.]" (before the quote), and the capital letters before each line take away from the story-telling quality. Nice job, good topic.
Re: Where Have All the Punk Rockers Gone? by wilco	4-May-04/6:12 PM
"inverted Darwinian orgy of sound" wow. De-evolution? Good with punk; well said. As for the rest, I wish you could make it flow a little smoother without creating a dichotomy between the punk rock sound and, well - smooth flow.
regarding some deleted poem...	4-May-04/6:21 PM
Still like it, but now I have a crit (doesn't cost you in the score though). "Its is the possessive form of the pronoun it and is correctly written without an apostrophe." <~>'s crits were spot on, imho, glad to see some of those changes.
Re: Working at the Garden Market by jessicazee	4-May-04/6:37 PM
Title verb could give you a bit more use prolly. "windy" twice in the first? I'm going to go off on that first stanza some more, no abuse intended. Do you really need to *tell* me it's windy? I mean "hats rolling [down] the sidewalk" do that for you, right? Pretty much - "down" is weak to that end though, but easily replaced with maybe a simile. Can you do something with "Hats" - make it more real, less "movie-like"? Figure all that out and apply to the other stanzas and it will help you with this pattern of saying "here is an event", then proceeding to describe the event; "They were yelling/words were loudly played about" kindof thing. The idea is to not need that first [telling] bit. Btw, I didn't spend all these words because I think this sucks, in fact it has a refined feel, especially toward the end - but there is some noise making it difficult to appreciate fully.
Re: California triolets by zodiac	5-May-04/5:41 AM
Nice one! Another great use of a form. The repetition with the driving and the smoking and the reading works really well with this travelog feel. A well-deserved Ten.
Re: American Idle by wilco	5-May-04/5:46 AM
"fatigue is my color." - very very good. There are so many standard set pieces in here though, I can't decide if its giving it a classic, or a tired feel. Hmmm... That line though, love that.
Re: The Towel Head Blues by horus8	5-May-04/5:49 AM
Strong stuff. Too strong maybe; such a thing may exist. (I'm put off a bit by the language.)
Re: On the Discovery of High Noon and The Devil in a Glass Jar. by MacFrantic	5-May-04/11:37 AM
Help me with "tightly jarred" Good ones, even with my confusion.