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Natural Remedy (Free verse) by richa Mint and witch hazel
cures most things
short of an illness.
A sprig and a branch
a half-thumb deep
in hand-turned soils
grown to its limits.
To prune, pestle
to taste if needs be.
Up the ladder:
The dancers
Down the ladder:
Easter (edited)
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 8.8
Posted: May 3, 2004 12:44 PM PDT; Last modified: May 4, 2004 1:15 PM PDTWeighted score: 5.452971 Overall Rank: 2907 Comments:
The word "can" just irks me. Given your propensity toward an economy of words you could easily just loose "can" and put an s on "cure[s]" - does it hurt the meter then? I don't think so; up to you.
For some reason I read this as an Amish person might - and it cracks me up. Actually it has a comedic feel because this concoction sounds useless; it has all these disclaimers and ways for it to be messed up. In some, most things - short of illness, as long as the soil is hand-turned, specific planting depth, frequent watering, etc... So, I'm going with that you did this effect on purpose and I give you a nine for now (until you change it, because you will - and there's not a thing wrong with doing that).
The first verse is funny, since witch hazel is used on bruises and inflammations, and mint tea is supposed to be very healtful for many ills. Mint doesn't propogate well from seeds; shoots are best. I don't know about witch hazel. Mint doesn't grow tall, witch hazel does. "To taste if need be" but does anyone taste witch hazel?
It does have a comedic feel to is somehow, doesn't it?
yep might change the bit about tall. I meant to its height really, not absolute tallness.
To taste if needs be...i aint no fuckin gardner, and maybe this phrase is an apt ending amongst gardening type folk, in the fold, but it leaves me a little limp, and desirous of something more satisfying.
These are remedies to "taste" only if needed.
"grow tall and tall..." maybe. It's a Whitman thing. I dunno. I like it as is. I tend to overlook burned leaves if the root is strong.
Aye - cleaner.
questioning "in some" now... don't hit me...
The first verse seems awkwardly worded, though understandable.
I find it less readable now. Well, less clear.
You may have set a record on number of revisions in one day. This, I think is better, clearer, assuming I remember correctly what it said before. However, I think you've lost some of the mystique the poem originally had.
sth made me think about this poem ..welldone
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"Grow mature and tall" bugs me a little. I don't know if that's gardener talk or not, but it seems one of those adjectives should be replaced with a better one - doesn't matter which.
Good as ever.