Poemranker [Poem: Funeral of My Childhood] [by Spindle] Thu Nov 21 10:38:42 PST 2024

It started as just a fling. A "join the group" sort of thing. He seemed real nice, gentle, and kind. I was in the right frame of mind. And so we danced all through the night, Like two flames about to ignite. I felt a togetherness I have never known, But in the morning I was all alone. Weeks went by, and he was not seen. I felt more alone than I ever have been. But I wasn't alone, little then did I know That something inside me was about to grow. Months went by, and I learned the truth. I was forced to say "goodbye" to my youth. I went to the hospital in pain I couldn't believe. I had a goal I was afraid to achieve. Around me the doctors and nurses stood As I watched the funeral of my childhood.

[8] deleted user @ 68.66.196.168 | 4-May-04/3:27 PM | Reply

Was the baby stillborn? The rhymes are mostly forced and do not add to the cadance. It's a good rhythm and a good story, but unless you can make the rhymes flow easily without attracting to themselves, I think it's best to do without.

[7] Shuushin @ 207.5.211.177 | 4-May-04/5:55 PM | Reply

-=D_A=-, may we get a score please?

I'll echo that its a good story, [surprisingly] not often told.

AABB rhyme scheme kicks the crap out of it though.

[n/a] zodiac @ 67.240.59.208 > Shuushin | 4-May-04/6:44 PM | Reply

Don't be silly. Anyone can do one, as you'd know if you'd actually read your memos, instead of just making sailor hats out of them and ludicrously insisting that we all call you "Admiral."

MEDIOCRITY CODE: 8074D421
-11-

Untitled 5 by francis nor capule beats the shit out of it though. See for yourself:

MEDIOCRITY CODE: 1DF4B4B1
-17-

[7] Shuushin @ 207.5.211.177 > zodiac | 4-May-04/6:52 PM | Reply

Heheh. I guess I lost the memo with the link (okay, its a swan now).

[8] horus8 @ 24.130.62.63 | 4-May-04/8:11 PM | Reply

'twas me said the bean to Uranus.

[7] SupremeDreamer @ 204.31.164.173 | 8-May-04/5:27 AM | Reply

Your poem is young and fledgling, but you show some promise- just expand your topic/style/view of life around you when wielding the pen. Blessed with seven.