| Re: Happiness & Old Age by Caducus |
10-Aug-03/9:02 PM |
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| Re: The Cereal Killer Blues by <{Baba^Yaga}> |
10-Aug-03/11:36 PM |
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nice start, id finish it, but im no song writer. ;)
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| Re: Please vote zero by King Abdullah I |
11-Aug-03/10:47 AM |
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| Re: The Cereal Killer Blues by <{Baba^Yaga}> |
11-Aug-03/11:34 AM |
my pockets full of amt vials
thats sure to arouse smiles
as we druggie trip to saturn
ill watch the swirl of colors
frozen in a trance to learn
how to comprehend chaotic visions
of dancin purple men
making wicked incisions
into our skulls to then
suck the liquid out a straw
your soul seduced
pretty lips wide open in awe
as my rough fingers produced
yellow lightin down your creamy thighs
makin those lips breathe dreamy sighs
hopin my exploration discovers
pink tight lips
that'll be sure to make ya buck your hips
leavin you wantin more
depite no erection, dont worry, thats what viagras for
two gulps of rum to send them blue pills down my gullet
and ill ram it hard so you'll feel it
then at 2 am in the mornin,
i ditch the motel we fucked in
to continue explorin
the wonderfull realm of chaos
---
Heres my entry.. there, i got balls.. but like i said, i dont write songs lol..
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| Re: Concieted Checkmate. by LuckyJoe |
12-Aug-03/12:54 AM |
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what good is chess pieces when i eliminated the board, stole the crown, and then made the kingdom laugh at your face? lol. cmon now, this was one big cliche.. chess.. THINK HARDER!!!!!!!! 4.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
14-Aug-03/4:50 AM |
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hey motherfucker, dont steal my signature way of presenting poems. ;P
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| Re: A Rose by LuckyJoe |
18-Aug-03/4:52 AM |
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skimming the surface, using the same old metaphors, roses, ice cream.. continue to dream, my sleeping beauty, till you find that your living a nightmare.. strike out motherfucker, be original.. or atleast put a new twist to old shit..
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
18-Aug-03/7:47 AM |
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| Re: A ballerina bubble bath by horus8 |
18-Aug-03/1:45 PM |
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wheres the ultra violence? lol. 9
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
18-Aug-03/3:37 PM |
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| Re: Upon a falling star (new/changed) by LuckyJoe |
21-Aug-03/3:49 AM |
"And how many times must I wish upon a falling star"
and? wheres the beginning? JOE??? cmon man, just look, read that.. doesnt it make you wonder whether its a
continuation of some earlier stanzas?
the rhyme is forced into a rigid form.. and frankly, the whole damned poem is cliche.. your sentences are undercooked.
forget attempting to fix this thing, because your looking at a complete rewrite.. be brave, move the fuck on, and stop saving whatever the hell your writing saying "its not worthy"
pfff.. dont become a pussy.
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| Re: The Better of the Sea by abecedarian |
21-Aug-03/4:21 AM |
nice work.. just one thing bugs me:
Whose cradling caring grip
take the word caring and toss it into a trashcan.. its useless filler.. that makes the line weak.. it made my eyes sore..
blessed with nine
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| Re: Blind Sight by Nirvana13666 |
21-Aug-03/1:44 PM |
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| Re: You and I by Nirvana13666 |
21-Aug-03/1:56 PM |
moosh.. im melting.. cmon now, can you put a new spin on this love shit? give it some sparkle? make it dance? something like that? i feel cheated charlie.. i want my money back.
Nothing strong enough to last
ibogaine can last upto 3 days.. is that strong enough?
blessed with 6.
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| Re: super-power by Nirvana13666 |
21-Aug-03/1:59 PM |
I think i wrote something like this once.. i was 13 back then.. i still slam a hammer into my head everytime i look at it again..
pseudo-political.. and there is not much "anarchy" in politics.. its all laid out, its only confusing for you obviously..
heres a 3..
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| Re: faulty fate by Nirvana13666 |
21-Aug-03/2:03 PM |
*chew* -spit- ok man, was your girlie fondling you when you wrote this? lets title this "the ode of elmo"
We forget how to smile innocently
innocence loses its luster around puberty, werent you aware of that fact?? bleh.
heres a 5.
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| Re: selflessness by NNirvana13666 |
21-Aug-03/2:06 PM |
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i started reading it, i puked.. cmon, be fucking original, give me something worth reading, give me something that will make me grin when i start reading it... CPR required man, really.
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| Re: walk out by NNirvana13666 |
21-Aug-03/2:11 PM |
Worship the air I breathe
just to inform you, your suffocating.. and your breath stinks, i dont worship such bad smelling oxygen.
heres a 6
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
21-Aug-03/2:13 PM |
sex counseling? therapy? on the net?.. well, who knows settle, it could work. -shrug-
blessed with 8.
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| Re: To Mom by Brittanyy |
21-Aug-03/2:17 PM |
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... commiting suicide because your mother drinks? CMON, get the fuck over it, get up, and LIVE... bleh.. heres a 7.
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