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Upon a falling star (new/changed) (Lyric) by LuckyJoe And how many times must I wish upon a falling star
Wondering why you've gone so far away
And I'm here wish for another day
Tell me why you've gone so far away
Baby please, there has to be a better way
Come back and hold me for a day.
Tell me now all the things you wish to say.
And how many times must I wish upon a falling star.
Wonder why you've gone so far away
And I'm still stuck, wishing
Wishing for another day and a better way
Baby please tell me you hear all these things I say
Can't keep going on wishing for another day.
And how many times must I wish upon a falling star
Wonder why you've gone so far away
So tell me now, are you gone for good
Baby please don't keep me waiting, come on home to stay.
Cause I can't keep on waiting for another day
Come on home and hold me for the day
Tell me now all the things you wish to say.
And how many times must I wish upon a falling star
Wonder why you've gone so far away
Tell me now are my days wishing just wasting
Can't keep waiting for you to hold me another day
Baby please understand all these things I say
Cause tomorrow I might not be wishing for another day
**************************
Heavy crit please. I've made quite a few changes want to know if it
helped any. Thanks.
Up the ladder:
The Girl Who Is Gone
Down the ladder:
An Angel's Caress
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 5.8333335
Posted: July 24, 2003 6:50 AM PDT; Last modified: August 20, 2003 4:58 PM PDTWeighted score: 5.2241178 Overall Rank: 4272 Comments:
[n/a]
Caducus @ 62.105.119.105
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24-Jul-03/8:58 AM
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Reply
I'm not sure this has an identity of a poem or a lyric. As a poem its exhausting and as a lyric the singer would need to be rescued by full stops. Its not awful but not good neither just a mass of phrases the amount to little. 5
[5]
Shardik @ 24.126.113.154
> Caducus
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20-Aug-03/7:06 PM
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You mean cpr and shock padles, right?
I guess many have a set mind in what poetry should be eh? lol. I laugh at all the pathetic fools who think poetry should be a certain way. Poetry is a expression of one's heart and soul. Of course that is just my thought. here is a ten QT. = )
Now we have something in common. Because, when I laugh hard enough to fart and gag? It's usuall upon recollection of your face and your bovine poetical tamponing.
If I hadn't already parodized this, I would.
L3 is crapped up. and l7-the end is hard to read without sleeping.
"And how many times must I wish upon a falling star"
and? wheres the beginning? JOE??? cmon man, just look, read that.. doesnt it make you wonder whether its a continuation of some earlier stanzas? the rhyme is forced into a rigid form.. and frankly, the whole damned poem is cliche.. your sentences are undercooked. forget attempting to fix this thing, because your looking at a complete rewrite.. be brave, move the fuck on, and stop saving whatever the hell your writing saying "its not worthy" pfff.. dont become a pussy.
Hehe I'll take a look through some of my new shit and see what I've got. This was a new one... and its not so much a poem... its kinda ment to be a song. And yes its missing a beginning. Its uncooked due to being a song rather than poem. *goes to look at some of his new stuff that he can post on Sunday sometime*
look, im no musician.. but my english teacher from the first grade could inform you of this fact:
every piece of writing needs a damned beginning/middle/end... uncooked due to it being a song? luckyjoe, dont blab stupid crap like that.. look under horus8 and check out some of his lyrics, you'll find that they are quite well cooked, and they have a beginning! Look around for other lyrics, explore this world.. youll find that any lyric worth a fuck isnt going to be without a beginning.. this is basic english class lessons man.. 183 view(s)
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