Re: Anvil man by INTRANSIT	30-Dec-03/12:16 AM
Earlier today I gave this poem a ten; reading it again, its still ten BUT since I'm an opinionated asshole, I have some suggestions: "searing molten steel whip" three adjectives make the flow buckle.. how about cutting out "searing" since we know its molten? "Hold fast your shape, as he wields the" Ending the line at "the" also causes the flow to stumble.. how bout "Hold fast your shape as he wields the work-blows," making the next line "and reply with the ever affirming clank" and the last line of S1 "as you have done since your casting." Thats all.
regarding some deleted poem...	6-Jan-04/10:51 AM
Love it, but I have a suggestion for the first stanza, last line: ____________________________________________________________ "Upholding the world, recreating The spasms of blood from a tortured bird Dashing song upon rocks for it to break [And shatter and resound and be again as it was before]" ____________________________________________________________ What do you think about inserting a comma after "break" in S1-L4, and altering the last line to: "shatter, resound, and be again as it was before" The extra "ands" cripple the flow, plus its a little odd to repeat it three times in one line.. I suck at grammar, but I believe its proper to use commas for multiple verbs/nouns/etc, then use "and" before naming the last verb/noun/etc. Maybe I'm just being finicky; its upto you. Great poem either way. Blessed with ten.
regarding some deleted poem...	6-Jan-04/11:22 AM
The way its written is confusing; theres abrupt changes in topic that don't correspond with earlier parts of a line, etc, and other scattered defects- some examples: "White russians with Courvosier not vodka and Sade, my new best friends." Unclear if the russians or the liquers are your new best friends. "It's not their fault, just another piece I just wanna punch a grandfather clock," First line is left hanging, unfinished- Another piece of who/what? The clock? "their"? etc. "departed black lesbian car hauler, sister." Way too many adjectives crammed together- keep it simple like: "my recently departed *black lesbian sister" *- is it really that important to state her race? what relevance does it have with the poem? (what does the entire stanza have to do with the overall poem? theres nothing in the beginning that reveals your sisters place in this piece what so ever) In short, its chaotic and totally drives me bonkers.. the core feeling/idea is somewhat laid out, and you've expressed the angst well, but haven't given it any clear direction or distinctness. Blessed with 6. _______________________________________________________ Not trien to be an ass, btw, so forgive me if i come off as being extremely anal ;/
Re: Drag me Down, Deadweight by phbiscuit	6-Jan-04/12:52 PM
Not bad at all.. Heres a well deserved nine.
Re: Drinking and driving by SILYLILGURL	6-Jan-04/1:04 PM
It almost an exact commercial-script of a goverment sponsored television community message. I've heard/seen the same exact shit on radio & cable television.. You can't get more unorginal than this girlie. Heres a two..
regarding some deleted poem...	6-Jan-04/1:59 PM
Could of shortened this slightly.. but I love it! Bound to a wheelchair or not? doesn't matter- it just adds spice to this jesters comic waltz. But honestly, who the fuck spends time wondering whether your telling the truth or just being full of shit? Theres more amusing things to ponder and do. Blessed with nine.
Re: Lynched by Bachus	12-Jan-04/11:45 AM
LMAO. Indeed. Blessed with ten.
Re: Prepropositioned pudding by Jeremi B. Handrinos	12-Jan-04/11:54 AM
Nice hunting traps. 8.
Re: American Eden v.2 [revised] by SupremeDreamer	12-Jan-04/12:23 PM
Finally got around to giving this ole piece the face lift it desperately needed.
Re: Mermaid by lastobelus	12-Jan-04/12:53 PM
A bit long.. alot of editing could be done (mostly minor tweaks allover) that could really improve this poem. Blessed with eight.
regarding some deleted poem...	12-Jan-04/1:07 PM
I ask myself those questions all the time... Blessed with nine.
regarding some deleted poem...	12-Jan-04/1:14 PM
enthropy = entropy, right? and theres other things that need fixing all over the place. Its a damn good first draft- a little editing and you'll be on Groove St. smokin on victory. Blessed with eight.
Re: Just A Dream by Blindpoetry	12-Jan-04/2:24 PM
Whats wrong with you? Forgot to eat fish & chicken liver for breakfast? Strike one. Keep swinging the oakclub until you hit home or strikeout.
Re: The Blues by fevriere	12-Jan-04/2:40 PM
Not bad.. seven.
Re: Snowflake by fevriere	12-Jan-04/2:42 PM
Other than comparing her to a snowflake? the poem was pretty good. And it'll be better when you get rid of the snowflake, IMHO. eight.
Re: Billy Bytack Forces His Children To Sell Jesus by horus8	13-Jan-04/11:36 AM
Where do you meet these shit-heads man? Honestly, hook me up, I need this kind of entertainment in excess, consistently. Can we market Billy Jesus as americas new at-home tap & constant IV drip? I predict it'll make a killing with jewish housewives. And amphetamine freaks with pens. Blessed with ten.
Re: Scarlet Wyvern by SupremeDreamer	20-Jan-04/2:47 PM
I have found the name of names! Baptized in blood, may this poem be known as Scarlet Wyvern!!!
Re: Gethsemane (or, Jesus learns what's up with dying) by zodiac	1-Feb-04/2:07 PM
brilliant, fucking brilliant. 10.
Re: Gethsemane (or, Jesus learns what's up with dying) by zodiac	4-Feb-04/9:21 PM
Whether its an actual poem or part of a novel your working on- its written in a way which makes it more than just a narrative dialog; at the least its very good prose. What makes it enjoyable for me is the suggestion of pantheism and the theory that god is a manifestation of the mind- and that you depicted the humor that it could entail. I'd love to read this novel you're in the process of making; your style of writing and the subjects you explore fascinate me immensely.
Re: Something's gone wrong by zodiac	4-Feb-04/9:48 PM
I like it- my only problem with it is the use of "thronging", which doesn't sound right.. perhaps "enough to shake you awake, call it quits, step out of the house into the [crowded darkness] (or) [tense {or hectic} dark]" Or something, because "throng" is a verb; def: press tightly together or cram- which makes little sense, so I don't have a clue what you intented to express with its use. I could be babbling foolishly, but an explaination would be nice. Blessed with nine.