Poemranker [Poem: Drag me Down, Deadweight] [by phbiscuit] Thu Nov 21 07:23:35 PST 2024

Drag me down, deadweight I don't really care how far I fall The water is warmer where it is broken By the two of us floating along The pressure will build as we sink Squeezing our bones Until the dark depths envelop us With gentle snaps and delicate pulls Waves will sweep our bodies home Gliding through moonlight Sailing blissfully towards morning On one long, lovely road Our final memories will strike the shore Bleached by the Pacific sun Gathering admirers in the sand While we walk in the deep, dark cold

[8] richa @ 81.178.228.141 | 31-Dec-03/12:36 PM | Reply

Not sure where the walking comes from in the last line, or the cold for that matter (you said earlier the water was warmer where you were together- a rather sweet line).

Also I find such fantasies both overdone and to a certain extent melodramatic.

Other than that this is really good.

[8] lastobelus @ 217.226.20.245 > richa | 2-Jan-04/5:33 PM | Reply

in the last stanza they are divided, the abandoned shells of selves washed ashore and now things of beauty (and no longer deadweights) while their true selves, or souls, walk (now unencumbered) in the depths.

I'm not sure if I would characterize the fantasy as melodramatic or whimsical. I'm going to go with whimsical because I liked it and it's cool to like whimsy but not cool to like melodrama.

[9] SupremeDreamer @ 204.31.168.232 | 6-Jan-04/12:52 PM | Reply

Not bad at all..

Heres a well deserved nine.