Re: Anatomy by Jimbo	7-Mar-03/7:14 AM
the first 4 stanzas grab me. you need a 5th to complete the structure here: take my hands (or skin, although touch is usually associated immediately with hands) ... also, i respectfully suggest that your eyes have *not* failed you--they have taken it all in, and more. maybe your legs failed you--bringing you to where you could partake in these visions? maybe your legs failed you by not bearing you away? your final stanza is weakest. if you'd like some suggestions for reworking the last, i'll gladly send them along. z
Re: Blustered by INTRANSIT	7-Mar-03/8:04 AM
"inevitable" leaves me hanging, sir! completion, svp!
Re: Aries, the God of war by Shardik	7-Mar-03/10:52 AM
it would be-HOOVE mr foster to familiarize himself with your oeuvre, as posted on this site (see: plains of africa) as well as the 3rd deinition of the poet's perk: coin * age n. 1. The right or process of making coins. 2. - Metal currency. - A system of metal currency. 3. - A new word or phrase. - The invention of new words.
Re: Keanu Vs The mystery of life by Shardik	7-Mar-03/1:53 PM
spin it.
regarding some deleted poem...	7-Mar-03/1:54 PM
yeah. it sure does.
regarding some deleted poem...	7-Mar-03/1:56 PM
hey cad-- this line ain't right: "It hungers desire and hunts for the feast." "lovers" should be "I heard my lover's scream in her echoes," this line is awkward: "Two hands moving slowly in time unable to stop." they are obviously able to stop, since they have just been restored (repaired?) fix these things?
Re: Keanu Vs The mystery of life by Shardik	7-Mar-03/2:03 PM
you can do better, though.
regarding some deleted poem...	9-Mar-03/5:13 PM
brandon, how old are you? please respond. z
Re: this old man (edit) by Bill Z Bub	9-Mar-03/5:21 PM
hello mr bub, some comments on yer pome: "surreptitiously. " too long/bland/erudite a word for this poem. it doesn't fit the gist of it. you're all about the things the simple and the simply arrogant want hhere--and besides, they are obvious in their avoidance, are they not? so why the word, bub? it confuses the issue. "prideful gnarled knuckles at the line-walkers passing above*,* snatch*es* the black woolen cap from his lap. " i know you're all about the grammar, so i thought i'd throw that at you. that being said, i like this very much. but your ending makes him a plant and not a man; by steailing his mobility, you steal his humanity. if by 'barrel' you mean to infer his thirst for the 80 proof, it does not work here.. ta, z
Re: Waiting to exit by INTRANSIT	11-Mar-03/6:40 AM
what is the box? why do you keep calling it a box? is it an icecube?
Re: The lightest touch by INTRANSIT	11-Mar-03/7:05 AM
Wispy swirling white. Flashing ruby fright. Spinning,(ins. comma) sliding away (delete the period) as more and more (eh. 'more and more' is so generic. you can say it better) enter the fray. Many pass(del. 'on) in the night. (what are you trying to say--they ignore someone stranded?) (delete 'in)Wispy and swirling white.
Re: The lightest touch by INTRANSIT	11-Mar-03/7:26 AM
"Wispy swirling white." very nice sounds, here. nice, the repeat for closure as well.
Re: Departing by scornofangels	11-Mar-03/7:39 AM
why is the language in this so arcane? the poem would be much more accessible if it were more vernacular, or, if you were trying to make it sound like a classic Romantic poem, if you stayed with formal usage. I suspect you got the zero becuse you didn't make up your mind. i won't vote until it's finished. if this is finished, i'll not vote.
Re: first kiss by lost in america	12-Mar-03/7:56 AM
'last breath of friendship' is a nice observation.
Re: what's a henway by thomb tum	12-Mar-03/11:24 AM
while you are asleep?
Re: Falling Out Of Love by Sawa	12-Mar-03/3:08 PM
sister Sawa. it will not always be like this.
regarding some deleted poem...	12-Mar-03/5:06 PM
you've worked it out beautifully. now seduce him.
regarding some deleted poem...	13-Mar-03/12:10 PM
bravo! brava! whatever, hipster-trickster!
Re: Icarus Down by horus8	13-Mar-03/12:11 PM
no! you have undone it, h! some thing has been lost, here. <sigh>
Re: Icarus up by horus8	13-Mar-03/12:33 PM
ah, i see that i was.