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Anatomy (Free verse) by Jimbo
Anatomy ~ take my eyes as they cry burning with acid tears running down the cheeks of my face i have seen too much for one person to see visions of which i cannot forget i had watched as men, women and children of all races die before my eyes i need not see anymore take them and use them i would sooner be blind ~ take my ears they are useless to me i heard the curses and loud noises now my ears are aching with sounds i hate they ooze with the pain of words and swell with redness at the sounds of silence that my past had been ~ take my nose the smell of death wedged in my nostrils where fire once exited and i breathed the rot of bodies i do not need my nose ~ take my tongue it burns with the distaste of dreams past rats have nibbled upon the tip of my tongue making words so hard to speak no more can i taste the beauty that life had to offer just bitterness as it rests upon my pallette teeth that have no roots being pulled from the precious jaws that held them tight i know a tree with no roots cannot live very long take my fingers from my hands they have held instruments of death now they are senseless to touch what i had touched in the past is gone . . . now turned to dust my fingers hurt with pain bursting at the knuckles where fists were once clenched with rage cuts and bruised now useless but for the words they write ~ take my memory away from me it has no more space it is full of waste as toxic as my tears my brain cannot forget cluttered with past dreams that have bursted before my swollen eyes the cortex is burning through to my spine a future for me now left behind ~ my senses have dulled the brain has swelled eyes that could have witnessed beauty have failed me ears that once heard the lovely sounds of music so sweet are of no use once they have turned mute aromas that had filled my breath again the smell of death touch me with your fingers feel my flesh as it turns so cold i cannot feel anymore squeeze me and remove my breath take me to a resting place . . . i belong no more ~~ Tlb

Down the ladder: Her Smile's Salvation

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Arithmetic Mean: 6.111111
Weighted score: 5.5555553
Overall Rank: 2457
Posted: March 6, 2003 3:40 PM PST; Last modified: March 6, 2003 3:40 PM PST
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Comments:
[6] maffy @ 62.105.88.10 | 7-Mar-03/3:10 AM | Reply
putrid
[n/a] Jimbo @ 205.188.208.42 > maffy | 7-Mar-03/5:26 AM | Reply
Yep, it was
[n/a] <~> @ 167.206.181.179 | 7-Mar-03/7:14 AM | Reply
the first 4 stanzas grab me. you need a 5th to complete the structure here:

take my hands (or skin, although touch is usually associated immediately with hands) ...

also, i respectfully suggest that your eyes have *not* failed you--they have taken it all in, and more. maybe your legs failed you--bringing you to where you could partake in these visions? maybe your legs failed you by not bearing you away?

your final stanza is weakest. if you'd like some suggestions for reworking the last, i'll gladly send them along.

z
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