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this old man (edit) (Free verse) by Bill Z Bub
Grimey, like a shuffle in the downtown sludge, open bardoors breathing the stink of liquor and piss and old men, their pockmarked skin flaking hopeless desire. this old man, thistle man, throws down the brown paper bag filled with smashed sterile bones of glass, and rubs his hands, his empty hands. he croaks, points prideful gnarled knuckles at the line-walkers passing above. snatches the black woolen cap from his lap. he won't move til he's ready, this thistle grown from concrete and asphalt, prickly and dried, weathered in a barrel for life.

Up the ladder: Joshua goes to Canaan
Down the ladder: Apex of the Moon

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Arithmetic Mean: 6.0
Weighted score: 5.119203
Overall Rank: 5681
Posted: March 8, 2003 9:16 PM PST; Last modified: August 17, 2003 4:19 PM PDT
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Comments:
[n/a] wLeBlancw @ 198.81.26.167 | 8-Mar-03/9:50 PM | Reply
and rubs his hands, his empty hands. isn't it obvious that they're empty?
[n/a] Bill Z Bub @ 24.112.224.232 > wLeBlancw | 9-Mar-03/7:05 AM | Reply
Yeah, but I liked the rhythm. I'm sure I will revise soon. This is the first draft.
[n/a] lastobelus @ 217.226.19.245 > Bill Z Bub | 9-Mar-03/5:26 PM | Reply
Revise if you want, but be careful where you take revising advice from.

'couse, you could always take it from me: how 'bout "and rubs his emptied hands"

my beef is that I get the impression you want to celebrate some aspect of your old man, but you caricature (is caricature allowed to be a verb, or do I have to -ize it?) him too strongly for the celebration to have impact. If you follow what I mean.
[8] INTRANSIT @ 152.163.188.72 | 9-Mar-03/6:54 AM | Reply
Like to discuss some beefs I have here. E-mail me.
Canuckistan? I turn at the drowning pines, right?
[n/a] Bill Z Bub @ 24.112.224.232 > INTRANSIT | 9-Mar-03/7:02 AM | Reply
Beefs? Uh, okay, at what e-mail address?
[n/a] Bill Z Bub @ 24.112.224.232 > Bill Z Bub | 9-Mar-03/7:20 AM | Reply
FOR JESU'S SAKE, MAN, WHAT HAVE I DONE TO OFFEND THEE! PLEASE TELL ME NOW, OR I'LL BE DISTRACTED ALL DAY LONG!
You evil, evil, man.
[n/a] Bill Z Bub @ 24.112.224.232 > Bill Z Bub | 9-Mar-03/7:35 AM | Reply
I REPENT! I REPENT DEAR JESU! I'LL NEVER WRITE A POEM ABOUT A HOMELESS ALCOHOL CHALLENGED MALE AGAIN. Glub!
[8] INTRANSIT @ 152.163.188.7 > Bill Z Bub | 9-Mar-03/8:18 AM | Reply
Sorry 'bout that Mr. B. I must've logged off just before you logged on or sumpn. The trky addr is correct. We'll chat about my poem as well.
[n/a] Bill Z Bub @ 24.112.224.232 > INTRANSIT | 9-Mar-03/4:58 PM | Reply
wha? All I see is (private/not displayed).
[9] Ranger @ 62.7.131.4 | 9-Mar-03/12:34 PM | Reply
This is wonderful...just wonderful. 9
[n/a] Bill Z Bub @ 24.112.224.232 > Ranger | 9-Mar-03/5:00 PM | Reply
Thanks.
I'm still trying to figure out how to work in "nick-knack paddywhack" and "this old man came rolling home". :-)
[n/a] TrulyUnique0642 @ 67.24.137.188 | 9-Mar-03/3:51 PM | Reply
Not excatally my type of poetry but it's ok ... i guess
[n/a] <~> @ 67.87.76.32 | 9-Mar-03/5:21 PM | Reply
hello mr bub,

some comments on yer pome:

"surreptitiously. "
too long/bland/erudite a word for this poem. it doesn't fit the gist of it. you're all about the things the simple and the simply arrogant want hhere--and besides, they are obvious in their avoidance, are they not? so why the word, bub? it confuses the issue.

"prideful gnarled knuckles at the line-walkers
passing above*,*
snatch*es* the black woolen cap
from his lap. "

i know you're all about the grammar, so i thought i'd throw that at you.

that being said, i like this very much.

but your ending makes him a plant and not a man; by steailing his mobility, you steal his humanity. if by 'barrel' you mean to infer his thirst for the 80 proof, it does not work here..

ta,

z
[n/a] Bill Z Bub @ 24.112.224.232 > <~> | 9-Mar-03/5:41 PM | Reply
Wow, very interesting comments I'll take into consideration whilst revising this. Thanks, z.
And yes, it should be "snatches" for sure.

ciao, bella.
[8] INTRANSIT @ 205.188.208.106 | 10-Mar-03/5:43 AM | Reply
Ok. What Z said about the hat and line walkers were 2 of my dislikes. Your glitterati swerve to avoid, but they're overhead?
And S-1 old men/this old man/thisle man. You know me, less is more where I come from. lose one i think.
Other than that eees guut,yah.
[5] poetandknowit @ 65.100.176.184 | 10-Mar-03/10:39 PM | Reply
Big words, decent flow, fine images, but the poem feels a bit forced. Like a generic observation. But, I am drunk so don't mind me.
[8] god'swife @ 209.178.177.224 | 18-Apr-03/2:19 PM | Reply
Terrific flow at the beginning. Try to stay with it. Great images; thistle works well I think, for all the obvious reasons. Your going to be a great writer some day, some day soon.

Come to California
I can't see your brown eyes from here.
Mend my sorrow.
[8] fevriere @ 213.232.79.42 | 7-May-04/1:35 AM | Reply
The first stanza is too much - I daren't say over-written - but the second has a ring to it.
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