Re: drought on talkin river by richa	14-Aug-03/6:45 PM
much much more than youusually give us! smart. 2 quibbles: 1. tarns have mouths? since when? rivers do--not lakes. 2. comma at the end of L5, since the phrase's purpose is to modify. nice work. no vote yet.
Re: The invisible man by Hostileintent	14-Aug-03/7:27 PM
1. tell me how old you are 2. tell me what your endgame is 3. tell me how far you want me to go. z
Re: A parking lot, a smoke, and the pleasure of being alone by thepinkbunnyofdoom	15-Aug-03/5:59 AM
pbod, first, run spell check. second, develop the amusing first half of the poem, and drop the proselytizing you ram down our throats in the last part. third, use line breaks and spacing FOR A REASON. not because you're not sure how. for examples, i recommend a book : The New American Poets (http://www.ecampus.com/bk_detail.asp?isbn=0874519640). it is chock-full of excellent work, all of it fresh, all of it very recent. study it and hone your craft.
Re: for sue (20030815) by nentwined	15-Aug-03/3:27 PM
thanks,, k. um. i mean, um, er, well, you know who you are!!! xo, ~
Re: deleted scenes by Bill Z Bub	18-Aug-03/12:01 PM
is the last scene deleted, bill? because it feels really, really real.
Re: null by Bill Z Bub	18-Aug-03/12:05 PM
bill there are still too many extra words. e.g., what could the bra be _but_ discarded.? etc. cut it down, because it's raw. it's pittsburgh, baby. seared outside, raw, in.
Re: the midget of humiliation by Bill Z Bub	18-Aug-03/12:06 PM
put it asll together, tighter. again, get rid of the extra baggage. say what you mean, and less.
Re: hermetic by Bill Z Bub	18-Aug-03/12:06 PM
no. not a buuterfly. god no.
Re: Incomplete by Hostileintent	18-Aug-03/12:45 PM
L3: conflict in personification: that/who L14: "And precarious fob eachother off as," makes no sense--punctuation might help, or redefine your meaning L16: what does "the" leviathan have to do with anything? and since when is there only one? if this were a vocab assignment, you would get 50%. but i am not trying to be mean. just askking you to think to the best of your ability. it seems you are throwing up veils for the sake of the unlearned. set a tone and keep it. if you would be abstruse, be so throughout. have an even temper, sirrah. you strive to impress, methinks. instead, perhaps, you might strive to enlighten, or better yet, communicate. no vote yet.
Re: Memory by Hostileintent	18-Aug-03/1:00 PM
hostile, you start off well enough, with a clip-cloppity rhythm and rhyme--but then somebody hobbled your horse. also, can you show me a fresh treatment of this theme? no vote yet.
Re: Small Teeth in a Glass Bowl by Fear of Garbage	18-Aug-03/5:52 PM
flesh without corpulence, sinewless muscle, afloat despite the lack of gravity: chatter, pearls, chatter. brava!
Re: Street Talkers (Amnesiac) by Fear of Garbage	18-Aug-03/5:54 PM
sometimes i forget you are 16. sometimes, this world you speak of walks over to me. invites me. envelopes me. but then i remember: i am copper. or was it gold?
regarding some deleted poem...	18-Aug-03/6:43 PM
may i suggest some ideas to help shape this more to your ends? macro-cosmic trinitron--light pollution remote: an inconstant red dwarf sighted from your observatory, your bed/sofa expanding universe/binary stars and so on so the the analogy is more clearly drawn between astronomy and computer electronics.
Re: Too Nearly Remembered by AtalantaPendragonne	18-Aug-03/6:46 PM
nice job. the word "nearly" in the title bothers me, though.
Re: Forget I Asked by AtalantaPendragonne	18-Aug-03/6:47 PM
this need more meet (pun intended)
regarding some deleted poem...	18-Aug-03/7:20 PM
what is the wrong question?
regarding some deleted poem...	19-Aug-03/11:19 AM
niiice.
Re: The Grave (thanks to z) by Mr Pig	19-Aug-03/2:34 PM
[you speak of her in both second and 3rd person--in this edit, I made it all 2nd, as she is so very near, still.] witness, the z edit: Salt falls on veneer Veiled in pauper’s wood, The clock-watching chaplain sweats As I refuse to leave you. Staring at your headstone, Looking at its immortalized syntax Chosen at random by your rushed mother Who coped when I faltered. It’s quiet here, and fragrant colors are riot near. At least you’re under the willow You liked the thought of it weeping above you And all I can say, in predictable cliche, Is, God, how much I love you. I stare at the topaz clouds, damasking heavens constant eye, Wondering as I'm watching you If you are watching I. For now, I want to believe-- People always do, when they grieve. Your epitaph, emblazoned in appropriate Catholicism: Words describing an everyman. It doesn’t matter to me, For you are inscribed on my soul.
Re: To My Love by sliver	19-Aug-03/9:13 PM
walt whipman, eh? http://www.dorkedom.com/ds2000/authors.html
regarding some deleted poem...	20-Aug-03/7:57 AM
why the spacing, simon?