| Re: Moments (or) Suicide by Dovina |
8-Apr-05/12:21 PM |
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Last stanza, 2nd to last line, "as" seems like unneeded filler. Same with S2 L1. Last few lines seem a little convoluted. I get your meaning, but... there has got to be a better way of getting your point across.
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| Re: Middle-Aged White Woman by Dovina |
8-Apr-05/12:08 PM |
I hate the words "My ancestors did it to your ancestors", but thats just because I don't agree with the whole "sins of the father, sins of his children" idea either. Excellent close.
<3 Jason
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| Re: Alive by emilyowey |
8-Apr-05/12:01 PM |
Try not using the same word twice, much less beginning all of your sentences with "Like, Than, There, Mpre, And, Out", not only does it sound forced, It does nothing for your originality and makes your piece rather bland.
<3 Jason
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| Re: ceiling by not_a_philosopher |
8-Apr-05/3:00 AM |
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The last two lines, start off okay(timing wise, writing wise they are a horrid trainwreck), but notice. In the other two pairs of lines, (and;in). Filler words, to spread your timing out better.
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| Re: Hard Rock by Dovina |
8-Apr-05/2:51 AM |
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Good title. Not what I was expecting, but good none the less.
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| Re: Mixed Messages by Miggy |
8-Apr-05/2:47 AM |
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| Re: Mixtapes (or We Always End Where We Began) by philn |
7-Apr-05/1:24 AM |
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The 1st stanza after side b, sucked. Other than that, I can't really place what I don't like about it. -6-
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| Re: Listless Nights by blindwriter |
4-Apr-05/12:15 AM |
I honestly have no idea what you are trying to say. Striking Visuals, but special effects should merely be highlights, not a movie in and of itself. -8- for stunning images.
<3 Jason
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| Re: a comment on Road to Recovery by thepinkbunnyofdoom |
3-Apr-05/11:50 PM |
What can I say other than I've improved alot in since high school(When this was written).
<3 Jason
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| Re: a comment on Vietnam by the_poetess |
3-Apr-05/9:40 PM |
lol, I had a sneaking suspicion that you were a couple of the My_Name_Looks_Like_This_Girls.
When writing about books, I recommend classics(More chance of the subject matter having been read by your reader). As is, it looks quite unique(a modern feat), but reads like the mutterings of a very senile asian woman having an acid flashback. Which I'm sure others might enjoy, but I just didn't like much.
<3 Jason
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| Re: Poem on a face by INTRANSIT |
3-Apr-05/7:05 PM |
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| Re: that woman by i_am_the_popsicle |
3-Apr-05/7:02 PM |
"what will she do"
Other than that. Not Bad. -7-
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| Re: A Taste of Rose by Richard |
3-Apr-05/7:01 PM |
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Roses are done to death, but this is well written. -8-
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| Re: Vietnam by the_poetess |
3-Apr-05/6:58 PM |
Vietnam and Fairies? Are you mad? -4-
Stick with the things within your sphere of knowledge and ability, until your better practiced in both. This looks like a failed attempt to explain your thoughts and feeling over something, you don't know enough about, in a form, you don't know enough about.
<3 Jason
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| Re: Cold Feet by gregsamsa222 |
3-Apr-05/6:38 PM |
Line 3, some ....'s after just would probably make it work better(I didn't like how 3 flows to 4 really). Do something other than end 3 on just. I like how this aside sounds like something I could imagine myself saying to one of my buddies on a car ride home. -8-
<3 Jason
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| Re: another poem to a friend by that_funny_girl |
3-Apr-05/6:27 PM |
I hope he is reading. I really do. I had the misfortune of thinking you'd have improved and this was a rewrite. If your going to write, entertain the notion that anyone can read what you write(Not just your Aim Buddy).
I'm hate giving out zeros, because I know I'm not a big fan of recieving them, but not only is this an improperly tagged pimple, you actually call it a poem(Once in the title and then once again in the body). Let me ask you, what do you think a poem is? Random line breaks and the outpouring of every thought inside your head over one subject? The closest this got to being a poem was your talk of mask and shades, but it doesn't out weigh the rest of this bulk. Not to mention its poorly done.
*The Most Cliche Advice Ever*
Don't preach about your feelings
Paint them so that others can see them
<3 Jason
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| Re: a comment on Everything by RION12 |
3-Apr-05/11:01 AM |
What'd you expect? Me to turn shit into gold? My name isn't Midas.
<3 Jason
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| Re: a comment on cacoon by whispern_smoke_wisp |
3-Apr-05/10:59 AM |
Even so, look at the other My_Name_Looks_Like_This writers. This at least has one image with meaning i.e. white silk/purity. How many others of the 15 year old My_Name_Looks_Like_This writers even come close to writing something that isn't a pimple marked free verse?
<3 Jason
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| Re: The High Hunt by horus8 |
2-Apr-05/11:52 PM |
This has classic written all over it(Damn you and your invisble ink).
<3 Jason
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| Re: tumbleweed by crooked_smile |
2-Apr-05/11:46 PM |
"in the dust in my brain" please tell you you at least see the bad repetition?
I don't see how the first two lines really tie in at all. -7-
<3 Jason
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