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Cold Feet (Free verse) by gregsamsa222 I was headed to her apartment
you know
when it just
I just felt like
it was all futile, dating her
She's sweet and all
does the right things, studies and smiles
wears ironed pants and simple sweaters
and her books are always stacked on her desk
like a wedding cake
you know
large notebook then a smaller notebook
then a smaller textbook then the smallest textbook
A four-tiered monument to safety
rising up on her desk
There's nothing wrong with that
It's safe
you know
I shouldn't have taken astronomy this semester
Some people shouldn't take classes that show you
how small you are
or how small everyone else is
in the universe
I should stick to business classes
where men are gods and life's purpose is clearly defined
you know?
Up the ladder:
The Trainspotter
Down the ladder:
Pyrrhus smoked the sun
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 7.714286
Posted: April 3, 2005 12:59 PM PDT; Last modified: April 3, 2005 12:59 PM PDTWeighted score: 5.729984 Overall Rank: 1860 Comments:
[9]
richa @ 81.178.145.183
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3-Apr-05/3:48 PM
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Reply
It is not richly poetic and there are not many lines that turn me on, but it does skip along rather nicely. I do like the bit about astronomy and the repetition (not as the final line though). The narrators asides like 'there's nothing wrong with that' are cool. Not sure about the end though. To say that business makes men gods and purpose well-defined underestimates the subtleties of mans place in the world. In a word it is a little bit trite.
very strong. cute in its purposeful simplicity. well-structured. you should smooth out: "larger notebook then a smaller notebook/ then a smaller textbook then the smallest textbook." Also, "It's safe" seems unnecessary after the very clever "monument to safety" several lines before. you might try switching the order of the surrounding lines to "you know/ There's nothing wrong with that." I think that flows more smoothly. also, poets' disparaging business is rather hackneyed; what if you instead ended with "in the universe/ you know?" I think that would be a very humorous contrast and round off fulfillingly the theme of a simpleton reasoning with weighty matters and ideas.
touche. tho it's not meant to be disparaging towards business. He's still talking about this girl he's supposed to be dating, segues into a mention of his astronomy class, and decides he should stick to business school. He's scared of women--has nothing to do with business, really. English majors might say the same thing.
God knows what astronomy majors run to when they feel threatened. :-)
Line 3, some ....'s after just would probably make it work better(I didn't like how 3 flows to 4 really). Do something other than end 3 on just. I like how this aside sounds like something I could imagine myself saying to one of my buddies on a car ride home. -8-
<3 Jason
I really like this.
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