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Cold Feet (Free verse) by gregsamsa222

I was headed to her apartment you know when it just I just felt like it was all futile, dating her She's sweet and all does the right things, studies and smiles wears ironed pants and simple sweaters and her books are always stacked on her desk like a wedding cake you know large notebook then a smaller notebook then a smaller textbook then the smallest textbook A four-tiered monument to safety rising up on her desk There's nothing wrong with that It's safe you know I shouldn't have taken astronomy this semester Some people shouldn't take classes that show you how small you are or how small everyone else is in the universe I should stick to business classes where men are gods and life's purpose is clearly defined you know?

James Rykelangeli 3-Apr-05/4:42 PM
very strong. cute in its purposeful simplicity. well-structured. you should smooth out: "larger notebook then a smaller notebook/ then a smaller textbook then the smallest textbook." Also, "It's safe" seems unnecessary after the very clever "monument to safety" several lines before. you might try switching the order of the surrounding lines to "you know/ There's nothing wrong with that." I think that flows more smoothly. also, poets' disparaging business is rather hackneyed; what if you instead ended with "in the universe/ you know?" I think that would be a very humorous contrast and round off fulfillingly the theme of a simpleton reasoning with weighty matters and ideas.




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