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Listless Nights (Other) by blindwriter Beneath expanses plaited through the sky
A silence curdles darkness gone awry
A blanket whistles twists and curls
Behind a mural of sulfur pearls
The silence catches fire
A notion billows higher
Salty air descends upon the coal-ringed port
Black riders hurdle comets through the air for sport
Gripped without suspense a million eyes
Watchful, even as the starlight dies
Passed over the hand
That turned out the land
The pounding of a gallop over night-devoured grass
The resonance that turns the earth with shards of glass
Turn back the clock recount your sacred seconds
The hour strikes as midnight beckons
The eerie ails endless
Friend falls friendless
Faint sounds meander helplessly, lost and never found
A glimmer of light expands and is struck again to the ground
Without these promised memories, a half-dead sun will die
Beneath expanses plaited through a pearly, silent sky
A stolen remorse severed
A bleeding sky remembered.
Up the ladder:
Stella 130
Down the ladder:
Suicide.....
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 5.8
Posted: April 3, 2005 11:02 PM PDT; Last modified: April 3, 2005 11:02 PM PDTWeighted score: 5.095362 Overall Rank: 6132 Comments:
[3]
James Rykelangeli @ 169.229.90.109
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3-Apr-05/11:37 PM
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Reply
your poetic style (I speak after reviewing your other poems as well) is so turbid that it's impossible for the reader to determine what you're trying to say. i attribute your difficulties communicating clearly to your overriding preference for wording (for which you seem to have talent.) but that talent is completely wasted when it's used improperly, as it is here. you must concentrate -- ferociously -- on clarity and structure. as an exercise, write several rudimentary poems disregarding wording altogether and only work on what you're trying to communicate: what scene, what sentiments? in combating a turbid style, avoid grandiose subject matter and generalities. fix your poetry upon something concrete with which you are familiar, and let it be the medium by which you work. after you've written your rudimentary poems, try reintroducing the wording, but never throw in pretty words for their sake alone: each word must be carefully selected in terms of poetic effect and, once again, clarity. then your talent for wording will be tied together with a strong structure. i wish you the best.
I honestly have no idea what you are trying to say. Striking Visuals, but special effects should merely be highlights, not a movie in and of itself. -8- for stunning images.
<3 Jason
Thanks.
I have been trying to attain a certain level of abstract and visonarianism...but I don't seem to be able to manage. Probably not super enough to attempt the impossible. You're right about turbid. Will take your advice and try something a little simpler and easier to grasp. As for this poem, it was an experiment with a general tone, there really is no meaning...a slight parallel maybe...but no beginning or end.
I love it. . .it's like I can see the picture you painted with the poem in my mind
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