regarding some deleted poem...	4-Oct-05/11:45 AM
The ending is weak, there is no need to wrap things up so completely and simply. Up until 'If any one knows what love is/That doesn’t involve Religion,' I thought pretty engaging. 'There is a truth about love' is very close to 'tell me the truth about love' a poem by wh auden. You may know this however.
Re: A Barefoot Day in the Park by Dovina	4-Oct-05/11:49 AM
Nice build up. The ending is a bit rushed. Try and work the poem to its natural conclusion through image rather than 'explaining the plot'
Re: The nymph steals the farm-son by <~>	11-Oct-05/7:44 AM
The lathe of fact indeed. :(
Re: The Gospel According to Zodiac by Dovina	31-Oct-05/3:52 AM
Not sure about the relevance of verse three. Otherwise cool.
regarding some deleted poem...	31-Oct-05/3:56 AM
Cool. The only problem I see is the line break and the bread/goes fast. It would work better imo as one line and then another line (a simile to describe the bread going fast perhaps) before the final couplet.
regarding some deleted poem...	3-Nov-05/3:34 PM
There are few concrete anchors. Those that there are resemble nothing that your readers can hold on to. A house built on bones, multitudes form clay, melting flesh. There are inversions here for no apparently good reason e.g. Shall not the body, Shall not I. The poem on the page is very difficult to follow. It looks a mess. Parentheses, why?
Re: To The Modern Black Standard by ALChemy	7-Nov-05/2:44 PM
Oh, you are upset because I deleted a comment. I just thought you were a rambling idiot. :(
Re: To The Modern Black Standard by ALChemy	8-Nov-05/12:05 AM
I find it interesting that when people use the written word to say bad things about black people they call it irony if they don't really mean it. I would have thought using socially unacceptable words and thoughts gives the writer a kick, a reactance against censorship. That is not really irony.
Re: I LOVE A PROSTITUTE by Bhaskaryya	8-Nov-05/4:12 AM
Well written. Get rid of the inversion (I shall hesitate not etc) and the I'e whatever that means and the whom. You are quite the precocious talent.
Re: not to settle for less than almost obliteration by ay deee	15-Nov-05/2:28 PM
If you give the instance you should not have to state the theme, it should be obvious. Pushing too hard is not the best word choice to describe letting a fire get out of control. Put 'it' back together; the only 'it' in this poem is the fire. Strong glue to fix something that is burnt is unapt. I like the rest of it though. It has a decent spine.
Re: I, Ann Boleyn by http://mulberryfairy	10-Jan-06/3:45 AM
Ace. You don't have to mention the conception of an heir bit, that is implicit in the whole Henry VIII and Anne boleyn simile. I don't think the repetition of callused works either. If the man works trucks let the reader work out where the calluses come from.
Re: Uncontrolled scribblings one luch break by Nicholas Jones	10-Jan-06/3:50 AM
When will the images come/And where will (they) come from. A damp day confounds the season(s) Or so my colleague(s) say; Or so my colleague says; The whole See such vulgar people as footballers./ Or so my colleague say;/I can’t recognise the overpaid fuckers. I quite cack handed. Sorry if that was fallacious/and I was pathetic. is a play on pathetic fallacy but why is fallacious the correct word for this poem.
Re: Flicking by INTRANSIT	10-Jan-06/4:03 AM
Third stanza would replace 'all the while keeping my eyes fixed' with 'my eyes fixed'. Might shift up and roll on a bit. Otherwise you have 4 words to 4 lines.
Re: The nymph steals the farm-son by <~>	12-Jan-06/1:49 PM
This is a terrible liberty. :(
Re: Sky All Around Me (goddess edit) by ecargo	12-Jan-06/2:03 PM
This has good parts that don't seem to hang together. The first four lines are very engaging. I would miss out fixing your focus (or put it later) let the lyricism of lines 6/7 come out 'they are' breaks up the flow. Something like 'in the high hedge/ brown like the ground/ and gray like' would be better imo. The second and third verses seem disconnected from the question put to 'the assassin in the grass. The last verse is weak compared to the rest, the sentiment is a bit cliche-ey.
Re: Flow by zodiac	12-Jan-06/2:10 PM
Cool. Is memory entirely necessary. There is another poem that is quite famous that ends on an abrupt fat portentious: Memory. It goes something like watching the ink from my pen on paper, ah memory. Alright I've forgotten where I heard it but it does.
Re: cat by Dental Panic	12-Jan-06/2:26 PM
I agree with biteme. The second and third verses do not follow on from the principle set out in the first verse very precisely. The first verse is good though. The line breaks are a bit random.
Re: Racism 2 by Dovina	16-Jan-06/3:14 PM
I gather this poem is about a white person who goes to a black inner-city and buys a greasy hot dog and liquor store stuff and is treated well by the black people. The black people would like when they visit the middle-class white person's town to be treated the same way but they are not. It is just not a very realistic scenario.
Re: A Haiku by amanda_dcosta	16-Jan-06/3:18 PM
This is a meta-ku if anything.
regarding some deleted poem...	19-Jan-06/1:52 PM
This is my favourite of your recent poems. The imagery is natural and therefore ancient but having the narrator talk to a someone gives it a voice. I think that is what it is.