poemranker ::A Barefoot Day in the Park by Dovina

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Free verse № 131419

A Barefoot Day in the Park

by Dovina

Member since 2004 · Posted 28 Sep 2005 · 13 comments

I’ve decided to sit and wait nothing more to do My feet can take root wet earth between my toes like a girl again moss growing over my hands leaves from my fingers Maybe a child will climb me that boy throwing pebbles onto an empty fountain too much wisdom for his age feeling misplaced not made for this world I wanted to say to him: If not you, who?

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mean 7.33 weighted 6.17 rank 1035 views 299 View voting details →

9 votes so far. Yours would make 10.9 votes so far

A favorite of impert&ent.

13 comments

[n/a] ALChemy 28-Sep-05/3:45 PM Reply
Good except "leaves from my fingers" seems to have no metaphoric or symbolic reason and is not based in reality either. Maybe something more like "leaves in my hair".
The title reminds me of that Redford and Fonda movie.
[n/a] Dovina › ALChemy 28-Sep-05/3:47 PM Reply
My fingers are like the small branches from limbs (my arms) and from which leaves grow, at least that's the image I wanted.
[n/a] ALChemy › Dovina 29-Sep-05/8:33 AM Reply
I saw the tree reference but shouldn't you be standing not sitting? Wouldn't moss more likely grow on your limbs than your hands? At first it seems like the tree is a metaphor for how long you waited there but then it starts to imply an actual transformation into the tree which would be really cool but you'd need to say "My feet took root" and "moss grew over my hands" To bring out the actualness of it. If you go the symbolic route then the moss and the rooted feet have both symbolic and tree meanings (Like a tree I'm rooted here. I must have waited long if moss is growing on me) but leaves growing out of your fingers is too impossible to carry the double meaning so it must indicate an actual or perceived transformation by the narrator.

Even so I really liked the poem and it's images.
[n/a] Dovina › ALChemy 30-Sep-05/6:39 AM Reply
You expect too much from one with the brain of a tree. Glad to hear the is not the pits. I know it lacks glitz. But at least it has tits, which has commonly been ascribed to the female way of expression. Thanks for the input.
[7] Prince of Void 28-Sep-05/10:30 PM Reply
yeah i feel it ...u are right feeling misplaced not made for this world ...the grieving beauty of ur poem made me ocean of emotion cant be rest
[8] Caducus 29-Sep-05/9:05 AM Reply
You always grab my attention 2nd stanza opening 4 is very good. The ending seems laclustre but then i am over dramatic.
[n/a] Dovina › Caducus 30-Sep-05/6:41 AM Reply
The lacluster ending is regret, which is almost always without luster. Grabbing attention is my primary goal. thanks.
[8] wilco 29-Sep-05/9:40 PM Reply
too much wisdom for his age...mmmhhmmmm....it's like they're just popping out knowing everything these days.

I like the first half of both stanzas but i think the end could use a little tweak.
[n/a] Dovina › wilco 30-Sep-05/6:44 AM Reply
The end has a tweak, and his name is Jerry. Just a memory, but with a lot more sense than I gave him credit for back then.
[10] Bethy 3-Oct-05/12:47 PM Reply
I really like this one Dovina...
[n/a] Dovina › Bethy 4-Oct-05/4:12 PM Reply
Thnaks, B.
[8] richa 4-Oct-05/11:49 AM Reply
Nice build up.

The ending is a bit rushed.

Try and work the poem to its natural conclusion through image rather than 'explaining the plot'
[n/a] Dovina › richa 4-Oct-05/4:13 PM Reply
Does it have a plot? I must have missed it.