| Re: How it should have happened by INTRANSIT |
29-Jul-03/8:56 AM |
Lots of good lines here, in fact there isn't a line that deviates from the mature style. Unfortunately I think the poem lacks a logic running through it. If there is a logic and at the end you can reveal it, it would make a very good poem
I'll give you an -8- because there is a lot to recommend this
|
|
|
 |
| Re: Long Journey by libby_28 |
29-Jul-03/8:58 AM |
a bit prosaic and cliched.
'Blood on the pavement my mind elsewhere' I like though distant and irreverent
|
|
|
|
| Re: Some die waiting, or laugh forgetting by Shardik |
29-Jul-03/9:03 AM |
'Six years passed by, and so did my fever' is such a good line but it does not fit, shame.
the ever/forever/whereever rhymes shouldn't really work. But this poem reads so well
|
|
|
|
| Re: Despair by marjan |
29-Jul-03/9:06 AM |
Kind of like the set out. You do it create pauses as the reader scans the page right?
I'm with katie when I say I can not really connect with the poem. I prefer more simple language to draw you in.
A very pretty poem, not sure where the logic is though
|
|
|
|
| Re: A Simple Emote. by thepinkbunnyofdoom |
29-Jul-03/9:08 AM |
|
Nice but does the poem have a purpose/ a meaning
|
|
|
|
| Re: Infection by nocturnalism |
29-Jul-03/9:11 AM |
I like the first three lines, kind of nonsense poem come dialect poem.
the fourth line upsets the rhythm though.
Nice to see a heavy metal fan not use politicised and loaded terms and build something out of simple language
|
|
|
|
| Re: After seven days in the sun by <~> |
29-Jul-03/9:13 AM |
very skillful to manage a vilanelle with the lines 'Nathalie, riding, found the boy, dead' and 'The coyote, startled, had run on ahead.'
|
|
|
|
| regarding some deleted poem... |
29-Jul-03/9:16 AM |
nice idea well executed.
Can't agree about seaweed having to have its existence permitted though
|
|
|
|
| Re: Octopussed by <{Baba^Yaga}> |
29-Jul-03/9:18 AM |
|
|
|
| Re: Gods Musician: Grave Digger by SupremeDreamer |
29-Jul-03/9:23 AM |
some nice lines, a bit schizophrenic skipping from one line to the next without reference to any central theme.
the simple rhyming is not really needed the structure is good as it is
|
|
|
|
| Re: Broken Hearted by thepinkbunnyofdooom |
29-Jul-03/9:25 AM |
|
So you are not the real PBOD, PBOD is just a kind of puppet you use. A gay puppet, you are not gay the puppet is. Right I think I get it now.
|
|
|
|
| regarding some deleted poem... |
29-Jul-03/11:30 PM |
|
Nice poetic language, seen it before though
|
|
|
|
| Re: Too obvious by INTRANSIT |
29-Jul-03/11:32 PM |
get ride of plight it looks forced
other than that a fun poem
|
|
|
|
| Re: I sat for an hour to watch a spider by Jimbo |
29-Jul-03/11:35 PM |
staring at a spider you saw a spide rin front of you, who would of thought.
Other than that well put
|
|
|
|
| Re: The Missing Love by loveisendless |
29-Jul-03/11:36 PM |
Doesn't fit together well.
It would be better without the capitalised onwards
|
|
|
|
| Re: The Longest Wait (Revised) by Caducus |
30-Jul-03/8:48 AM |
first seven and last five lines are a bit ungamely
the rest is fine
|
|
|
|
| Re: Snake Oil: A Deadication by OneFingerAnswer |
31-Jul-03/6:56 AM |
structure and flow is terrible, I can hardly read it.
Shame because I quite like the content.
|
|
|
|
| regarding some deleted poem... |
31-Jul-03/6:59 AM |
No this would be a shame to be anyones suicide note.
It seems to lack feeling
|
|
|
|
| regarding some deleted poem... |
31-Jul-03/7:01 AM |
Am i good enough repetition makes it sound like a prayer.
Interesting.......
|
|
|
|
| regarding some deleted poem... |
31-Jul-03/7:10 AM |
first six lines are rather nice
'i know we are not in elementary school anymore' just sounds a bit pervy to me though
nice to put a guitar in the poem
meteors and shooting stars less so
|
|
|
|
