DetailsThe poem, its numbers, and the conversation.

How it should have happened

Member since 2002 · Posted 29 Jul 2003 · 7 comments

I walk into a room full with the sweet smell of perversion Cheshire grins surround me and I'm led into velour seclusion almost. Pinkie signs to obligatory armless fashion opposite a coy body cornered Shy words escape excited lungs answered with inhaled thoughts and exhaled ideas while eyes follow the ceiling floating down and resting on my underdeveloped chin. The delay has been extinguished silent silk strides in a slow attack and perches capable in her denim saddle picking and plucking at my shirt looking for fresh answers with intentional descent ending with excited discovery dampness looms she fits to me easy deliberate oil derrick motion destined for destruction...... (to be continued when I figure out how)

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mean 5.43 weighted 5.12 rank 5990 views 242 View voting details →

7 votes so far. Yours would make 8.7 votes so far

7 comments

[n/a] <~> 29-Jul-03/8:29 AM Reply

save the last stanza. cut the rest. the last is the only one where you say what you really mean. maybe the problem is that you don't want to be honest with yourself in your poetry. maybe that is why you always abstract the meaning, hiding it in your own personal labyrinth.

[8] richa 29-Jul-03/8:56 AM Reply

Lots of good lines here, in fact there isn't a line that deviates from the mature style. Unfortunately I think the poem lacks a logic running through it. If there is a logic and at the end you can reveal it, it would make a very good poem

I'll give you an -8- because there is a lot to recommend this

[8] Shardik 29-Jul-03/9:09 AM Reply

Lap dance at Cheetahs'

[9] Bill Z Bub 29-Jul-03/7:51 PM Reply

velour seclusion
coy body cornered
denim saddle
she fits to me easy
...9

[4] poetandknowit 30-Jul-03/3:24 PM Reply

Good god man put down the Playboy and step away from the thesaurus. What kind of poet are you? These images sound more like the work of a high school boy forlorn and lost in puppy love rather than a poem of sexual power. And what the hell kind of image of sex are you trying to portray with the corny oil derrick image. Mechanical, monotonous, boring. Yeah, that will get the women rocking and rolling. Dial down the center my man and maybe find the real poem in here. Until then keep on keepin' on. Moreover, I wanted to ask you: I read a book where clan members and right wing conspiracy theorists used that fancy phrase you taught me. Is that the crowd you hang out with?

[n/a] INTRANSIT › poetandknowit 30-Jul-03/6:19 PM Reply

If you are referring to the "keep on keepin' on" phrase, No. I don't hang with any particular "crowd". Yes I'm aware that this sucks. It's my first formal attempt at sex poetry and went horribly limp. to say the least. I should just stay away from this topic poetically . Thanks for your time.

[5] nentwined 19-Apr-04/10:39 PM Reply

interesting. I don't think you've caught me with your flow, but I don't have any suggestions.