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How it should have happened (Free verse) by INTRANSIT I walk into a room
full
with the sweet smell of perversion
Cheshire grins surround me
and I'm led
into velour seclusion
almost.
Pinkie signs
to obligatory armless fashion
opposite a coy body cornered
Shy words escape excited lungs
answered with
inhaled thoughts
and exhaled ideas
while eyes follow the ceiling
floating down and resting
on my underdeveloped chin.
The delay has been extinguished
silent silk strides in a slow attack
and perches capable
in her denim saddle
picking and plucking at my shirt
looking for fresh answers
with intentional descent
ending with excited discovery
dampness looms
she fits to me easy
deliberate oil derrick motion
destined for destruction......
(to be continued when I figure out how)
Up the ladder:
S c r e a m
Down the ladder:
Perfection
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 5.428571
Posted: July 29, 2003 7:11 AM PDT; Last modified: July 29, 2003 7:11 AM PDTWeighted score: 5.1152606 Overall Rank: 5993 Comments:
[n/a]
<~> @ 167.206.181.179
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29-Jul-03/8:29 AM
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Reply
save the last stanza. cut the rest. the last is the only one where you say what you really mean. maybe the problem is that you don't want to be honest with yourself in your poetry. maybe that is why you always abstract the meaning, hiding it in your own personal labyrinth.
Lots of good lines here, in fact there isn't a line that deviates from the mature style. Unfortunately I think the poem lacks a logic running through it. If there is a logic and at the end you can reveal it, it would make a very good poem
I'll give you an -8- because there is a lot to recommend this
Lap dance at Cheetahs'
velour seclusion
coy body cornered denim saddle she fits to me easy ...9
Good god man put down the Playboy and step away from the thesaurus. What kind of poet are you? These images sound more like the work of a high school boy forlorn and lost in puppy love rather than a poem of sexual power. And what the hell kind of image of sex are you trying to portray with the corny oil derrick image. Mechanical, monotonous, boring. Yeah, that will get the women rocking and rolling. Dial down the center my man and maybe find the real poem in here. Until then keep on keepin' on. Moreover, I wanted to ask you: I read a book where clan members and right wing conspiracy theorists used that fancy phrase you taught me. Is that the crowd you hang out with?
If you are referring to the "keep on keepin' on" phrase, No. I don't hang with any particular "crowd". Yes I'm aware that this sucks. It's my first formal attempt at sex poetry and went horribly limp. to say the least. I should just stay away from this topic poetically . Thanks for your time.
interesting. I don't think you've caught me with your flow, but I don't have any suggestions.
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