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Some die waiting, or laugh forgetting (Villanelle) by Shardik Take good care of yourself when I'm gone
Yes, I know you wished us forever
Better out with love than in with none
I'll keep this dusk, and leave you a dawn
Cause, if I don't depart now, I may never
Take good care of yourself when I'm gone
Stay a red queen as I play the blue pawn
When jealous pride was forged to sever
Better out with love than in with none
Looking back, I see you leave a light on
Six years passed by, and so did my fever
You took such care, you forgot I was gone
Your poppy itch nods & your stay lover yawn
Adapted faster than memories should ever,
But better out with love than in with none
If getting on with life's a race, you've won
I see your favourite word's still "whatever"
So take good care of yourself when I'm gone
I'm better outside your love than inside with none.
Up the ladder:
The Hand of God
Down the ladder:
Decay
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 7.0555553
Posted: July 29, 2003 3:29 AM PDT; Last modified: July 29, 2003 3:29 AM PDTWeighted score: 6.958069 Overall Rank: 145 Comments:
nice one. alittle wrinkle here and there, but i felt it.
'Six years passed by, and so did my fever' is such a good line but it does not fit, shame.
the ever/forever/whereever rhymes shouldn't really work. But this poem reads so well
That depends on one's ability to enunciate.
"ever/forever/whereever rhymes shouldn't really work?" and why not? They seem to work just fine. You're right that this poem reads well though.
I like this one. The point is clear, the rthym fluid, and your personality shows through. Smart.
I wept more at this than when I got my bollocks caught in my zip.
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