poemranker ::Some die waiting, or laugh forgetting by Shardik

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Villanelle № 57970

Some die waiting, or laugh forgetting

Member since 2003 · Posted 29 Jul 2003 · 7 comments

Take good care of yourself when I'm gone Yes, I know you wished us forever Better out with love than in with none I'll keep this dusk, and leave you a dawn Cause, if I don't depart now, I may never Take good care of yourself when I'm gone Stay a red queen as I play the blue pawn When jealous pride was forged to sever Better out with love than in with none Looking back, I see you leave a light on Six years passed by, and so did my fever You took such care, you forgot I was gone Your poppy itch nods & your stay lover yawn Adapted faster than memories should ever, But better out with love than in with none If getting on with life's a race, you've won I see your favourite word's still "whatever" So take good care of yourself when I'm gone I'm better outside your love than inside with none.

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mean 7.06 weighted 6.96 rank 138 views 286 View voting details →

18 votes so far. Yours would make 19.18 votes so far

7 comments

[10] INTRANSIT 29-Jul-03/6:16 AM Reply
You and that other chick have already conquered the day.
It's only 8 a.m.
[9] <~> 29-Jul-03/7:11 AM Reply
nice one. alittle wrinkle here and there, but i felt it.
[9] richa 29-Jul-03/9:03 AM Reply
'Six years passed by, and so did my fever' is such a good line but it does not fit, shame.

the ever/forever/whereever rhymes shouldn't really work. But this poem reads so well
[10] horus8 › richa 1-Aug-03/2:17 AM Reply
That depends on one's ability to enunciate.
[9] J.B. Manning › richa 20-Aug-03/1:30 PM Reply
"ever/forever/whereever rhymes shouldn't really work?" and why not? They seem to work just fine. You're right that this poem reads well though.
[9] J.B. Manning 20-Aug-03/1:29 PM Reply
I like this one. The point is clear, the rthym fluid, and your personality shows through. Smart.
[9] Engelbert Humpalot 7-Oct-07/10:19 AM Reply
I wept more at this than when I got my bollocks caught in my zip.