| Re: far but close by KagatoSan |
21-Jul-03/6:37 AM |
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A little lacking but reads well and the final three lines closes it well
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| Re: The Path Untrodden by Terence |
21-Jul-03/6:40 AM |
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quite good, plenty of varied language and very lyrical
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
21-Jul-03/8:31 AM |
well put together, nice observations. (Like how scalding on the hot metal sends the kids attention toward the graveyard)
But is this supposed to be a scene, or are the last two verses relevant to the kid watching the mourners?
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| Re: waiting in my own way by rockinindividual |
21-Jul-03/3:08 PM |
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cute first part but you seem to try too hard to ram the point home
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| Re: Yellow Star by Mr Pig |
21-Jul-03/4:02 PM |
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varied use of language as ever, and the allusions to religeous persecution vis a vis the cutting of hair is succinctly put. So much so the nazi and jew bits are almost not needed
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| Re: Middleman by INTRANSIT |
22-Jul-03/8:11 AM |
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good, nice use of language and the poem finishes strongly
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| Re: A Dream, A Bad One by jessicazee |
22-Jul-03/8:16 AM |
Not very poetic and a bit list like.
Having said that this is not bad, afew surprises like 'cinnamon and lemons'
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
22-Jul-03/9:00 AM |
best rhyming I've seen for a while.
Keeps the humour too despite being a little angry
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| Re: A Delicate Poem by EAger to Offend |
22-Jul-03/10:53 AM |
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quite good, but poems about poems signal a lack of inspiration
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| Re: Middleman by INTRANSIT |
22-Jul-03/3:25 PM |
1) no need to repeat tells stories of twice
2) keep the line running through about dirty feet
3) and the line about fields of sage and hips
4) the rest could be altered if you find a decent image or word sequence
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| Re: Tomorrow by jude |
23-Jul-03/12:43 PM |
part and heart / fade and remain are always rhymed together. There is nothing remotely new here.
the way the poem swings at the end with altered rhyme is quite nice though
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
23-Jul-03/12:45 PM |
'The earth is wisely dumb.
A poor deaf girl, dancing amongst ruins.' is excellent
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| Re: A Fine Day To Exit by OnTheOtherHand |
24-Jul-03/11:58 AM |
I like 'apathy beats suicide/doesn't make it brave'
not sure I agree with ' no point in dying/if you won't be missed' though
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
24-Jul-03/12:03 PM |
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Too true, still EMI rejected the sex pistols and Decca the beatles
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
24-Jul-03/12:06 PM |
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Mulberry fair(y) I guess was the inspiration. I have seen this type of thing done before and this one is not at all bad
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
24-Jul-03/12:07 PM |
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
24-Jul-03/12:10 PM |
abnormal, retarded verses
of one whole incomplete point... amused me, could stand as a poem in itself
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| Re: Read this by Southern_Bell |
24-Jul-03/11:40 PM |
If you are going to use the same rhyme sound for every line you should probably not repeat words night and sight. The words are a bit simple too.
Check out 'I am the gayest' i think by Dark angel for an example of this form (in best list)
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| Re: The Frey by Southern_Bell |
24-Jul-03/11:42 PM |
quite sweet, I like the flow
some of the rhymes seem a bit forced though
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| Re: Us by sk8rs_rule_all |
28-Jul-03/12:36 PM |
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not a haiku, last line was funny though
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