DetailsThe poem, its numbers, and the conversation.

Middleman

Member since 2002 · Posted 22 Jul 2003 · Edited 28 Jul 2003 · 12 comments

I want her. She with her dirty feet that tell stories of america and vast uninhabited fields of sage, and hips ever greening And they roll and undulate to the whispered breeze under blue skies I cannot allow this this potential this disaster in triplicate I already have dirty feet I'm already trampling these fields with my own.

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6 votes so far. Yours would make 7.6 votes so far

12 comments

[8] richa 22-Jul-03/8:11 AM Reply

good, nice use of language and the poem finishes strongly

[n/a] INTRANSIT › richa 22-Jul-03/2:45 PM Reply

if you can, what's not right with this? thanks.

[8] richa 22-Jul-03/3:25 PM Reply

1) no need to repeat tells stories of twice

2) keep the line running through about dirty feet

3) and the line about fields of sage and hips

4) the rest could be altered if you find a decent image or word sequence

[n/a] INTRANSIT › richa 28-Jul-03/6:46 AM Reply

Thanks, man. Not sure what you mean by #4.

[9] http://mulberryfairy 22-Jul-03/6:59 PM Reply

Reminds me of Phish at Limestone, Maine. I like the ending.

[9] ecargo 23-Jul-03/7:59 AM Reply

Wow, Intransit! Lots to like here! Love the dirty feet that tell tales of wandering; the fields of sage (connotations of purification) and the hills described as hips--love the yearning and the pained refusal to fall. Why "in triplicate?" Maybe "on my own" instead of "with my own?" Also, modifiers tend to dilute images--consider dropping "gently," "whispered," "ever blueing" (this last I'd replace with something stronger--heck, even plain old "blue" skies would work better here, I think. YMMV. ;) Terrific work.

[n/a] INTRANSIT › ecargo 28-Jul-03/6:45 AM Reply

I trimmed some fat. I had to keep "whispered" it has specific value as it is about real people. wanting what you cant have. Ihave dirty feet too. we all do.

[8] scitz 28-Jul-03/9:08 AM Reply

I'm chilled out now :-)

[10] horus8 28-Jul-03/12:07 PM Reply

Possibly your best

[n/a] <~> 30-Jul-03/6:15 AM Reply

yes i was confusing it. this one does work nicely. very clear.

[n/a] INTRANSIT › <~> 30-Jul-03/6:21 AM Reply

ok, waaaaaay too simple of an answer from you. feeling okay?

[6] nentwined 19-Apr-04/10:34 PM Reply

Interesting, but I don't really get it. :/ potential, disaster, in triplicate? middleman? ...?