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Middleman (Free verse) by INTRANSIT I want her.
She
with her dirty feet
that tell stories of
america
and vast uninhabited fields
of sage, and hips
ever greening
And they roll and undulate
to the whispered breeze
under blue skies
I cannot allow this
this potential
this disaster
in triplicate
I already have
dirty feet
I'm already trampling
these fields
with my own.
Up the ladder:
It's funny
Down the ladder:
My Single Hatred
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 6.5
Posted: July 22, 2003 5:38 AM PDT; Last modified: July 28, 2003 6:41 AM PDTWeighted score: 5.4034123 Overall Rank: 3128 Comments:
[8]
richa @ 81.86.251.195
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22-Jul-03/8:11 AM
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Reply
good, nice use of language and the poem finishes strongly
[n/a]
INTRANSIT @ 32.102.22.171
> richa
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22-Jul-03/2:45 PM
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Reply
if you can, what's not right with this? thanks.
1) no need to repeat tells stories of twice
2) keep the line running through about dirty feet 3) and the line about fields of sage and hips 4) the rest could be altered if you find a decent image or word sequence
Thanks, man. Not sure what you mean by #4.
Reminds me of Phish at Limestone, Maine. I like the ending.
Wow, Intransit! Lots to like here! Love the dirty feet that tell tales of wandering; the fields of sage (connotations of purification) and the hills described as hips--love the yearning and the pained refusal to fall. Why "in triplicate?" Maybe "on my own" instead of "with my own?" Also, modifiers tend to dilute images--consider dropping "gently," "whispered," "ever blueing" (this last I'd replace with something stronger--heck, even plain old "blue" skies would work better here, I think. YMMV. ;) Terrific work.
I trimmed some fat. I had to keep "whispered" it has specific value as it is about real people. wanting what you cant have. Ihave dirty feet too. we all do.
I'm chilled out now :-)
Possibly your best
yes i was confusing it. this one does work nicely. very clear.
ok, waaaaaay too simple of an answer from you. feeling okay?
Interesting, but I don't really get it. :/ potential, disaster, in triplicate? middleman? ...?
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