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Middleman (Free verse) by INTRANSIT

I want her. She with her dirty feet that tell stories of america and vast uninhabited fields of sage, and hips ever greening And they roll and undulate to the whispered breeze under blue skies I cannot allow this this potential this disaster in triplicate I already have dirty feet I'm already trampling these fields with my own.

ecargo 23-Jul-03/7:59 AM
Wow, Intransit! Lots to like here! Love the dirty feet that tell tales of wandering; the fields of sage (connotations of purification) and the hills described as hips--love the yearning and the pained refusal to fall. Why "in triplicate?" Maybe "on my own" instead of "with my own?" Also, modifiers tend to dilute images--consider dropping "gently," "whispered," "ever blueing" (this last I'd replace with something stronger--heck, even plain old "blue" skies would work better here, I think. YMMV. ;) Terrific work.




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