| Re: Santaâs Journal 25thDec2003 by ShaNoN+960317485 |
29-Dec-03/12:24 PM |
'Breasts of the garden uplands' - yes, clear image, interlocking spurs would be the geographical name I think.
Like the line breaks, very well crafted.
Just a thought, I guess a fun poem like this would benefit from some louder rhymes, like a roger mcgough's childrens poem.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
31-Dec-03/12:27 PM |
you will have to find some to vocalise about your
tie(s).
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| Re: Lie by Pervy Elf |
31-Dec-03/12:31 PM |
emotion is
belief
is lie.
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| Re: The Waning Spring by tuthaliash |
31-Dec-03/12:32 PM |
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very sweet, lots of heart.
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| Re: Drag me Down, Deadweight by phbiscuit |
31-Dec-03/12:36 PM |
Not sure where the walking comes from in the last line, or the cold for that matter (you said earlier the water was warmer where you were together- a rather sweet line).
Also I find such fantasies both overdone and to a certain extent melodramatic.
Other than that this is really good.
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| Re: Let's Play by jasondingus |
31-Dec-03/12:40 PM |
Kind of literate, but you may just bore your conquest to sleep with lines like :'Lift my shirt, above my head,Let it fall, beside the bed, Flesh on flesh, we shall be, I need you to, ravage me,'
It lacks a certain passion don't you think.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
31-Dec-03/12:44 PM |
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Like the first verse sounds, second verse follows on quite awkwardly and then 3 and 4. This is where the image and versatility of language is best. This is the poem at its most creative I think.
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| Re: Anvil man by INTRANSIT |
31-Dec-03/12:52 PM |
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Not sure about the you are this I am that approach. But the logic, storytelling of this piece is very well crafted. Scarcely a wasted word.
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| Re: Emotions and the night by Evening |
31-Dec-03/12:54 PM |
the night smells spicy and sweet????
Other than that a well ordered poem and a killer last line.
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| Re: I don't know why I love Def Lepard For Settle by horus8 |
31-Dec-03/2:19 PM |
'the drummer from def leopard has only one arm'?
Thats nothing, the guy who produces their records is a dog!
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| Re: O Death by lastobelus |
2-Jan-04/12:43 PM |
The parenthesesed part is pointless.
And the poem is kind of messy. Other than that very good.
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| Re: New Leaf by dragonfly |
2-Jan-04/12:47 PM |
Kind of pretty. Sight of him asleep is a bit worn though. And what has leaves got to do with anything.
Good though.
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| Re: metaphorically speaking by somemorepoetry |
2-Jan-04/12:51 PM |
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Starts and ends with a nice clear voice, but gets a bit confusing in the middle
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| Re: The Fire of My Mind by RubyDragonKnight |
2-Jan-04/12:52 PM |
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Beta-blockers better still.
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| Re: Snowboarding, Sierra Nevada, 12/31/03 by Plaidypus |
2-Jan-04/12:53 PM |
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Well written, a bit of the 'science' sounds too much like pop cosmology though.
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| Re: A stitch by EAger to Offend |
2-Jan-04/12:55 PM |
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What about the opioids that null extreme pains when the pain is no longer adaptive?
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
2-Jan-04/12:59 PM |
Rap was the first thing I thought. If you dont want it to be rap, slow it down some, use some longer lines etc.
Bloodline, is more to do with heredity than the body I think, but I applaud the rhyming of non-common usage words.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
2-Jan-04/1:49 PM |
Not going to be an arse and post this again.
Just to say the newq title is to be 'the lime walls' the other title was too political, and the poem too trite to explain a political problem.
I've deleted my comment replies too, as I was being dragged into it myself.
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| Re: The wise by richa |
2-Jan-04/1:51 PM |
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Thanks for the comments on this, I may use part of it but the poem for me developed too much into a bit of a broadside against aging and the old, which was not meant.
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| Re: Haikus for Nentwined by horus8 |
3-Jan-04/10:16 AM |
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and tis the year of the monkey
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