Re: a comment on The Clock and the Storm by cleverdevice	17-Jul-06/2:03 PM
It would be easier than re-rhyming the fucker to make it write. Trust me.
Re: a comment on To Athena by cleverdevice	17-Jul-06/2:02 PM
I've gone 2 years without knowing my uni email, so Facebook is out of the question. I might cave in to the pressure and get with it next year, but no promises. We'll fix up a proper game soon, hitch a lift with one of the lads from nearer you.
Re: Intro by MacFrantic	17-Jul-06/12:11 AM
Ha!
Re: The Clock and the Storm by cleverdevice	17-Jul-06/12:09 AM
This is good but I'd have preferred it if either it had been written freely without constraining yourself to the 4-line stanzas - something like: Daring to speak, the house groans Memories of past battles The trees in the field, brushed aside Cowed by screams of anger... ...or retain the stanzas but make it rhyme, Kipling-style. Then it would be superb, because you've got the content almost spot on. Just a few less words in places, not that I'm in a position to complain about people being wordy ;-)
Re: a comment on To Athena by cleverdevice	16-Jul-06/11:56 PM
Awesome, I'm envious of anyone soaking up the summer sun - as opposed to soaking up the UV rays of Tesco lighting. You should get in touch with some of the others though, we're footballing most weeks and your presence (not to mention that fine 'keeping) would be a marvellous addition. Are you on MySpace.com? That's as good a way as any of keeping up to date. Plus, it's going to take over the world in the future and I recommend being on the winning side...
Re: a comment on Selkie (An Antique of Lurid Partes - w/Girl on Girl Action!) by ecargo	14-Jul-06/3:13 PM
I'd accuse you of dabbling in the dark arts of double entendres, but really that was barely a single entendre...
Re: To Athena by cleverdevice	14-Jul-06/3:09 PM
DUDE! The triumphant return! How the devil are you? Last I heard you'd arrived home from someplace in India and were residing in the cold, damp North - whatever possessed you to lurch off there? And, more importantly, are you back in the vicinity of the Shire now? Typo last line: - embrace. Good to see you back
Re: I hate making titles by drnick	13-Jul-06/2:09 PM
Love it. Only crit is that the penultimate line seems a little short - I'd change it to "to answer all the/crackling calls". Other than that, super.
Re: a comment on cat by Dental Panic	13-Jul-06/2:06 PM
What if this inconsequential planet in an inconsequential galaxy is the only planet capable of sustaining life - or at least, life at the level of humans? And what if humans genuinely do have a purpose? Then this inconsequential planet becomes very consequential indeed.
Re: Two Fundamentalists Playing Cribbage by MacFrantic	13-Jul-06/1:58 PM
*falls off chair laughing*
Re: Selkie (An Antique of Lurid Partes - w/Girl on Girl Action!) by ecargo	13-Jul-06/1:57 PM
"soaring tree"..."suitor's serenade to start"..."liquid eyes and liquid grace"..."nightjade surging sea" -- you are almost certainly the sexiest person I've never seen...this puts everything I've written thus far to shame. P.S. - you didn't read my latin villanelle. It'll be your kind of thing, methinks ;-)
Re: a comment on of Arabia by ecargo	12-Jul-06/12:16 AM
I assumed it was themed around the film - but I haven't watched Lawrence of Arabia since I was about 12, and as my concentration span then was about...ooh...five minutes (in the intervening time it's incresed to six minutes and forty-seven seconds) the chance of me remembering any details other than sand and camels is zero. I still feel that 'overture' isn't quite appropriate - technically correct, yes, but even so... As for 'Sheikh', well we have to spell it that way so as to discourage terrible puns about Arabs at McDonalds and strawberry sheiks.
Re: limited knowledge, limited people by kaoriliveshere	10-Jul-06/12:43 AM
'They can me feel stupid'? Deep blue ocean is very very very cliched, see if you can be a bit more inventive there.
Re: The Lonesome Loser by Dovina	10-Jul-06/12:39 AM
Did I not just say on your last post that you get better and better? Once more I've been proved right. This loser and I would have been excellent friends ;-) 'Skipping slick certitudes'
Re: An Affair with Letters by MacFrantic	10-Jul-06/12:35 AM
Decent concept, I can't argue with it. Strong rhythm and rhyme, well constructed. But I'd agree with Dovina...putting 'God' and 'sin' together will always make it seem like you're just out to have a go at Christianity - which ultimately detracts focus from the poem. How about: Rosalina, surely Spinning from The ferris-wheel operator's Untimely sinning
Re: Joshua And Ruth by amanda_dcosta	10-Jul-06/12:25 AM
Not having children, I struggle to relate to this. And the last time I really spent any time surrounded by kids was in a pre-school while trying to research speech patterns. It was their end-of-year party, the sun was blazing down and they had been fed copious amounts of sugar. I can categorically assure you here and now that whatever hell you might be living through, it is nothing more than a little light purgatory in comparison with that day. Perhaps if 'children' were replaced with 'glam rock' or 'spaghetti westerns' it would have a more universal appeal... Nicely written though.
Re: Through a childs eyes by little_angel_maria	10-Jul-06/12:17 AM
The points already made are the fundamental improvements, but I'd also say a couple of other things. In a 'story poem' (like this one), a good way to make it less storylike and more poetic is to reduce the temporal references ('now', 'then', 'next' etc.) and just let the order in which you tell the story show the sequence of events. This will automatically trim the word limit, too. As Dovina says, don't just show us everything. Stanza 7 is unnecessary - let us work out that she's thinking of the past. Stick with the writing, it's good to see that you're enthusiastic about it and, of course, we'll always leave you a few hints here.
Re: Today could be the last day by cpill	10-Jul-06/12:09 AM
Top stuff.
Re: Orca by Dovina	10-Jul-06/12:07 AM
On the basis that I'm not going to make any crude puns based on de Fuca and whatever they're going off to do, this is tops. The only thing that I would change is 'stubby' - not because it's ineffective, but '-y' adjectives always seem a little vague to me. It's the same with '-ish'. They get the meaning across but don't really do anything for me image-wise. Anyway, that's a minor point. Your writing seems to be getting better and better with every post.
Re: of Arabia by ecargo	8-Jul-06/10:09 PM
Hey ecargo, this is a flying early-morning visit so bear with me if I make no sense here. Breakfast, tea and poemranker - what a combination. Argh, and now I'm eating my own hair. Great. Anyhoo, I love this piece (first stanza of verse II in particular). A couple of questions though: line 6 I think should read 'Sheikh' (not certain that it has to be spelled that way though). Not sure that 'overture' fits quite right with the theme of the piece - to me it carries overbearing connotations of Western culture rather than Arabic. Also, is a far ridge sharp? I'd have pictured it as less so if it's in a desert setting (heat haze and all that jazz). Well, must go. Great read, will catch you later I hope. Peace.