Re: a comment on Murder Phoenix Born (meta-villanelle) by Ranger	28-Jul-06/12:54 AM
;-)
Re: a comment on Suicide Dream by Ranger	28-Jul-06/12:54 AM
Cheers, man. I'll try and write the story over the coming weeks.
Re: a comment on Suicide Dream by Ranger	28-Jul-06/12:52 AM
I haven't read anything for ages :-( No spare time; this took me about three weeks to write, which is quite surprising because I usually get bored of anything that isn't complete after an hour and a half. I might just try the GUD - thanks for the suggestion :-)
Re: a comment on Ode to the Irish Pub by mindsigns	28-Jul-06/12:47 AM
This is a folk song. Folk songs always romanticise whatever they're talking about. That's the whole fucking point of them - to create an image of something which people don't have access to. In this case it's about national identity to people who don't live in their homeland. Criticising a folk song for not being factually accurate is like saying that Kipling didn't know what it takes to be a man. You don't need to treat triumph and disaster the same, you're just as much a man if you have seven children, never do a day's work, and get your picture printed in the Sun.
Re: Diary by Dovina	28-Jul-06/12:35 AM
Neat idea, needs a bit of editing in my opinion. 'Their existence/Intertwined with mine' is a little...bland, by your standards. Same with 'Time's secrets' (a bit cliched too). They don't have much of an effect. The 'tiny hard drive space' is good for the idea of each of us being small, virtually inconsequential - as I assume that's what you mean. It needs to be a little clearer though. Stanzas 2 and 3 are super, although 'Events and deeds/some never said' seems to go against the title; diaries aren't usually fictional. Use of 'verisimilitude' is either genius or madness, I have yet to decide which... 'The rest, like life unlived' was good.
Re: Wisdom by crazyknight	28-Jul-06/12:25 AM
If you're going to write about wisdom in a Japanese format, it's virtually a legal requirement that you talk about an old man with long white hair sitting by the side of a road. Seriously though, this doesn't actually describe wisdom, nor does it give a solid metaphor for it.
Re: 08:12AM Hiroshima by Caducus	28-Jul-06/12:21 AM
To get round the time problem you might think about making time leave with the plane. First stanza is good, very much in keeping with the cultural feel of the piece. Stanza two, less so. Third is clever but it takes a few reads (well, for me anyway, but I can't think at the moment so I guess that's to be expected) to tie in the stork-orphan idea with the first stanza husband-wife, mainly (I think) because to the best of my knowledge it's not a Japanese story/tradition. Other suggestion: use more Japanese words in here. They would work, but only if there are enough. As it stands, 'komono' jars with me.
Re: Slipping Outside (for a minute) by drnick	28-Jul-06/12:11 AM
Actually I thought the snowflake passage was the best in the poem. This feels very much like song material; I'd change 'dope-soaked' though, it's too obvious. Make that bit more subtle and this is super.
Re: To Talitha by amanda_dcosta	24-Jul-06/11:58 PM
Erk, sorry about going quiet on chat all of a sudden...it slowed down all of a sudden and refused to post. I think my internet in general seized up though. In response to your question, no I'm not like them. I'm a happy kind of chap with the compulsory occasional emo moments ;-)
Re: a comment on Suicide Dream by Ranger	24-Jul-06/11:36 PM
Actually that's a damn good idea. 'Snapped by your own hand' doesn't quite go with it - unless I twist it so that the narrator has split personalities and killed himself. That would be awesome fun to write. You know, you're great for getting ideas off :-D
Re: a comment on Suicide Dream by Ranger	24-Jul-06/11:23 PM
The quote was made up entirely. I may turn it into a short story, but that will have to be when I have more time. I'm not even sure if the peace lily does grow wild, but in a dream I don't suppose it matters too much. With any luck it's the juxtaposing of peace and somewhat violent death that haunts. Many thanks as always for commenting :-)
Re: Ode to the Irish Pub by mindsigns	24-Jul-06/11:11 PM
This is brilliant; reminds me of seeing Donal MacGuire live. The best memory of that night was hearing him sing of a girl and how he should 'administer a pint of Guinness to'er'. He could only have got away with it because of his accent. Oh, the Irish are cool when they're not fighting. Of course, I could probably say that about most nations. Super.
Re: A Time to Dance by Dovina	24-Jul-06/11:03 PM
Powerful, in a peacefully reflective way. Have you put this to music yet? If you have/are planning to, it could do with a chorus - but I can almost hear it played to the tune of a slow violin, a quiet guitar and a log fire across the room. That's the best combination. One thing I'd have changed is 'Selfishness'. It's not a word I'm hugely fond of; would have used 'certainties' or 'guarantees' instead (to go along with the technology - very engineered, robotic, soulless. Other than that, I really enjoyed this :-)
Re: a comment on To Talitha by amanda_dcosta	23-Jul-06/1:27 PM
Well the thing is that capitalising 'His' really tells us who you're talking about. If you just want this to go to a Christian audience, that's fine. But if you want it to have wider appeal you'll need to remove the out-and-out references so someone with different beliefs can still apply it. It is, of course, your call.
Re: Trash by drnick	23-Jul-06/1:18 PM
This is awesome. I love the loose rhymes; rhythm was a little swift for me but it still worked well enough. Just altogether really, really good to read. Glad you're writing again!
Re: Untitled (a draft) by rnuk	22-Jul-06/1:02 AM
This is a really neat concept but it needs to be in prose format, I think. At least the first four stanzas do. You could get away with making this half poetry, half prose. That would also free you a little more to use your more conversational style. I read it like a story instead of as a poem and it worked well. The ending is particularly good :-) Typo - 'penultimate'
Re: To Talitha by amanda_dcosta	20-Jul-06/1:28 PM
This has a good and worthy message within. I would change the last line to something more subtle. The whole poem is very direct; end it slightly less so. Also, the ending is sort of open - not quite a question, but wondering who it is that holds your life. Don't give us the answer so overtly. I'm happy to say that I got this message long ago and have lived it ever since :-) On that note I'm going to catch up with Niphredil; you'll be happy to know she's still alive, despite everything going on in the Med.
Re: Contractual Paradox of the Old by Dovina	20-Jul-06/1:22 PM
Yet again you've raised the standard of your writing even further. The only thing I'm uncertain of here is the colon after 'but'. Nothing else to say.
Re: Mind Over Madness by drnick	20-Jul-06/1:19 PM
Good lines. I'm not yet certain which way your attitudes towards it are going, but I'll keep reading and work it out.
Re: Get Over It by drnick	17-Jul-06/2:22 PM
One of the best I've read for months. Catchy, great rhyming, and an excellent punch at the end. Favourited.