on WITH GOD , NOT THEM (1) by stevopoet
11 Oct 2006, 1:49 AM
You've got some good ideas in here, but it could do with the rhythm tightening up and some of the lines paring down. 'Thousands nursing fats of them in charge' doesn't make sense to me. Good ending, it brings it back to the opeining quote nicely.
replying on Poem from a gurney by INTRANSIT
10 Oct 2006, 12:58 PM
Jesus juice? Brilliant! Write that in with the phlebotomist and you could confuse me in one fell swoop. I hate needles though, so I'll keep my distance.
I couldn't figure out who the 'miserables' are, the inevitable drawing towards Les Miserables distracted me a little. But than, my attention span is nearly in negative numbers.
I couldn't figure out who the 'miserables' are, the inevitable drawing towards Les Miserables distracted me a little. But than, my attention span is nearly in negative numbers.
on Dead Inside by drnick
10 Oct 2006, 12:28 PM
Flows well, and you control it nicely. With a title like this it could easily have gone into a quasi-emo self-pitying mire, but I like the way you've dealt with the content. I can't really think of much else to say that'll be any use, I'm a bit useless at the moment. Struggling to write, myself, right now.
No blog entries recently?
No blog entries recently?
on Poem from a gurney by INTRANSIT
10 Oct 2006, 12:23 PM
Nice, the wine/blood analogy isn't the most original but you work it well. Is Mary the recipient or a nurse (matron)?
Could get rid of some of 'the' in a couple of places perhaps, I don't think it'll interfere with the rhythm.
What do you mean by 'dear miserables'? Is it to people who've managed to guilt-trip you into donating, or am I missing something?
'My wholeness goes where needed' is lovely :-)
Could get rid of some of 'the' in a couple of places perhaps, I don't think it'll interfere with the rhythm.
What do you mean by 'dear miserables'? Is it to people who've managed to guilt-trip you into donating, or am I missing something?
'My wholeness goes where needed' is lovely :-)
on Islands by helenwales
10 Oct 2006, 2:16 AM
Figure out a fix for the stresses and the rhythm, and this could work.
replying on A Scientist’s Prayer by Dovina
10 Oct 2006, 2:10 AM
Curios works fine as it is (http://dictionary.reference.com/search?
I don't know where ALChemy is. Probably chasing his Muse, or maybe just working too hard at night.
I don't know where ALChemy is. Probably chasing his Muse, or maybe just working too hard at night.
on weather poem part 2: to do list by nypoet22
10 Oct 2006, 2:05 AM
Amusing list, as a standalone it probably doesn't make for a great deal but with the whole collection I can see this working. Are you intending on publishing them in the near future, or further expanding, or neither?
replying on A Scientist’s Prayer by Dovina
9 Oct 2006, 2:22 AM
I still don't get what you mean - are you using 'undue' as a verb? Sorry for being dim, I'm not on top form at the moment.
replying on love by *.*ReAdY To SnAp.*.
8 Oct 2006, 1:48 AM
I beg to differ.
(Oh how emo of me...)
(Oh how emo of me...)
on Wanking In The Bucket by Edna Sweetlove
8 Oct 2006, 1:42 AM
The title is ace!
on A Scientist’s Prayer by Dovina
8 Oct 2006, 1:41 AM
'Let anger undue pretense' is off-rhythm, and I'm not sure it actually scans. There are some good lines in here ('ruling dullards with the ax' made me smile) and the first two stanzas had a nice loose rhyme scheme, but it was missing after that. I'll always say that devotional poems are incredibly difficult to write without being too personal or uninteresting. Just the very nature of them, I guess.
replying on Peter by Wakeboarder20
8 Oct 2006, 1:37 AM
No, it's a case of the pot desperately seeking attention by trying to be funny, and failing at both. I hate it when crockery doesn't shut up. Especially when I'm dying for a cup of tea.
on All I Can Hear Is A Rattle by colbaby
7 Oct 2006, 3:19 AM
Needs work on the flow, but amusing.
on weather poem part 3: the hurricane (renga) by nypoet22
7 Oct 2006, 3:17 AM
Wow. This is really, really good. I don't know the idea behind the form, but I assume the repetitions are part of the structure? Even if not, they work well. Some awesome language (hurricaned street, mouth jacked open) although I've got to admit that a few words here and there didn't appeal to me (munching, mangled, and a few others) purely because I'm a bit of a snob poetically and like lots and lots of eloquent language ;-) In all honesty though, I'm going to have to come back and read this several times to take it all in (as should be the case with all good poetry). There are thirty-something haikus in here, and if done well that should make this poem (while not actually *that* long in comparison with much poetry) mind-blowingly full of images, ideas and hidden nuances that require slow reading to find. And on first sight, this IS mind-blowing.
on love by *.*ReAdY To SnAp.*.
6 Oct 2006, 3:48 AM
Indeed.
Ever considered an alternative? Train-spotting? Charity? Perudo? None of them will actually be any good, but at least you can describe them.
Ever considered an alternative? Train-spotting? Charity? Perudo? None of them will actually be any good, but at least you can describe them.
on OK, I apologize - it's steaming shite and no mistake, but it was the best I could come up with on the spur of the moment. I'm off to slit my wrists now, since writer's block has sent me spiralling into the depths of the deepest depression in human history... by Yardbird
6 Oct 2006, 12:18 AM
This is in the running for the awarde of 'Finest Title Of Ever'.
on A Night out With Chaucer by cleverdevice
6 Oct 2006, 12:13 AM
(Except Dick Emeree is not yett borne
So comparison maye nott be drawne)
Glorious
But still the veggie stoode forelorn
For wantinge of an juicy prawne
So comparison maye nott be drawne)
Glorious
But still the veggie stoode forelorn
For wantinge of an juicy prawne
on The Air That Escapes His Lungs. by cleverdevice
6 Oct 2006, 12:07 AM
I read it as more a war poem than simply a dying breath one. The second line in the last stanza is offbeat but the rest is rather brilliant.