Re: a comment on Weather Poem part 4: Cleaning Day by nypoet22	4-Oct-06/3:52 PM
I prefer that part of the edit. Not sure whether I like the rest as much as the original though. I really thought the idea of her scouting her next boyfriend from your bed was a great passage.
Re: Weather Poem part 4: Cleaning Day by nypoet22	3-Oct-06/2:15 AM
Neat, very astute too. A bit awkward at 'that lemon was loaded' - Led Zeppelin connotations there take it in a different direction to what I think you mean. I doubt many other people will see it in the same way though.
Re: a comment on Street Preacher by Dovina	2-Oct-06/2:08 PM
I look like a half-starved urchin in dire need of a haircut - or, failing that, a flamethrower. They only prey on me because nobody in a suit is going to give them anything. I hope this gospel is not one of the ones written after Jesus' death, otherwise his take on it may be tricky to know. Haven't we had the God-evil discussion before? I know I've talked with ALChemy and Amanda about it at some point.
Re: a comment on Street Preacher by Dovina	2-Oct-06/1:52 PM
Probably. I rarely come into contact with the street preachers. We occasionally have some Zionists in town, and there used to be a Muslim bloke who'd stand on one of the benches and yell at us. Problem was, nobody could figure out a damn word he was saying. I've become pretty adept at avoiding hustlers in the street though; a necessary precaution as there are always people trying to sign me up to the various charities. I don't have any money, why don't they understand?
Re: Street Preacher by Dovina	2-Oct-06/1:37 PM
It felt like prose up until stanza 5, then it morphed into rap, and the last stanza was different again. I don't really know what else to think of this, it didn't do much for me I'm afraid.
Re: a comment on Peter by Wakeboarder20	2-Oct-06/1:31 PM
It's better this way - more consistent and scans better. I think this is one which you will find evolves, and as it does, you will work out what you want it to say - or if you know what you want it to say, you'll work out how you want it to say it. I'll read through the edits of this, hopefully some others will give their views on where you're going. Recommendation - alter one of the 'throughs' in the first stanza, the repetition doesn't work there, I don't think.
Re: a comment on A Perfectly Normal Man by Dovina	2-Oct-06/1:23 PM
Ooh, tempting...
Re: a comment on A Perfectly Normal Man by Dovina	1-Oct-06/4:33 PM
You don't have to be someone's lover to know, or at least be pretty certain, that they're capable. Personally I don't see any detachment in it - could be that mine's the 'bloke' view, I guess. If anything, it's almost coy - we get to the end expecting some sort of conclusion or making up of the mind (will she? won't she?) but once the narrator's smiled sweetly and gone we realise that we haven't been given anything at all.
Re: a comment on "Twee" by Ranger	1-Oct-06/4:27 PM
Faint heart never won fair maid, huh? ;-)
Re: Peter by Wakeboarder20	1-Oct-06/4:20 PM
The stanzas don't really connect with each other. I'm dying to say 'change pawn to prawne', that would at least give a bit of continuity with the sinking and the ship. But seriously, this doesn't really carry much meaning to me. I know you've got something to say, and I guess I can see what you're saying...but it doesn't grab me, in this form. I don't really know what to suggest, other than getting a continuous link throughout the poem.
Re: a comment on Farmhouse, Southern France (storm on arrival) by Ranger	1-Oct-06/4:04 PM
I'm not yet sure what's going to happen with this. It started life as just an exercise in iambic pentameter, using old ideas. I guess I was more concerned with getting the metre right than making it clear. It's about a storm passing over a field of sunflowers - hundreds of lizards emerged after the storm. I think I equate that passage to optimism after the storm, even though it's certain there'll be another along in the future. Maybe that's where it'll go. Thanks for the comment :-)
Re: a comment on Weather poem part 5: the cold dusk by nypoet22	1-Oct-06/1:30 PM
My pleasure :-) It still works well. I like the high percentage of feminine line endings, it makes it gentle, yet slightly ragged (like bleeding cuts). Only thing I'd be wary of here - and I should have said this last time round - is that the first line is slightly awkward to link to the rest of that stanza. I assume you mean it in the sense that everyone mentions the weather, everyone hurts when cut, everyone bleeds real blood - but does everyone cry gently? I guess it's a bit of an unfair gripe to just pick at something minor like that, but when the rest's as good as it is, why not strive for perfection? ;-)
Re: a comment on A Perfectly Normal Man by Dovina	1-Oct-06/1:24 PM
The thing is, this is a very 'general' poem. It's the classic 'nice guy' syndrome, only from the perspective of a woman - I just feel that if it were made more specific, it would lose some of its ability to connect with me as a reader. As it stands, it's one of those poems that gets a 'I hear ya!' response from me, whereas if the protagonist was talking about a short, blonde dude then I wouldn't connect with it as such. Usually I'm all for image overload, but occasionally I like to do the colouring in myself.
Re: a comment on The Secret by ecargo	30-Sep-06/12:35 PM
Huzzah for new liberties! In that case, I guess I'd better write the thing now...
Re: a comment on "Twee" by Ranger	30-Sep-06/12:30 PM
It's not supposed to be particularly meaningful. The first line is more or less the definition of 'Twee', the second is just about the most twee phrase I could think of. Put them together, and you have a couplet which defines and exemplifies the word. A bit of fun, nothing more. Also, it's the sinners - not the saints - who get the pretty ones.
Re: a comment on The Secret by ecargo	30-Sep-06/7:10 AM
Surely that's cheating?
Re: a comment on "Twee" by Ranger	30-Sep-06/6:54 AM
;-) -Thanks must also go at this point to the Collins Concise English Dictionary.
Re: a comment on Farmhouse, Southern France (storm on arrival) by Ranger	30-Sep-06/6:52 AM
*Ahem* Angst (Free verse) by Mikius Angst. Torturing my mind with pain. Like a thousand people, Being tortured. Painfully. Painfully tortured. Like my soul. Which is also tortured. And painful. Wrapped in torturous pain. But not as bad as my heart. Which is infinitely pained. And tortured. Painful. Pain. -Fin- That's what it's all about.
Re: a comment on Farmhouse, Southern France (storm on arrival) by Ranger	30-Sep-06/6:50 AM
Now THAT's motivation! I did lose the way at the insect line, it's true; this is where I was incorporating an old draft into a new idea and forgot to sew it all together.
Re: Weather poem part 5: the cold dusk by nypoet22	30-Sep-06/6:48 AM
A collection of haikus, unless I'm very much mistaken. This is good - it carries a certain amount of angst, but deals with it exceptionally well. The last stanza works wonders with the juxtaposing of release and hell, even if 'and hell,' is just an exclamatory expression. I'm not sure if you meant it in the sense of 'night brings release and hell/I miss her'. If so, bonus kudos!