Re: Inoperative Head Mechanism by D. $ Fontera |
6-Feb-06/9:51 AM |
Yes, the thinker's comeback. Nice sharp ending.
|
|
|
|
Re: a waste of time by hendrimike |
6-Feb-06/9:57 AM |
Should be longer, either you're a delinquent or you have far too much money for your own good! 8 years? That's a hell of a course!
|
|
|
|
Re: FAITH by click64 |
6-Feb-06/9:59 AM |
You capitalise 'Faith' and 'Pain', but not 'god'?!?
|
|
|
|
Re: Untitled by click64 |
6-Feb-06/10:05 AM |
Right, the one part of this that stood out for me is the start of stanza 2; I assume you mean arranged marriages, right? Write about that, write about how it's (from your perspective) such an undesirable thing, write about the injustice you face. But the trick is to do what Dovina has said here: be original. Take it out of the first-person for starters...the 'top down' third-person poems generally suit this theme much more.
|
|
|
|
Re: UntitledPartTwo by click64 |
6-Feb-06/10:13 AM |
There are a couple of good lines here but the rest isn't as good. See the comments on 'Untitled' to get the gist of it.
Grammatical points - 'Wouldn't of' should be 'wouldn't have'. Line 17 'I trust the wrong people who I can't trust' makes no sense.
The last line isn't good; don't end with a 'life' question...ever. It doesn't make for good reading. On the plus side, the first line is very promising. You could do this a lot better...in my opinion you should move away from talking about the issue as itself and instead use metaphorical language.
Finally, try to come up with a title for your poems. A lot of good poets tend to use the title as a quick explanation of what the poetic metaphor means.
|
|
|
|
Re: Legless Insecurity by PoeticXTC |
6-Feb-06/10:17 AM |
The title led me to expect a more humorous poem. Not to say that it's a bad poem, of course. I'm assuming it's about a bully/jock/whatever kind of idiot you come across every day. Or maybe I'm reading it wrong. Even though it's a bit of a cliche, I liked the way you change direction in line 4; the poem just feels like it needs another couple of lines somewhere.
|
|
|
|
Re: Bondage by MacFrantic |
6-Feb-06/10:19 AM |
|
|
Re: Tales From The Outhouse by -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. |
6-Feb-06/10:43 AM |
If I could I would vote this 10 thrice over, once for the poeme, once for the timeline comment, and once for making me laugh until Mount Brownesuvius threatened to blow.
Armageddon!
|
|
|
|
Re: "46 million babies a year" by -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. |
6-Feb-06/11:04 AM |
One more embrowned gasp of astonishment from the eerie bowels of Hell.
|
|
|
|
regarding some deleted poem... |
6-Feb-06/1:19 PM |
Very good...the second stanza is better in my opinion than the first. Nicely readable, just the right length and a biting finish.
Also, if I've posted another comment very similar to this one it's because my Internet Exploder is on top form...
|
|
|
|
Re: Blackbirds III by jmalone |
7-Feb-06/2:57 AM |
Lines 13, 14, 15, 16 aren't as good as the rest of it - they're very ordinary whereas the rest is nicely eloquent. I loved the first 4 lines. Excellent rhythm and the rhyme holds up pretty well.
|
|
|
|
regarding some deleted poem... |
7-Feb-06/3:01 AM |
'Existential'.
I don't get as much from this as I usually do from your poetry, still well-written...but you often do better.
|
|
|
|
Re: Tonight (edit) by drnick |
7-Feb-06/3:05 AM |
Very good, not original but done much better than most. The only suggestion I have is to change 'started' (line 8) to 'begun'...it's easier to read, other than that - excellent!
|
|
|
|
Re: The Acorn Daisies by MacFrantic |
9-Feb-06/6:21 AM |
The rhyme in the middle is good but it makes that section sweep by much faster than the rest; if I were you I'd keep a constant speed with this piece as it isn't particularly long. Other than that, very good!
|
|
|
|
Re: Monkey Tree (Breathless edit) by ecargo |
9-Feb-06/6:23 AM |
A good edit, in my opinion you might want to put a few more rhymes in there to make it quicker to read - it feels like it should be a fast poem to reflect the speed of clambering up and tumbling down.
|
|
|
|
Re: Going Away to Fight a War by wilco |
9-Feb-06/6:28 AM |
I was going to ask if you'd ever been to the solstice at Stonehenge, but as your profile says you're from the States I think probably not. Anyway, I see you have a vote average of over 6, that is a fucking awesome feat for this site with the amount of poems you've posted so I thought I'd say congrats. As for the poem, not bad at all; 'retired kite strings' is wonderful!
|
|
|
|
Re: run'em'hard by grendal |
9-Feb-06/6:32 AM |
Stanza 4 = necromancy? Not sure I get this one but I'm a bit slow, so don't worry. Say hi to horus wherever he is.
|
|
|
|
Re: My Fatherâs World by Dovina |
9-Feb-06/6:34 AM |
|
|
Re: Moonlight Paradox by Glasseyez |
9-Feb-06/6:43 AM |
Abstract, sometimes nonsensical. I love it.
Stanza two equals Matrix by Catholic theology. Everything's about balance and the equation. Yes.
The answer had better not disappoint.
|
|
|
|
Re: cryogenicide necrobot by baphomet |
9-Feb-06/6:46 AM |
Spelling and grammar! It makes it easier to read.
I'm not yet sure whether I love or hate the last line...judgement will be suspended.
|
|
|
|