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Monkey Tree (Breathless edit) (Free verse) by ecargo We hid,
sheltered in green,
the welter of boles, knobs, boughs
that grew to ground
our hollow bower;
clambered limb
to limb,
lithe and nimble,
limber,
scrambling;
shinned high,
gripped broad branches
with our knees,
and dangled
upside-
down,
hands clasped tight
and swinging,
heads a-
spin;
tangled tongues
beneath the leafy canopy;
fumbled
tingled;
watched the tie-dyed
slide
of violet night as
Venus swelled;
and laughed until
we
fell.
Up the ladder:
Let's Let the Flies In, Thomas
Down the ladder:
No Sunday Clothes
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 8.428572
Posted: February 8, 2006 6:52 PM PST; Last modified: February 8, 2006 8:54 PM PSTWeighted score: 5.922085 Overall Rank: 1416 Comments:
[8]
Ranger @ 62.252.32.15
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9-Feb-06/6:23 AM
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Reply
A good edit, in my opinion you might want to put a few more rhymes in there to make it quicker to read - it feels like it should be a fast poem to reflect the speed of clambering up and tumbling down.
not bad, but the spacing is distracting and makes it harder to read than it should be.
"Bower" is a bad word choice. I think this is one of the few times where wild indentation helps the poem. Good one.
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