poemranker ::Monkey Tree (Breathless edit) by ecargo

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Free verse № 138547

Monkey Tree (Breathless edit)

by ecargo

Member since 2002 · Posted 8 Feb 2006 · Edited 8 Feb 2006 · 3 comments

We hid, sheltered in green, the welter of boles, knobs, boughs that grew to ground our hollow bower; clambered limb to limb, lithe and nimble, limber, scrambling; shinned high, gripped broad branches with our knees, and dangled upside- down, hands clasped tight and swinging, heads a- spin; tangled tongues beneath the leafy canopy; fumbled tingled; watched the tie-dyed slide of violet night as Venus swelled; and laughed until we fell.

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mean 8.43 weighted 5.92 rank 1413 views 250 View voting details →

7 votes so far. Yours would make 8.7 votes so far

3 comments

[8] Ranger 9-Feb-06/6:23 AM Reply
A good edit, in my opinion you might want to put a few more rhymes in there to make it quicker to read - it feels like it should be a fast poem to reflect the speed of clambering up and tumbling down.
[6] wilco 9-Feb-06/3:20 PM Reply
not bad, but the spacing is distracting and makes it harder to read than it should be.
[9] zodiac 12-Feb-06/1:19 PM Reply
"Bower" is a bad word choice. I think this is one of the few times where wild indentation helps the poem. Good one.