Re: A Cleansing Of Creeds by Caducus	1-Feb-06/5:34 AM
Stanza 4 should, ironically, become the atheists' creed.
Re: Nomads by amanda_dcosta	2-Feb-06/4:06 AM
Correct me if I'm wrong, but aren't haikus supposed to have 5 syllables in the first and last lines?
regarding some deleted poem...	2-Feb-06/8:52 AM
I don't bank Natwest, but from what I've heard your poem rings true. Because the fifth line made me burst out laughing you can have a 7.
regarding some deleted poem...	2-Feb-06/8:57 AM
I see.
regarding some deleted poem...	2-Feb-06/9:37 AM
Okay, constructive criticism. I've run this gauntlet and ended up going away for a long time until I could write anything worth looking at. I'm sure people remember. Anyway. The subject matter is probably the most over-used cliche in the history of literature; that is not in itself reason not to write about it, but if you do, write something interesting, something new, something that people will want to read again. Use metaphor, simile, find unusual and thought-provoking descriptions. Don't just write about feelings...they are important but they will inevitably be summed up as 'angst' in something like this. It will seem as though you're getting more distant in your writing but it will make it more accessible for people reading (and as you're posting on a public website you obviously want people to read - give and take here). It will also help you develop your own style of writing - this could have been written by just about anyone after a breakup. People don't want to read about 'just anyone', they want to find out who you are, they want your writing to become you. Next, pronouns. 12 uses of 'I', 9 uses of 'she' in 22 lines. And guess what? I still don't have a clue who you are, nor who she is. Pronouns should be kept to a minimum otherwise it becomes whiny and self-centred. Concentrate more on telling me something new. I know it's about you and her, now tell me more about the both of you. Also, don't switch from saying 'she' to addressing her as 'you'. Still with me? Right, from here focus on grammar and punctuation. It doesn't have to be perfect but it does have to exist. Please please please capitalise 'I'. Please. Decent grammar and appropriate punctuation makes a poem infinitely more readable. So in summary: your poem is not subtle and has very few poetic devices. It is angsty and cliched. But it is what you will use to learn from. If you want to write poetry that makes people applaud, listen to what they say and learn from your mistakes. General points now. Ignore the voting system. Just don't look at it. Look at what people say to you. I'm not a particularly good poet, but I try to comment and (if necessary) make suggestions. If people give you advice it's not because they want to dig you a hole and throw you in it, it's because they've read something you've written and seen areas they would change. Certainly it's all opinion, but many of the users on this site write stunning poetry which could easily take them places if they so desired. If you honestly hate the sort of poetry which others love, that is fine...but don't expect them to rave over yours if it's something they blatently won't like. Okay, sermon over. I hope I don't sound pretentious because I know my limitations; when it gets to the point where you are looking for technical advice my help will be of little use. Almost everything I've learned in poetic writing has come from god'swife, <~>, Caducus, INRANSIT and others. Keep working at it but in my opinion you should leave this piece. Start something new when you've got fresh inspiration and try to be inventive. Crikey, that was a marathon effort for me... Peace.
Re: inadequate by skaskowski	2-Feb-06/9:57 AM
Well it's not bad, but there's not much more I can say.
Re: self-righteousness by calliope	2-Feb-06/10:02 AM
I think I get it.
Re: Unhappy Marriages by Caducus	2-Feb-06/10:07 AM
Cynicism is certainly your speciality. I don't get as much from this one as from most of your poems...there's some good lines like 'sleep as squandered pearls', but it's lacking a certain punch at the moment. I don't know...maybe I'm talking rubbish.
regarding some deleted poem...	2-Feb-06/1:26 PM
Curious, I was listening to a song called 'Arriving Somewhere But Not Here' earlier (by Porcupine Tree). Ever heard of them? They rock my world.
Re: Owain Glyndwr by Nicholas Jones	2-Feb-06/1:30 PM
You realise if you wanted you could go to Owain Glyndwr in Cardiff; Friday night's rock and metal night. By Burger King, just opposite the castle. Oh, and great poem!
Re: Untouchable by rahson_s	2-Feb-06/1:37 PM
Presumably not an advisable situation to be in.
regarding some deleted poem...	3-Feb-06/4:12 AM
I wrote one like this ages ago but I left it at home. I might see if I can find it sometime. It's a bit blatent, I thought you were going to give it a beautiful description while making me feel sick to the stomach, but all I got was a vague feeling of irony...for what it's worth, I'd prefer to see you give a more contrasting picture. Make me like the 'mask' while being utterly repulsed by it. Does that sound right?
Re: A Walk in the Park by Dovina	3-Feb-06/4:14 AM
Wonderful, stanza 2 in particular.
Re: can you sing me a song by richa	6-Feb-06/8:18 AM
If I could sing sweetest of all I'd give you the Corpus Christi better than even the mighty Buckley managed. Sadly, nineteen-year-old chaps are not noted for having heavenly voices. I bet that zzinnia can sing, ask her.
Re: as you are by Adriaan	6-Feb-06/8:21 AM
Sweet enough.
Re: time (3rd draft) by Adriaan	6-Feb-06/8:27 AM
It's a nice three-liner, but it isn't a metaphor. Change the first three words; the idea of a haiku is that it is metaphorical.
regarding some deleted poem...	6-Feb-06/8:31 AM
I've got to agree with richa - why the first two lines? 'Shaky-kneed', rather than one word. 'Sooner press enter than escape' I really like, and the occasional rhymes are catchy!
regarding some deleted poem...	6-Feb-06/8:37 AM
London isn't great, but Cardiff's little better. The only difference being that I can get out of Cardiff fast if I want, whereas London's a claustrophobic maze. I must disagree with the women all being skanks though, one of my best friends lives there and she's gorgeous.
Re: Idle Time by Angelicasassy	6-Feb-06/9:28 AM
Okay, nicely descriptive although a little simple (sorry, that sounds harsh - it's not meant to). I'd love to see you use more in the way of metaphor; see what other people write and experiment as you go. Keep at it though, this is a better start than most (including mine...)
Re: Pendragon by ecargo	6-Feb-06/9:42 AM
Yes, nice. Not sure about 'drown in pain'...far too overused, and I thought from the title that there'd be reference to Excalibur in here, is that the intention of the final three lines?