"We are like" - this is the part that says something interesting. Just as the goldfish do not see the origin of the raindrop, so we do not see the origin of events, only the ripples that they cause.
Better, although I feel it's still lacking something. Haikus are really tough to get right; I've never yet written one that I've been happy with. Hopefully the more experienced poets here will be of more use than me, because the idea behind this is really quite good.
Okay, I much prefer this version. The only thing from my view is that the second line's a syllable too long - I pronounce 'rippling' with 3 syllables. If you don't pronounce it that way, disregard what I've said, if you do then all I'd do is get rid of 'the'. Other than that, perfect!
I do pronounce it as 'ripp/ling' - the wonders of a South African accent :) I originally used 'ripple' in this version, but I felt that it was a bit stilted. What's you opinion?
Keep it as it is; there is no such thing as a universally pronouncable haiku. As I said, I really like the idea behind it, and this draft is much more haiku-esque.
It looks more like a haiku. Haikus demand economy. They often have two images the second cutting across the first. They have no message as such. They are sensory. If you think you have some interesting wisdom do an epigram.
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on an autumn pond. (13 syllables) I have saved you four syllables to say something interesting.
I think he's thinking "bbrrbblbllgrrbbll-bloopploop".
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