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time (3rd draft) (Haiku) by Adriaan Goldfish contemplate
raindrops rippling the surface
Ice ends disturbance
Up the ladder:
I had no idea it could be so good
Down the ladder:
Feel Like A Failure
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 4.5
Posted: February 5, 2006 11:06 PM PST; Last modified: February 6, 2006 12:21 PM PSTWeighted score: 4.976287 Overall Rank: 8278 Comments:
[7]
richa @ 81.178.221.104
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6-Feb-06/4:54 AM
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Reply
Is this about how one of the dimensions of the universe is visible only to goldfish. If so I agree.
goldfish contemplates raindrops
on an autumn pond. (13 syllables) I have saved you four syllables to say something interesting.
"We are like" - this is the part that says something interesting. Just as the goldfish do not see the origin of the raindrop, so we do not see the origin of events, only the ripples that they cause.
What do you really think he's thinking?
I think he's thinking "bbrrbblbllgrrbbll-bloopploop".
That's 5 syllables. What a shame.
"Not again."
"We are like" doesn't mean any of those things, sorry.
I disagree. Every goldfish I know that can contemplate also understands the hydrological cycle.
By the way you should learn what a haiku is, that and a metaphor.
Does similie count for anything? I've changed the opening line to a metaphor - please comment.
It's a nice three-liner, but it isn't a metaphor. Change the first three words; the idea of a haiku is that it is metaphorical.
Thanks. Please see the revised version and comment.
Better, although I feel it's still lacking something. Haikus are really tough to get right; I've never yet written one that I've been happy with. Hopefully the more experienced poets here will be of more use than me, because the idea behind this is really quite good.
I'd appreciate your views on my recent attempt, if you have the time.
Okay, I much prefer this version. The only thing from my view is that the second line's a syllable too long - I pronounce 'rippling' with 3 syllables. If you don't pronounce it that way, disregard what I've said, if you do then all I'd do is get rid of 'the'. Other than that, perfect!
I do pronounce it as 'ripp/ling' - the wonders of a South African accent :) I originally used 'ripple' in this version, but I felt that it was a bit stilted. What's you opinion?
Keep it as it is; there is no such thing as a universally pronouncable haiku. As I said, I really like the idea behind it, and this draft is much more haiku-esque.
It looks more like a haiku. Haikus demand economy. They often have two images the second cutting across the first. They have no message as such. They are sensory. If you think you have some interesting wisdom do an epigram.
or perhaps a senryu?
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