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My Father’s World (Free verse) by Dovina
He opened my eyes, let me see Said, Fire, fire! Turn a hose on me He showed me a world as true as clay Then went his solitary way He took me to work to rake the leaves A canvas tarp on his shoulder heaved How many loads before he sat? More than you can shake a stick at Let me ride the horsy, Daddy My gumption’s gone, my little lady Wish I had the preacher’s unction He cut roses, not the blooms shunned thorns, cigarettes and booze ushered on Sunday, shins blacked and blued by rocks the renovator threw I proudly showed one too My bloody finger from a rosy thorn a price too small, a gift too meager To know his conduct matched his prayers

Up the ladder: The Christ Omelette
Down the ladder: George and Samson

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Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
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Arithmetic Mean: 6.6923075
Weighted score: 6.237176
Overall Rank: 940
Posted: February 8, 2006 4:45 PM PST; Last modified: February 8, 2006 4:45 PM PST
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Comments:
[9] amanda_dcosta @ 203.145.159.37 | 8-Feb-06/7:55 PM | Reply
Am I the first for this? It very good. You have some good stuff in you.
[n/a] Dovina @ 67.72.98.83 > amanda_dcosta | 9-Feb-06/7:00 AM | Reply
Some “good stuff” was handed down to me from my father.
[10] ALChemy @ 24.74.100.11 | 9-Feb-06/6:02 AM | Reply
Not quite sure about the capital F in the first "Fire".
If "More than you can shake a stick at" was something he said alot (which is just my hunch) then put it in quotations please. I thought it was a great sentiment and quite deep. Well expressed D.
[n/a] Dovina @ 67.72.98.83 > ALChemy | 9-Feb-06/6:55 AM | Reply
The capital “Fire” is just the first word in a quote; no other significance. I debated using quote marks here and around “More than you can shake a stick at.” But since I’m omitting punctuation generally, I didn’t. In a way these lines are better without, because that makes them my words perigenitally transferred. My father didn’t write, and he wouldn’t say a high-falutin word for love nor money. So I’m not convinced that prayers for it really work.
[10] ALChemy @ 24.74.100.11 > Dovina | 9-Feb-06/7:01 AM | Reply
I only meant use the ("") so it looks more intentional and less like you were at a loss for the right words a just stuck a cliche in to get you to the next line.

By the way- Love the "gumption" "unction" half rhyme.
[n/a] Dovina @ 67.72.98.83 > ALChemy | 9-Feb-06/7:05 AM | Reply
Yep, think I'll use 'em.
[9] Ranger @ 62.252.32.15 | 9-Feb-06/6:34 AM | Reply
Nicely nostalgic
[n/a] Dovina @ 67.72.98.83 > Ranger | 9-Feb-06/7:04 AM | Reply
Thanks, because noistalgia is hard to transfer.
[6] Stephen Robins @ 213.146.148.199 | 9-Feb-06/6:35 AM | Reply
Proof, if it were needed, that you can't polish a turd.
[n/a] Dovina @ 67.72.98.83 > Stephen Robins | 9-Feb-06/6:57 AM | Reply
No, and it seems like such a worthwhile thing to do.
[9] Ranger @ 62.252.32.15 > Dovina | 9-Feb-06/6:58 AM | Reply
In that case, why not polish a Kurd?
[n/a] Dovina @ 67.72.98.83 > Ranger | 9-Feb-06/7:03 AM | Reply
Or tattoo his tunic with a funny-faced Mohammed while he’s facing Mecca on his knees.
[9] Ranger @ 62.252.32.15 > Dovina | 9-Feb-06/7:14 AM | Reply
This is the age of the secular, it must instead be MeccaDonald's.
I predict a riot (in Beirut).
[n/a] Dovina @ 67.72.98.83 > Ranger | 9-Feb-06/7:23 AM | Reply
Ronald MacDonald
looks like Mohammed
lets kill the hamburger freaks

we'll shoot 'em
and loot 'em
and cut off their heads

but who made this ugly connection?

[9] Ranger @ 62.252.32.15 > Dovina | 9-Feb-06/7:30 AM | Reply
Yes, stanza one could quite easily become the best haiku I've ever seen.
And Iran wonders why the US doesn't want it to have nuclear capability...
[n/a] Dovina @ 67.72.98.83 > Ranger | 9-Feb-06/7:33 AM | Reply
You can have it. Just don't tell them Dovina said Ronald looks like Mohammed.
[7] drnick @ 24.176.22.254 | 9-Feb-06/12:33 PM | Reply
Pretty good, I'm not too crazy about lines 7 and 8. They seem too simple compared to everything else. What is with all the religious poems?
[n/a] Dovina @ 69.175.32.104 > drnick | 9-Feb-06/7:13 PM | Reply
Lines 7 and 8 are quotes, and I agree with alchemy – they should be in “”.

Religion is interesting and wistful and nostalgic. To many people, it’s even important.
[9] Glasseyez @ 204.49.132.59 | 9-Feb-06/9:30 PM | Reply
This is nice I like the way you write
[5] Zoetrope @ 172.153.211.78 | 9-Feb-06/10:50 PM | Reply
"I proudly showed one too" is pretty good. "A canvas tarp on his shoulder heaved" is a little tortured though. There are a lot of things you could rhyme with leaves without flipping the "heaved" line.

Would a working class guy who uses words like gumption know that unction means ointment? seems like a funny word to use.
[n/a] Dovina @ 69.175.32.104 > Zoetrope | 10-Feb-06/12:11 PM | Reply
“Heaved is a bit “tortured,” I have to admit. “Unction” was used quite a bit by the religious prior generation to describe a fervent or earnest quality especially in dealing with religious matters. Thanks for the comment.
[9] richa @ 81.178.228.137 | 10-Feb-06/3:11 PM | Reply
When I first read this the voice in my head was reading with a whisper and I missed that it was rhymed in an aa bb manner. On second read I heard it and it seems kind of pointless. This is not written in couplets after all.

Other than that this is a fine poem. It is devoid of your usual pretention and that is why we continue to argue with you. At the back of our minds we think 'yeah, she talks ass, but in time she'll reflect on our advice and realise we were correct'. It makes it all worth while for me.
[n/a] Dovina @ 69.175.32.104 > richa | 10-Feb-06/3:27 PM | Reply
I’d rather write ass.
[9] richa @ 81.178.228.137 > Dovina | 11-Feb-06/4:25 AM | Reply
I too have changed my understanding of poetry because of your wisdom. By the way this poem is crap; not enough talking ass. :(
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