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My Fatherâs World (Free verse) by Dovina He opened my eyes, let me see
Said, Fire, fire! Turn a hose on me
He showed me a world as true as clay
Then went his solitary way
He took me to work to rake the leaves
A canvas tarp on his shoulder heaved
How many loads before he sat?
More than you can shake a stick at
Let me ride the horsy, Daddy
My gumptionâs gone, my little lady
Wish I had the preacherâs unction
He cut roses, not the blooms
shunned thorns, cigarettes and booze
ushered on Sunday, shins blacked and blued
by rocks the renovator threw
I proudly showed one too
My bloody finger from a rosy thorn
a price too small, a gift too meager
To know his conduct matched his prayers
Up the ladder:
The Christ Omelette
Down the ladder:
George and Samson
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 6.6923075
Posted: February 8, 2006 4:45 PM PST; Last modified: February 8, 2006 4:45 PM PSTWeighted score: 6.237176 Overall Rank: 940 Comments:
[9]
amanda_dcosta @ 203.145.159.37
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8-Feb-06/7:55 PM
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Reply
Am I the first for this? It very good. You have some good stuff in you.
[n/a]
Dovina @ 67.72.98.83
> amanda_dcosta
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9-Feb-06/7:00 AM
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Reply
Some âgood stuffâ was handed down to me from my father.
Not quite sure about the capital F in the first "Fire".
If "More than you can shake a stick at" was something he said alot (which is just my hunch) then put it in quotations please. I thought it was a great sentiment and quite deep. Well expressed D.
The capital âFireâ is just the first word in a quote; no other significance. I debated using quote marks here and around âMore than you can shake a stick at.â But since Iâm omitting punctuation generally, I didnât. In a way these lines are better without, because that makes them my words perigenitally transferred. My father didnât write, and he wouldnât say a high-falutin word for love nor money. So Iâm not convinced that prayers for it really work.
I only meant use the ("") so it looks more intentional and less like you were at a loss for the right words a just stuck a cliche in to get you to the next line.
By the way- Love the "gumption" "unction" half rhyme.
Yep, think I'll use 'em.
Nicely nostalgic
Thanks, because noistalgia is hard to transfer.
Proof, if it were needed, that you can't polish a turd.
No, and it seems like such a worthwhile thing to do.
In that case, why not polish a Kurd?
Or tattoo his tunic with a funny-faced Mohammed while heâs facing Mecca on his knees.
This is the age of the secular, it must instead be MeccaDonald's.
I predict a riot (in Beirut).
Ronald MacDonald
looks like Mohammed lets kill the hamburger freaks we'll shoot 'em and loot 'em and cut off their heads but who made this ugly connection?
Yes, stanza one could quite easily become the best haiku I've ever seen.
And Iran wonders why the US doesn't want it to have nuclear capability...
You can have it. Just don't tell them Dovina said Ronald looks like Mohammed.
Pretty good, I'm not too crazy about lines 7 and 8. They seem too simple compared to everything else. What is with all the religious poems?
Lines 7 and 8 are quotes, and I agree with alchemy â they should be in ââ.
Religion is interesting and wistful and nostalgic. To many people, itâs even important.
This is nice I like the way you write
"I proudly showed one too" is pretty good. "A canvas tarp on his shoulder heaved" is a little tortured though. There are a lot of things you could rhyme with leaves without flipping the "heaved" line.
Would a working class guy who uses words like gumption know that unction means ointment? seems like a funny word to use.
âHeaved is a bit âtortured,â I have to admit. âUnctionâ was used quite a bit by the religious prior generation to describe a fervent or earnest quality especially in dealing with religious matters. Thanks for the comment.
When I first read this the voice in my head was reading with a whisper and I missed that it was rhymed in an aa bb manner. On second read I heard it and it seems kind of pointless. This is not written in couplets after all.
Other than that this is a fine poem. It is devoid of your usual pretention and that is why we continue to argue with you. At the back of our minds we think 'yeah, she talks ass, but in time she'll reflect on our advice and realise we were correct'. It makes it all worth while for me.
Iâd rather write ass.
I too have changed my understanding of poetry because of your wisdom. By the way this poem is crap; not enough talking ass. :(
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