poemranker ::Untitled by click64

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Free verse № 138302

Untitled

by click64

Member since 2006 · Posted 4 Feb 2006 · 3 comments

Been there and back, but it doesn’t help, It just stirs up things in my head – like a shit stirrer. It hurts me so real bad, I’m cut up inside and out. But you lot don’t see. All you see is this little Asian girl, cooking, cleaning. Waiting to be taken away by some ungrateful dickhead. You don’t see beyond my little shell. I long for someone to know and understand I long to be taken away from this life. The pain gets harder every-day. I want to be gone from every-thing and everyone. To somewhere where no-one knows me or my past. You know I’m not the person you think I am. So it gets even harder.

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mean 2.67 weighted 4.72 rank 11917 views 152 View voting details →

3 votes so far. Yours would make 4.3 votes so far

3 comments

[6] richa 5-Feb-06/3:25 PM Reply
The past does not matter. Unless you have crabs. Then it matters. :(
[2] Dovina 5-Feb-06/4:18 PM Reply
A good outline for a poem, though a very common one. Practice unusual ways of saying it. Look for underlying truths, lies, beliefs that hinder your goals.
[n/a] Ranger 6-Feb-06/10:05 AM Reply
Right, the one part of this that stood out for me is the start of stanza 2; I assume you mean arranged marriages, right? Write about that, write about how it's (from your perspective) such an undesirable thing, write about the injustice you face. But the trick is to do what Dovina has said here: be original. Take it out of the first-person for starters...the 'top down' third-person poems generally suit this theme much more.