UntitledPartTwo

Member since 2006 · Posted 4 Feb 2006 · 1 comment

Itâs like a tangle of Roses. The problem is complicated. And if I try to unravel it, I get hurt. Motivation is what I need, Some driving force, Something to look forward to, Something to rely on. I wish I could click my fingers, And disappear to another place. If I had kept my mouth shut. Suffered alone, in the dark. I wouldnât of risked losing everything. All the things I tried hard to keep close, All I did was cause others pain. I know what I am, But do you? Do you want to know? Who can I trust? I trust the wrong people who I canât trust. And the people I can trust, I donât. Why is life so tortuous?

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1 comment

[n/a] Ranger 6-Feb-06/10:13 AM Reply

There are a couple of good lines here but the rest isn't as good. See the comments on 'Untitled' to get the gist of it.
Grammatical points - 'Wouldn't of' should be 'wouldn't have'. Line 17 'I trust the wrong people who I can't trust' makes no sense.
The last line isn't good; don't end with a 'life' question...ever. It doesn't make for good reading. On the plus side, the first line is very promising. You could do this a lot better...in my opinion you should move away from talking about the issue as itself and instead use metaphorical language.
Finally, try to come up with a title for your poems. A lot of good poets tend to use the title as a quick explanation of what the poetic metaphor means.