Re: Constipation by colbaby	19-Sep-06/9:22 AM
Not bad, as shit poems go. ;-) And we are, after all, the Shittiest Poetry Site on the Web (more float per inch!) (TM). Of course, nothing can match the vigor and explosive power of the -=DA-=PI classic, _Child of My Buttocks_: http://www.poemranker.com/poem-details.jsp?id=20331.
Re: a comment on The Secret by ecargo	19-Sep-06/9:12 AM
Ya know, it's not. It's just an incredibly heavy-handed metaphor for carrying a secret, your own or, sometimes worse, someone else's, that weighs in your gut and plagues you. The miscarriage imagery was just a metaphor, but I think I may have overdone it--I knew what the obvious connotation would be. Thanks for the comment, Ranger! re: WWA (sounds like some WWII women's auxilary unit), I might, depending on what I can muster up. ;-) As I said, nothing ventured, nothing gained, and if nothing else, it'll let me do an inventory of my body of work, right? ("Body of work" makes it sound so imposing or impressive or something. It's not. ;-))
Re: a comment on The Secret by ecargo	19-Sep-06/9:08 AM
Aw, but you get to speak with that cool accent! ;-D
Re: a comment on Prayer by amanda_dcosta	18-Sep-06/9:16 AM
Much more interesting and lyrical, especially the last line. Nice rewrite.
Re: The Secret by ecargo	18-Sep-06/9:13 AM
Posting here, because not sure where else to put it: Walt Whitman award open for submissions. Submissions are accepted each year from September 15 to November 15. (Only open to American poets--sorry, across-the-pond denizens.) The Walt Whitman Award brings first-book publication, a cash prize of $5,000, and a one-month residency at the Vermont Studio Center to an American who has never before published a book of poetry. The winning manuscript, chosen by an eminent poet, is published by Louisiana State University Press. The Academy purchases copies of the book for distribution to its members. The award was established in 1975 to encourage the work of emerging poets and to enable the publication of a poet's first book. Submissions are accepted each year from September 15 to November 15, and an entry form and fee are required. The judge for the 2007 award will be August Kleinzahler. To obtain the guidelines and entry form for the Walt Whitman contest, please follow the link below or send a stamped, self-addressed envelope to the Academy in August. Winners are announced in May. Guidelines and Entry Form: http://www.poets.org/page.php/prmID/121 Nothing ventured . . .
Re: The Red Chain by MacFrantic	18-Sep-06/9:00 AM
Your first stanza doesn't really make sense--it's as if you dropped a word in the first line. You've got a typo (apology). Some interesting language, but you seem to sacrifice sense for sound.
Re: weather poem part 7: a short, sudden gust by nypoet22	18-Sep-06/8:58 AM
Appropriate title, that's for sure. Clever in its way--especially the roundabout ending (everyone mentions the weather and now I must weather your mention [of the weather].
Re: Week End Justification by half.italian	18-Sep-06/8:56 AM
I'd love the last line more if there were more of a build-up to it, something that anticipates it earlier in the poem. I think your second stanza might be a stronger starting point, and that your first stanza could use more fleshing out. And while I realize that you probably use "hollow ears that see words" in some metaphoric way, metaphors are more effective if they actually work in reality (in a sense), so I have to point out that ears don't see. (yeah, I'm pedantic.) Lots of potential here--would like to see a more complete treatment of your subject (especially given my Saturday morning of of my own wkend justification). ;-)
Re: don't touch me 2 by elderking	18-Sep-06/8:46 AM
Not sure why you started with "While"--it reads as "while hanging there . . . they sought the shelter," which seems off, odd. Would work if you just started with "Hanging in midair, her fingers startled still . . . curled like cowards . . ." I do like aspects of this--I like the sharp focus on the image of hands, the way you convey the story completely through what the hands are doing (reminds me a little bit of the scene in Hitchcock's "Notorious" where Ingrid Bergman has stolen her husband's wine cellar key, and there's a terrifying moment where you think she's going to get caught as he goes to kiss her palm, and all the tension and emotion is conveyed by a long shot of her hand holding the key, closing 'round the key, a fist behind her back and, finally, the open, keyless palm he deposits a kiss into). I'm a little confused by the syntax of this--hard to figure out whose fingers, whose willful hand. If you could clean up the narrative a bit, think you'd have a really effective poem.
Re: Jose Streets by SupremeDreamer	18-Sep-06/8:40 AM
Probably works pretty well as a spoken word piece--there is a kind of street-beat to it. Descriptive, but some of the descriptions lack freshness, a unique way of putting things. Pretty good overall, but I think your contempt for the slummers weakens the impact overall--the bleakness comes through strongly, but I think it would be even more effective if your disdain (your narrator's disdain) was tempered with more, I dunno, wistfulness or some softer emotion.
Re: The Clock and the Storm by cleverdevice	13-Sep-06/9:48 AM
I like the ideas and imagery in this but I think it might be more effective as a poem if you were to mix things up a bit; remove some of the more direct analogies and make them less explicit. Also, I think it might have more impact if you started in the midst of the storm--your second to last stanza would be a nice starting point, IMO: "Older than the house, he has seen storms before . . . I think mixing up the time progression (however you do it--flashback, comparison with current state, whatever) makes for more interesting narratives. Anyway--lots to work with here--some good imagery and good ideas.
Re: When I Were a Duck by colbaby	13-Sep-06/9:37 AM
Hee--very cute. Could definitely see this in some illustrated book of poems for kiddies. Nice simple rhythm and a definite sense of whimsy to your story.
Re: Flood Land, East Kentucky by zodiac	11-Sep-06/9:41 AM
Damn, you really are good. The dialect comes off as unforced and authentic (to my Yankee ear, it must be said--I guess the real test is how a Kentuckian would take it). Great details; restrained and, for that, quite moving pathos; all your usual magic. Even the meter works--alexandrines, for the most part, I guess? So much packed into such a short poem. Really well done.
Re: a comment on End of day poem by ecargo	10-Sep-06/6:45 PM
Thanks Ranger. Some problems I still need to work out--the first and last verses still don't scan right to me. "Cicada's" a typo--thanks for pointing it out. I agree with "over" causing a stumble--it was "along" originally, but that made the labyrinths somewhat traceable. "Across" is a good suggestion. As always, thanks for the read and the thoughtful comments. :-)
Re: a comment on End of day poem by ecargo	10-Sep-06/6:43 PM
High praise--thanks. Nice to see you around.
Re: weather poem part 10: reprise by nypoet22	10-Sep-06/6:18 PM
"fan-blown dark" is my favorite line. The "thrust and parry" of tongues, like a duel, is a little overused, IMO, but I do like the parallel with the fan blades cuting through air and silence and the "cuts she had suffered" adds a further touch of connectedness. The last line kind of loses me--I think I get why you went that way, but it seems like a bit of overblown dialect. Still, nice cohesiveness of imagery in this. Not sure I get how your multi-part poem fits together yet. Will be interesting to see all the pieces assembled.
Re: Beg Me Do by D. $ Fontera	10-Sep-06/6:14 PM
I like the image of the map of fears and jealousy, tracing emotion like some kind of city subway map, and the image of sin commemorated as if it was some kind of statue. But in something so short, the repetition of lines doesn't really work for me--it seems like it needs more flesh or filling or something to make it more real and more complete. Still, interesting image of emotion made somehow tangible.
Re: the poem reads me by daggatolar	7-Sep-06/5:21 PM
I like wordplay, but not sure what you're going for here.
Re: a comment on With Old Light by Ranger	7-Sep-06/5:07 PM
Okay--as promised, I did come back to this. And, no, no--there's enough miserable verse, in every sense, available! I'm still ambivalent about the wealth of metaphors/images--you are right that they are all pastoral, and most are really effective. I love the gentle declines of rusted gates and fraying fabrics--still usable, but inexorably fading. I also like the nostalgia of this, the not-overdone sense of regret and moving forward and fond remembrance. I want this to be more metered--it's almost iambic pentameter, but your stresses fall apart in places (and I'm not saying it has to be straight iambs, which is hard to do without sounding stilted). For example, compare this lovely stanza (pretty much straight iambic pentameter): When the rivers claim a cargo of lost jewels To ferry them o'er distant plain and crest While the trees can only watch in silent schools And shiver at the spindle wind, undressed I will try to gather up a gleaming pool Then see it slip through fingers tightly pressed With this, which seems more awkward: When the vineyards grow a grape to make a potion Of nostalgia and a sorrow for what's lost When I drink to lonely days and sad devotion And every hour is a cobweb flecked with frost On the rusted gateway of a silly notion Then our last words will disperse - with no riposte. It's sooo close. I want it to be there. Okay, my little nits aside, this is nicely done in tone and technique--you've written an olde tymey pastoral poem that doesn't sound horribly dated or terribly derivative, which is quite a feat. You've come a long way, baby. ;)
Re: With Old Light by Ranger	31-Aug-06/7:17 AM
Hi Ranger. :) I need to really read this and think about it (when has that ever stopped anyone from commenting?), but initial impressions: metaphors are all over the place and too disconnected from one another. Some common thread to pull it together, subtle or otherwise, would give this better continuity and ground it or center it or whatever. But some excellent lines and images ("rusted gateway of a silly notion").