Re: weather poem part 10: reprise by nypoet22	10-Sep-06/6:18 PM
"fan-blown dark" is my favorite line. The "thrust and parry" of tongues, like a duel, is a little overused, IMO, but I do like the parallel with the fan blades cuting through air and silence and the "cuts she had suffered" adds a further touch of connectedness. The last line kind of loses me--I think I get why you went that way, but it seems like a bit of overblown dialect. Still, nice cohesiveness of imagery in this. Not sure I get how your multi-part poem fits together yet. Will be interesting to see all the pieces assembled.
Re: Flood Land, East Kentucky by zodiac	11-Sep-06/9:41 AM
Damn, you really are good. The dialect comes off as unforced and authentic (to my Yankee ear, it must be said--I guess the real test is how a Kentuckian would take it). Great details; restrained and, for that, quite moving pathos; all your usual magic. Even the meter works--alexandrines, for the most part, I guess? So much packed into such a short poem. Really well done.
regarding some deleted poem...	11-Sep-06/9:42 AM
Hee--cute.
Re: When I Were a Duck by colbaby	13-Sep-06/9:37 AM
Hee--very cute. Could definitely see this in some illustrated book of poems for kiddies. Nice simple rhythm and a definite sense of whimsy to your story.
Re: The Clock and the Storm by cleverdevice	13-Sep-06/9:48 AM
I like the ideas and imagery in this but I think it might be more effective as a poem if you were to mix things up a bit; remove some of the more direct analogies and make them less explicit. Also, I think it might have more impact if you started in the midst of the storm--your second to last stanza would be a nice starting point, IMO: "Older than the house, he has seen storms before . . . I think mixing up the time progression (however you do it--flashback, comparison with current state, whatever) makes for more interesting narratives. Anyway--lots to work with here--some good imagery and good ideas.
Re: Jose Streets by SupremeDreamer	18-Sep-06/8:40 AM
Probably works pretty well as a spoken word piece--there is a kind of street-beat to it. Descriptive, but some of the descriptions lack freshness, a unique way of putting things. Pretty good overall, but I think your contempt for the slummers weakens the impact overall--the bleakness comes through strongly, but I think it would be even more effective if your disdain (your narrator's disdain) was tempered with more, I dunno, wistfulness or some softer emotion.
Re: don't touch me 2 by elderking	18-Sep-06/8:46 AM
Not sure why you started with "While"--it reads as "while hanging there . . . they sought the shelter," which seems off, odd. Would work if you just started with "Hanging in midair, her fingers startled still . . . curled like cowards . . ." I do like aspects of this--I like the sharp focus on the image of hands, the way you convey the story completely through what the hands are doing (reminds me a little bit of the scene in Hitchcock's "Notorious" where Ingrid Bergman has stolen her husband's wine cellar key, and there's a terrifying moment where you think she's going to get caught as he goes to kiss her palm, and all the tension and emotion is conveyed by a long shot of her hand holding the key, closing 'round the key, a fist behind her back and, finally, the open, keyless palm he deposits a kiss into). I'm a little confused by the syntax of this--hard to figure out whose fingers, whose willful hand. If you could clean up the narrative a bit, think you'd have a really effective poem.
regarding some deleted poem...	18-Sep-06/8:48 AM
Pretty good--got a nice kind of slice-of-life feel to it. I like "eyes like night and a mouth like sand," and the dialog--reminds me of a folk song. I also think the first person narrative works here--the empathy and the straight talk works for me.
regarding some deleted poem...	18-Sep-06/8:53 AM
I like the shift from general to specific, the way you start off broad and then make it more personal. The first line is a little too editorial for me--something other than "very sad" might work better--let the headlines speak for themselves, esp. in comparison with what follows; something like "The headlines in the paper today/[told of] front page kittens with popular appeal/ and tragedy befalling an ageing pekinese . . ." Something like that. Anyway, some good details in this (the kicked over pot, the curtains that don't quite meet) and the fact that you didn't editorialize or sentimentalize the death, but let the details carry the weight, works really well.
Re: Week End Justification by half.italian	18-Sep-06/8:56 AM
I'd love the last line more if there were more of a build-up to it, something that anticipates it earlier in the poem. I think your second stanza might be a stronger starting point, and that your first stanza could use more fleshing out. And while I realize that you probably use "hollow ears that see words" in some metaphoric way, metaphors are more effective if they actually work in reality (in a sense), so I have to point out that ears don't see. (yeah, I'm pedantic.) Lots of potential here--would like to see a more complete treatment of your subject (especially given my Saturday morning of of my own wkend justification). ;-)
Re: weather poem part 7: a short, sudden gust by nypoet22	18-Sep-06/8:58 AM
Appropriate title, that's for sure. Clever in its way--especially the roundabout ending (everyone mentions the weather and now I must weather your mention [of the weather].
Re: The Red Chain by MacFrantic	18-Sep-06/9:00 AM
Your first stanza doesn't really make sense--it's as if you dropped a word in the first line. You've got a typo (apology). Some interesting language, but you seem to sacrifice sense for sound.
Re: The Secret by ecargo	18-Sep-06/9:13 AM
Posting here, because not sure where else to put it: Walt Whitman award open for submissions. Submissions are accepted each year from September 15 to November 15. (Only open to American poets--sorry, across-the-pond denizens.) The Walt Whitman Award brings first-book publication, a cash prize of $5,000, and a one-month residency at the Vermont Studio Center to an American who has never before published a book of poetry. The winning manuscript, chosen by an eminent poet, is published by Louisiana State University Press. The Academy purchases copies of the book for distribution to its members. The award was established in 1975 to encourage the work of emerging poets and to enable the publication of a poet's first book. Submissions are accepted each year from September 15 to November 15, and an entry form and fee are required. The judge for the 2007 award will be August Kleinzahler. To obtain the guidelines and entry form for the Walt Whitman contest, please follow the link below or send a stamped, self-addressed envelope to the Academy in August. Winners are announced in May. Guidelines and Entry Form: http://www.poets.org/page.php/prmID/121 Nothing ventured . . .
Re: Constipation by colbaby	19-Sep-06/9:22 AM
Not bad, as shit poems go. ;-) And we are, after all, the Shittiest Poetry Site on the Web (more float per inch!) (TM). Of course, nothing can match the vigor and explosive power of the -=DA-=PI classic, _Child of My Buttocks_: http://www.poemranker.com/poem-details.jsp?id=20331.
Re: Staring through you by creepshow	20-Sep-06/10:12 AM
Wow--hope that released some of the obvious animosity. If you peel away some of this, you'd have the makings of a decent "fuck you" zombie poem.
Re: Fare Price (Final Version) by Wakeboarder20	20-Sep-06/10:16 AM
"Fare price" as in a pun on fair with the connotation of travel (i.e., to heaven)? If so, it might be a little overplayed with 3 repetitions as well as the title. It is a good topic for poetic examination. I wrote an Xmas poem once like this, something like "you'd think these shelves held souls--buy now! We'll throw in sanctity/and absolution, absolutely free!" So I get what you're saying here, I think.
regarding some deleted poem...	20-Sep-06/10:22 AM
Some really cool lines and good sustained and often creepy imagery. Why "Back Widow"? Did you mean "black"? I really like "I make my rooms" (not sure why that struck me so strongly, but it did). Deposited like pearls might be "seeded like pearls" (a spider laid eggs on a leaf in my garden this spring, and when the baby spiders emerged, they looked like tiny seed pearls that would writhe into motion when you blew on them). This has an almost melodramatic edge to it, but it seems to work.
Re: The Surfer's Prayer by flock	20-Sep-06/10:26 AM
This has a nice simplicity in rhythm and tone. Watch your cliches (e.g., sea of troubles).
regarding some deleted poem...	21-Sep-06/1:49 PM
Some cool, fresh imagery in this. I think you could drop the first two stanzas without losing much and instead start with the stronger, more original "Consider that I found you . . .". The last two stanzas are ace.
Re: Soup Can by oneglove	21-Sep-06/1:51 PM
Was it earth all along? ;-D Sorry--just saw Planet of the Apes (the original, not the Marky Mark version) again. There's sort of an odd melancholy to this that works, though some of the lines fall a little flat. Why "Soup Can"?