Re: Mind Over Madness by drnick	25-Jul-06/10:03 AM
You've got some interesting lines ("more words to spill than ashes . . . "; the old curtains filtering, etc.). You keep it simple and don't overexplain things and let the details carry the meaning rather than pointing everything out (which never fails to bore the crap out of me when people do it--either we get it or we don't; if you have to endlessly explain, the poem isn't getting it done. This gets it done.) Good ending. Good poem.
Re: turn back time by pollywolly	25-Jul-06/10:06 AM
I like the idea, but it needs more. Such a spare poem, too, can't really support repetition of words unless it serves a purpose (i.e., "skipping"). Expand this--bring us along with you.
Re: Suicide Dream by Ranger	25-Jul-06/10:13 AM
It's nicely done, Ranger. You have a deft gothic touch, both in the poem and in the (self-)quoted passage. Too bad Gothics are not popular anymore--you really get the eerie tone and imagery down. You should submit this--someplace like The Harrow (or maybe Kaolin's issue of the new GUD venture) that looks for dark-fantasy kinds of subs. What are you reading? This smacks of 19th century "horrid novels"--in a good way.
Re: Nothing Broken, Nothing Saved by somemorepoetry	25-Jul-06/10:20 AM
I like this a lot--an electronic age bacchanal. The title's a deliberate play on "nothing ventured, nothing gained"? This is probably my favorite line: "And so many naked bodies twisted up circuitry Signals flying everywhere and nowhere." The ending is good too. One thing threw me though: " We are the living truth. The inability of History to subjugate the human race and The inevitable victory of intellect." It comes out of nowhere, this god-voice exposition and really throws off the narrative, IMO. You don't really need it; it's all there in the rest of it.
Re: A Time to Dance by Dovina	25-Jul-06/10:25 AM
Not bad. I think the second verse is stronger as a beginning if you could work in the "daddy" bit elsewhere (title or otherwise). Also, and probably because it makes me think of Roethke's "My Papa's Waltz," I wish the rhythm was more, er, rhythmic, to suggest the dance. Here's how Roethke does it (mostly because I adore Theodore Roethke and will take any chance to quote him). In his version, it's all about rhythm, suggesting the waltz, and his choice of detail: The whiskey on your breath Could make a small boy dizzy; But I hung on like death: Such waltzing was not easy. We romped until the pans Slid from the kitchen shelf; My mother's countenance Could not unfrown itself. The hand that held my wrist Was battered on one knuckle; At every step you missed My right ear scraped a buckle. You beat time on my head With a palm caked hard by dirt, Then waltzed me off to bed Still clinging to your shirt.
Re: Diary by Dovina	28-Jul-06/1:59 PM
Some problems in logic and flow, but I like it overall. Resist rhyming "aligned" and "intertwined"--we all want to do it, and too many succumb. "Soft cerebral shadows" reads nicely. I love the second verse--we get a nice bit of YOU (the you in the poem anyway). Next verse (time)--I like it in concept, but I'm not clear on how time keeps it all in place--seems to me that diaries do the opposite--keep time in place. Maybe I'm just misreading it. I like the interplay between jailor and "frees the space." "Events and deeds" verse doesn't scan right (grammatically/logically). Last verse--you've come to trust verisimilude, not fact? If yes, lose the comma after fact. What you're saying, in effect, though is that you've come to trust the appearance or suggestion of truth rather than fact? verisimilitude doesn't always equal truth though; we're very self-deluded critters sometimes. Like it overall--you seem to be simplifying, which usually makes things stronger, clearer, less pompous.
regarding some deleted poem...	28-Jul-06/2:12 PM
Scandalous. ;)
Re: 08:12AM Hiroshima by Caducus	28-Jul-06/2:14 PM
Some great details in this. "scene from a perfect haiku" seems too obvious. Second verse is my favorite.
Re: Nights in the city of Godiva by Mr Pig	1-Aug-06/7:37 AM
You can almost see the embedded dirt of Coventry. The kebab shoppe made me laugh the most. Middle Eastern food may be the worst to barf up (it's the cumin). Liked the dialog with the bouncer too. The harshest beatdown I ever saw was in the UK--we had a couple of days at Blackpool (nothing like what I expected--sort of a down-at-heel, minor-scale Mardi Gras, which came as a shock to us unsuspecting Yanks), and some guy tried to push his way past a ham-fisted bouncer, who knocked him down and HAMMERED him until the cops came along and HAMMERED him. I've seen NYC bouncer/cop beatdowns, but damn, nothing, nothing like that.
Re: Cold Collapse by MacFrantic	1-Aug-06/7:42 AM
Cool sounds in this, Mac--"snap and graaaaple; laaand aaaanimal, you in crew/biting balance do; levels several ladders; etc. Love the long vowel sounds throughout, the casual rhyming, the wordplay. You need a little more coherence though--not necessarily a linear narrative or a story, but something strong enough to give the suggestion of (if not actual) sense/structure. Don't let the rhymes drive it too much either. Cool.
regarding some deleted poem...	1-Aug-06/7:47 AM
I think you're right when you say it's too literal, Paul. The weightier the subject, the more troublesome it is to approach head-on, I think. Like Emily Dickenson said, "tell the truth, but tell it slant." That's where metaphor, analogy, simile, imagery--literary sleight of hand--can make the difference.
Re: I wish I was a chav by Stephen Robins	3-Aug-06/11:35 AM
Oooh--a new term! They didn't cover this in any of the Sophie Kinsella books I've read (I have appalling taste in 'literature,' and almost everything I know about British pop culture comes from terrible Brit-chick-lit novels). I've identified a few Chavs here at work, even (although the hip-hop wannabe element is lacking, so I guess they're not true Chavs). Wikipedia has way too much documentation on the phenomenon (all of which you've nailed): http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chav
regarding some deleted poem...	3-Aug-06/1:08 PM
I like this, especially the repetition of phrases in the indented lines and the intriguing ending. But the lie gets lost in here somewhere after a good beginning.
regarding some deleted poem...	7-Aug-06/12:50 PM
Nice to see you again, DP. Your poems are unfailingly interesting and fresh, compelling. Painterly, even. This has movement; "turn and turn about and rest"; conclusion that comes off without being dully judgmental or self-important (which is what many confuse with a good ending to a poem--nothing more boring . . . but I digress). I'm always a big fan of adverbial (and prepositional) clauses as a beginning; I find they drop us right into the middle of the action, as a good short form generally should, rather than barely relevant exposition that does nothing but pretend to set the scene and usually in the dullest way possible. Your "as if" beginning hurls us into the messiness and the overwhelming scale of the image of destruction very effectively. A little muddled, maybe--why "halfway decided?" The first colon works for me--the "as if" phrase setting up the image of the city as "an ash gray, greasy Tuesday." I wonder if you need "eternal Mardi Gras?" "Eternal" anything smacks of cliche at this point; it's one of those overused phrases. And I like the idea of "ash grey greasy Tuesday" standing on its own and suggesting Mardi Gras. Last stanza's a treat (though I quibble with your break--"destruction" carried over comes off as a bit of trickery, I think, and a full stop might work better before "Lower Ninth"). "The bankrupt of abstraction" seems off grammatically; maybe just "Bankrupt abstraction"? Last line is terrific, pulls it all together perfectly. I really like it.
Re: Felice Et Eroticum Est. by Ulterius	31-Aug-06/7:11 AM
Good god--who ARE you? This is brilliant. I think Owen would have found it hilarious. I do. Terrific, very "'rankerish" spoof.
Re: Pleasure. (Leisure Spoof) by Ulterius	31-Aug-06/7:13 AM
From Owen to Davies--how eclectically you spoof. Clever. ;)
Re: With Old Light by Ranger	31-Aug-06/7:17 AM
Hi Ranger. :) I need to really read this and think about it (when has that ever stopped anyone from commenting?), but initial impressions: metaphors are all over the place and too disconnected from one another. Some common thread to pull it together, subtle or otherwise, would give this better continuity and ground it or center it or whatever. But some excellent lines and images ("rusted gateway of a silly notion").
Re: the poem reads me by daggatolar	7-Sep-06/5:21 PM
I like wordplay, but not sure what you're going for here.
regarding some deleted poem...	7-Sep-06/5:24 PM
Not bad for 12 mins to kill--very fun. ;) Purple poltergeists and Ghana booty and melting chocolate priests (my favorite kind)--won't even try to guess, but I had a good time along for the ride.
Re: Beg Me Do by D. $ Fontera	10-Sep-06/6:14 PM
I like the image of the map of fears and jealousy, tracing emotion like some kind of city subway map, and the image of sin commemorated as if it was some kind of statue. But in something so short, the repetition of lines doesn't really work for me--it seems like it needs more flesh or filling or something to make it more real and more complete. Still, interesting image of emotion made somehow tangible.