| Re: A Righteous Prayer by Dovina |
23-Jun-05/11:29 PM |
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As a prayer it seems a little vague as to what is actually wanted.
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| Re: Drama by QuirkyWonder |
23-Jun-05/11:31 PM |
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I would agree with Dovina
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
23-Jun-05/11:32 PM |
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I am sorry to say this made no sense to me at all.
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| Re: Passion by gothiclovepoetiss |
23-Jun-05/11:35 PM |
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But it doesn't say anyhting that hasn't been said a thousand times before, and it offers nothing in the way of beautiful language or memorable structure.
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| Re: Family by Sunshine Conkey |
23-Jun-05/11:42 PM |
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'common courtesy you use' transposed verbs are really a sign that the poet hasn't put in the required effort, as BWC said a few poems up, it makes one of Yoda think.
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| Re: A Father's Day Late by meek_little_braggart |
23-Jun-05/11:45 PM |
I would name it just a rhyme
if it were somehow one of mine.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
24-Jun-05/11:13 PM |
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| Re: cup-cake by cpill |
24-Jun-05/11:15 PM |
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Not anything I can enjoy, sorry.
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| Re: Eagle by Mr Pig |
24-Jun-05/11:17 PM |
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Actually eagles try not to shadow over prey until after they have got their talons into it because the shadow is a warning to the prey.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
26-Jun-05/10:21 PM |
natures should be Nature's, otherwise I tend to agree with rockmage, which is a litle worrying.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
26-Jun-05/10:24 PM |
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Pretty awful was my first thought, a second read did not improve things.
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| Re: The Edge Of The World by kingfisher |
26-Jun-05/10:27 PM |
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Prose yes, poem no, the language needs to be something extra for that.
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| Re: First Unborn Sun by Been Here Before |
22-Feb-06/4:25 AM |
A pleasant surprise to find this on my first look back, still it is marred by the iambic errors as noted.
"I cannot watch it because I won't pray" is not iambic pentametre, but
"I cannot watch because I will not pray" is, while admitting that it is your poem and not mine I fail to see how the 2nd line would detract from the message. It is true, that in longer poems, such as that which I just posted tthe iambic pentametre can become a soporific, but in a vilanelle or a sonnet, a part of the enjoyment of reading one is the fluidity of the construction.
Any way, nice work, but keep working on it.
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| Re: Just Desserts (for drnick) by ALChemy |
22-Feb-06/4:34 AM |
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As a read it could be a bit smoother. At the moment its like walking across a sheet of ice that's braeking up, the bits are all disconnected but you can see how they would fit together.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
22-Feb-06/4:35 AM |
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Sounds like teenage angst, which aught to be the title of a song.
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| Re: lost souls by aamir_trichy |
22-Feb-06/4:39 AM |
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Personally I'd leave the whole thin out and try again.
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| Re: Pancakes by raven_the_poet |
22-Feb-06/5:45 AM |
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Its nice to somebody is happy.
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| Re: Home is Where the Hate Is by raven_the_poet |
22-Feb-06/5:47 AM |
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But where is the chorus??
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| Re: Winter Wonderland by raven_the_poet |
22-Feb-06/5:51 AM |
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Light verse, such as this, is traditionally strong on rhyme and rhythm, which is what makes them stay in your head, while this has some rhyme it appears to have no rhythm at all which makes it less than it could be.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
22-Feb-06/5:54 AM |
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Stanza 4 = the worst of them all.
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