poemranker ::20 most recent comments by INTRANSIT (421-440) and replies

Comments byINTRANSIT, 421–440 back, including replies. Only comments on poems

on Structure of a Woman by al-naafiysh 3 Jun 2005, 6:38 AM
CUT! CUT! Hold it. There's too much unnecessary stuff here. If you want the end-rhyme then GET the end rhyme. But Iron out the lines. Take a T-sqare to them and listen to the beats. You've got plenty to work with.
It's not bad. Just far from what it can be.
on Soldier by kev_wannabe 3 Jun 2005, 6:35 AM
Yes, we know. And if the greater population all agreed to not show up for work until "our boys and girls" get sent home, well, the nation's gonna collapse either way.
on Swoon by Dovina 3 Jun 2005, 6:30 AM
And the title is too generic. This, from one of the Kings of genericism, ha!
on Swoon by Dovina 3 Jun 2005, 6:30 AM
Ok, here are my nits. Dangling hands and outward thumbs may be too descriptive. Does he really take your Hands? Or does he use your upper arms. Your breasts feel connected or do you? Unique line of womanhood sounds like he's got women all over the globe to me. The reality dream ending loses me, but I might not be reading it at the right speed there. Keep in mind there may be references in this that I just don't understand. Facing east for starters. I don't get it but I'm sure you're facing that way for a reason. I still like this heaps.
on Adibe's Song (third-time's-the-charm revision, less Spanish) by zodiac 3 Jun 2005, 6:10 AM
The first seemed like notes scribbled tiredly so thought wouldn't be lost. This is mucho bene. Romance, religion, politicos, bullets, the true nature of all that is. These are honest tens I give.
on Wanted by Dovina 2 Jun 2005, 3:44 PM
Too much was cut. the other only needed some adJUSTAMENTE. Um, I'll leave my piddle on the other one later . Gotta run, sorry.
replying on Life and Love by windyone 2 Jun 2005, 7:19 AM
You drive us wild
we'll drive you crazy.
KISS
replying on Truckers should not be poets by INTRANSIT 2 Jun 2005, 6:44 AM
Um, the breach in the 5th is not. The sixth, yes. The best I can do is refer you to the "gold standard" of: Do not go gentle into that good night, By Dylan Thomas. Probably easy to find on the 'net. My newer one was far better. V's are one of those poems that look easy but aren't. I did a couple of hack Ghazals once. I'm bad at forms.
replying on Truckers should not be poets by INTRANSIT 2 Jun 2005, 6:15 AM
I have no Idea. Yet.
replying on Slowing - or, A Love Poem with Eggs and Short Lines by zodiac 1 Jun 2005, 7:11 AM
What if it's actually pre-pre period? The eggs are cold. They've been in the lining and are about to be discarded. God. there's so much shit I could say about this and none of it would be right. Fuck. I like it. And Rockmage is a boob. There.
on The Symbol by Dovina 31 May 2005, 9:11 AM
I must've missed this while on the road. I got it, and think it's fine.
replying on Life and Love by windyone 31 May 2005, 8:52 AM
And this blankets all people and all personalities? Some derive pleasure from investigating further, and, obviously you can take or leave all comments from us 'rankers.
on Life and Love by windyone 31 May 2005, 7:25 AM
Sorry, I don't buy symphony of dogs. The last line is a little too straightforward for me. Maybe a little backstory might be good like D says.
replying on Life and Love by windyone 31 May 2005, 7:23 AM
Amen.
on Acrylic French Nails by Dovina 31 May 2005, 7:16 AM
Maybe- My nails are green too. And a little brown. My garden is for everyone to enjoy.

Ok , too wordy maybe but I'm with Zodiac on the ending being a let down . You show us well with the deatiled nails and then tell us what you thought. You know better than that. Weed it, damnit.
on A soldiers life by closeup 31 May 2005, 7:10 AM
use the search key for: What you know - It might help,it might not.
replying on Last Night by Roisin 31 May 2005, 7:03 AM
Most suicide writers say "I'm gonna kill myself". So, this being written in 2nd person, I think makes it better than the normal suicide schlock we're accustomed to. Maybe stanza two can be expounded on to help bring more of the subjects person into the picture. Most of the poem is blood being cleaned up. I'd like to see more hurt/cause. I think circuit could be used.
replying on The secret press by zodiac 30 May 2005, 8:17 AM
-It makes him expansive- made me think of an over-reaching mexican govt. But somehow that worked too. How do YOU feel about this piece?
replying on Last Night by Roisin 29 May 2005, 6:33 AM
This is what confuses me: When you mix blood with -cycle you get visions of a menstruation, but you start with blade. Self induced abortion? I also read -wears a jumper in summer (red)instead of (and). I don't know why.
replying on The secret press by zodiac 29 May 2005, 6:28 AM
Just a new way of saying 10. I read this aloud to my wife last night and came across other little nits, I'm sure Z-ac knows where they are and how to fix'em.