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Adibe's Song (third-time's-the-charm revision, less Spanish) (Lyric) by zodiac
(on election night, in the men's residencia) It's come to me, you've come to me, hermano, how happier I'd be simple, a grasshopper- legged brown Michoacana with my knotted scarffull of men's eyes dragging up to the hacienda, with rain coming - And if I'd touched you then, could I have had you? You, with your hot new smoke-smell, your worn briefcase bulging with God and tomorrow's headlines: 'The liberals have taken back the country' and 'Jefe Alboroto and Motin proclaims no more corruption in the city, ever.' I'm my own grandmother making tortillas in a white breathless dawnlight, thinking, Which liberales, these, ours or theirs? and, Is this why they closed all the bars? and, Rain's coming like an old god hied out of the seawrack by the jungle's breast. And it comes to me, how readily I could turn smoke, press myself on the guitar's wide mouth. How I'd knot my scarf in the morning for a whole town of unsuspecting eyes. And you, my Plaster Saint, you'll still be deciding whether to cry 'Love' or 'Country' at the last as the tracers come sirening from the trees, as I twist the thumbscrews on the electric bed.

Up the ladder: The Trump 6-6-5 Haiku
Down the ladder: Marrakech Watercolours

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Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
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Arithmetic Mean: 10.0
Weighted score: 5.5960145
Overall Rank: 2312
Posted: June 2, 2005 6:30 AM PDT; Last modified: June 4, 2005 6:43 AM PDT
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Comments:
[7] Dovina @ 69.175.32.185 | 2-Jun-05/12:45 PM | Reply
Not knowing language or culture, I'd say she knotted her scarf, but can't see what she makes of it all.
[10] INTRANSIT @ 64.12.116.197 | 3-Jun-05/6:10 AM | Reply
The first seemed like notes scribbled tiredly so thought wouldn't be lost. This is mucho bene. Romance, religion, politicos, bullets, the true nature of all that is. These are honest tens I give.
[n/a] zodiac @ 212.118.19.246 > INTRANSIT | 4-Jun-05/6:16 AM | Reply
Hope it's better now. I've written about ten times more of this than I've posted. Shamefully.
[10] INTRANSIT @ 205.188.116.204 > zodiac | 4-Jun-05/6:39 AM | Reply
Actually it is. I trust those with writing experience to know what needs to be done to bring a poem in line, then let the 'ranker knock the burrs off. No, not shamefully unless this is all ten times condensed. Go for it. Wring out the other nine chapters. Size doesn't matter to me in poetry.
[7] Dovina @ 69.175.32.185 | 3-Jun-05/1:32 PM | Reply
Why is she in the men's residencia?
Is she a she? The scarf implies so.
Why is hermano not Hermano?
Is a hacienda a residencia? Not ordinarily.
Why are housewives in a men's residencia?
Why capital Heaven, but not church?
How does she know tomorrow's headlines?
Last line is good.
[n/a] zodiac @ 212.118.19.246 > Dovina | 4-Jun-05/6:12 AM | Reply
1) The bars were closed. True story.
2) I hope so. No, I know so. I have a hard time thinking of good Spanish names. When I need one, I think of someone I met in Mexico whose name never made it in an Enrique Iglesias song.
3) I dunno. Spanish speakers don't capitalize it.
4) No. The hacienda's where the big boss lives, the residencia's where exchange students and bored Mexico City kids live.
5) In that earlier version, Heaven (Cielita) was a girl who lived at a black magic store. True story. Incidentally, the main work of the staff at the black magic store I knew was carving Jesuses with enormous phalluses. I dropped all that from the poem though. For the better.
6) They're revolutionaries.
7) I hope it's better now.
[10] INTRANSIT @ 205.188.116.72 | 4-Jun-05/6:39 AM | Reply
last line typo.
[n/a] zodiac @ 212.118.19.246 > INTRANSIT | 4-Jun-05/6:43 AM | Reply
Thanks.
[10] Don-Quixote @ 66.248.82.140 | 4-Jun-05/10:50 AM | Reply
Well, alas its granny revealing the secret that todays rebels become tomorrows tyrants. And I can say little else but a meager "well done."

I'll add some garnish though, have a ten.
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