Re: She Cries by holden_caulfield	14-Jun-05/4:53 PM
I see some awesome lines and words in this....keep writing! These caught my attention>"Stars dripped from the sky/Leaving me black and empty." "This mud veined blood stained place." (mud-veined, blood-stained place) and "Fall gently upon us like a snowflake on a winter branch, Naked and brittle
Re: Avian Child by Tekara	14-Jun-05/4:43 PM
Smiling...someone after my own heart....looks like the stuff I wrote a LONG time ago! Fly! I am sure you meant to end with! Great line> I was born an avian child, /the winds intrigued, the skies beguiled. Form and format and puctuation and word choice...well...it needs cleaning up, but time will give you the polish you need...keep writing!
Re: Love Obsession (the stalker's song) by evergreen	14-Jun-05/4:38 PM
posession? possession? Looks wrong in spelling, but I'm feeling too lazy to look it up, pretty sure double s's are in order... other than that...not bad. I would change the title though...leave off the stalker bit! A Dominant would say that obsession is a far cry from stalking. (And all the subs/submissives out there will be creaming to this song...LOL!)They are not one and the same. (Provided the "take you" you are speaking of here is not akin to "take' in the case of rape. I am going to assume that you 'take' does not refer to such a thing...therefore...I like it! (Even if it does seem like a copy cat of another song we all know!)
Re: song of the birds by rainbow	14-Jun-05/4:28 PM
Note:people often get these confused. If you think: its > means it belongs to it! its pain, his pain, her pain. It's means >IT IS! It is pain! (I am sure you saw typo of "i smell the the forest") Other than that, I don't understand you moving from one feeling to the next so swiftly. You have the sun shining on your face, you feel its pain, you feel calm, so alive, then so alone, then as if you have nothing left, and you feel your pain. Think of this as a paining...how in the owrld would you paint this scene? I can't paint the picture in my mind, either...because you keep changing the scenery on me! Pick a scene and then paint it for me...make me feel it, smell it, hear it, see it. Either paint it as a painful picture, OR a calming picture...whatever, but pick one and make it clear. When you are proficient at that, then perhaps try to move from one scene into another, or paint the scene in the midst of a change.
Re: Irreplaceable by elixir	14-Jun-05/4:17 PM
I was wondering if you left out a word. Should there be 'to' in the second to last line? "I'd want nothing of that to ever come true" (or "ever to") I also wondered if it was a typo in: "If they force the morning light/ To shine MY dark and shadowy night". I wondered if it was meant to read "BY"? Also...just a thought...but "want" to be with you....seems a weak word for the kind of wanting you are doing here! I would do some brain-storming for a new word that better captures such a 'want'. I can think of several off the top of my head> yearn, ache, hunger. Or maybe 'want' would be fine if you changed "to be with you" to something 'stronger'? To lay with you....to dance with you...or better yet...to fly with you, to walk with you, or to love with you. Over-all I had to give this a high score, in spite of my thinking aloud here on the comments.
Re: 13 Pianos (after Wallace Stevens) by jconnors3	14-Jun-05/4:02 PM
Several parts could stand, or almost stand, on their own as single pieces. (The last, the second to the last, and the 4th to the last, in particular.) You seem to start in one mode, switch, then get all loose, and then end with an entirely different form. It would be less cumbersome to read if it had more form, or followed a form of some sort, through the entire piece.
Re: The Heros by madjack2	14-Jun-05/3:39 PM
I would tell you to work on this a little more. I have a feeling that with some polishing and a few changes in word choice it could be a better piece. The formating is all jumbled. I would like to see 'stronger' language, since this is about strength, heroes, and such.
Re: untitled by lazuli42	14-Jun-05/3:34 PM
I really like this! I do wondered if 'travel' should actually be 'traveled', because you say 'before'. I kind of like that you did not use punctuation, so that there are multiple nuances can be made in the reading of it. I think that that actually may add to this piece, although it wouldn't have hurt anything had you chose to use it, either. I actually gave it a fairly high score, (in my book) because it was clever, and made me stop and pause and reread several times.
Re: Faded Passion by Dariana	14-Jun-05/3:26 PM
Not too bad...I suspect the period after "to feel" was a typo, meant to be a comma. This didn't really move me, I guess because it sounds/reads like a million others.
Re: Im different so what? by xblackstarsx	14-Jun-05/3:23 PM
I have a motto...don't use puncuation at all or at least try to use it correctly. Why have commas, but no periods? Why have capital letters, but not capitalize I? Kewl? Should one take you seriously? Would a read over before you hit submit be asking too much? (Atleast) This piece is "Lame"...
Re: Rock and skin me by Figure 8	14-Jun-05/3:18 PM
This made me feel ill...it was repulsive to me, even though I am not entirely sure of what you are portraying here....and I have a feeling I don't want to know. I suspect "eyes"...in, "the camera eyes" means the camera eye IS, if so, it should be: "the camera eye's for all"....so on.
Re: Morning Dreams by ObiWonKn	8-Jun-05/9:39 PM
"Droplets of you Remain on my branches Dew in the morning The sunlight shines through"....I am stingy with the compliments...that said...awesome lines here! Of course, it sounds vaguely like me, but I can't claim you stole it (as I'd like to be able to), as I have yet to post here! LOL! I also liked the last, very much! "Suddenly, I see you And it isn't just a dream The stars are glitter Dancing through your hair The bitter taste of goodbye Is no longer there Just you Very nice...will be snooping around to see what other morsels you have left lying about. I felt the middle sections were not of the same caliber as the favorite lines I just pointed out. I am giving you a fairly high score (in the way I have been voting), for the lines I mentioned above, and because, having only read a limited number of pieces, this one made me feel hope that I would find a gem among the rough.
Re: For W. by A. Nomaly	8-Jun-05/9:23 PM
okay...at least this one made me stop to pause, and think, and then try to picture what you said here. I think I'll give THIS one something above a 2...(my 6th one to read on this site)At the least, I think it is interesting, though I am not a fan of this type of piece...at the most, I think you make the reader wonder what lies beneath and behind such a statement. I would like to see this expanded and elaborated on...I suggest continuing the thought started here.It does not seem complete...but perhaps it is, as only you can say.
Re: Colorado by Voth269	8-Jun-05/9:16 PM
This is only the fifth poem I have read in here...is it just me?! Maybe random is not the way to go...okay...I suggest a comma after 'world', and before 'no doubt'. Do the mountains look wild or tame? could you have elaborated? Could you have painted us a picture? Could you have painted the details of the contrast in colors and textures of plants? I have a suspicion that you could do more and better, if you elaborated, painting a picture with your words.
Re: You tell me I suck *2* by Dead Poet	8-Jun-05/9:11 PM
This is poetry? Hmmm....and to call someone ignorant, and then to use 'your' for 'you're' (as in, you are), REPEATEDLY....sorry...not impressed...at all.
Re: 2 Faced by jasondingus	8-Jun-05/9:08 PM
I am not familiar with the voting system...so was not sure of the number to choose. I chose a 2, to be nice. You may be a young person, and a new writer just starting out. The use of commas to break this up (Into the future, im determined to go, Haunted by the past, that still holds me so, I try to think about, the future so bright, But end up remembering, that endless night,) make one read this in a haulting manner...I suggest using commas only where they are needed, (or try thinking: where you would naturally pause). im should be I'm. I see a lot of small mistakes like this in the several pieces of yours that I have read, and it detracts from it. Other than that, personally, I wonder how old you are. You seem young...in content, subject matter and gramar/word usage. It just seems "immature" to me, all the way around. No depth.... I have read a billion mediocre pieces just like this one.